Monday, July 30, 2007
Hannah's Flower Garden and the Fence
Dani, her mom and dad, and her Aunt Nini and her family all purchased flowers for Hannah's flower bed. Dani and her mom, Claire, visited a local nursery and Dani arrived with a slew of flowers. We now have seven lilies of differing varieties, balloon flowers, a mandavilla, verbena and more!
Lily worked very hard on planting the flowers, digging in the soil and placing any rocks she found in the bucket.
It was stifling hot today and exceedingly humid as a result of some early morning thunderstorms. We had extremely violent storms with thunder so rumbly it shook the entire house and set off car alarms. There was also torrential rain which flooded the backyard and parts of Brien's workshop. I'm not sure which was worse, the two hours of booming or the fact my arms ached to have Hannah in them as she would have been so terrified of the storms and I longed to comfort her as I always have before, snuggling with her under the covers and covering her ears with my hands. It was a horrible way to wake up. But, for a brief moment I was glad she wasn't here so she didn't have to suffer through the storms with us.
Pop very kindly assisted Lil in her planting, digging holes and putting the plants in the ground. He was such a trooper given the temperatures and humidity we have been saddled with the past few days.
By the time she was finished, Lily was a filthy mess! She had so much fun digging in the dirt I didn't have the heart to stop her to keep her from getting dirty. These soiled piggies are only a small portion of the ragamuffin we call Lily. :o)
Here you can see the end results from one angle.
And here's the other angle. The great thing about perennials is they come back every year! This garden is going to be so delightful next year when the flowers sprout and spread! The bee balm and miniature gardenia should be draws for butterflies. I look forward to seeing them visit next spring and summer. Additionally, Dani and Claire were careful to try and purchase plants that should bloom throughout the summer. Yay!
To Dani, Claire, Al, Nini and her family, I say, Thank you!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Here's Brien's little workshop with the gate around the frog pond and Hannah's flower bed.
Here's a slightly different view. I know Hannah would be irritated with the fence as it would keep her from getting into the pond to conduct her "experiments" and from "cleaning" out the dead leaves and debris. On the other hand, she would LOVE the flower garden! :o)
Lily keeps searching for Hannah and begging to go outside to find her. At night she insists on saying goodnight to her sister. I'm happy she hasn't forgotten Hannah and yet, it is very difficult for me. I know women survive this. I know this for a fact as I have spoken with my cousin Rita who lost her little girl when she was two, and with Grandma, who lost Uncle Johnny when he was 14. I have had contact with many mothers who have lost their children and they too have survived. My question is, HOW??
How in the world can someone bear this much pain and anxiety? I know I'm doing fairly well, yet, I can't look past tomorrow. I can't think of the future without having massive anxiety attacks and feeling completely overwhelmed at the thought of a future without Han. For me it's like standing on the edge of a cliff and looking down and knowing if I fall it will kill me. The thought of life without Hannah scares me to death!
I find myself automatically doing things I have always done to keep Hannah safe. I threw my arm out as we were getting ready to enter a parking lot from a store, to keep Hannah behind me and to hold her hand.
In Staples this afternoon, I found myself looking at small containers of office supplies thinking how much Hannah would have loved them. Brien did the same with a digital camera he was looking at this evening.
In short, Hannah is everywhere, and while in some ways this is a comfort, it is also very overwhelming. I pray we get to a place where this is no longer a problem and that memories are only vaguely bittersweet and not overwhelmingly painful.
Lily is helping me through this time so very much. I am eternally grateful to have her and Brien to focus my energy on and give me a sense of purpose.
And now, as I'm so very tired this evening, I'm off to bed where I will be serenaded by the frogs and toads. Keep your fingers crossed there are no storms this evening!!
*Don't miss all the froggy pictures below!! :o)