As I have discovered Hannah is everywhere I am. She is all around me and at times there is no escaping the memories as they come flooding in. While most of these memories are funny and happy, they are also quite bittersweet as I know they are just that, memories and my funny Monkey Mine is no longer here to make more memories. It is so very painful when that realization hits I can barely breathe.
But, these memories are also what continue to get me through the day. One of Hannah's favorite pranks was to blow her straw wrappers at people. When she was just past two years old, Nana taught Han how to carefully tear off one end of the straw wrapper and to twist the other end and then blow the wrapper at someone. Hannah thought this was the most incredibly funny game and never did an opportunity pass her by. She always blew her straw wrappers at a family member. Always! So, I began to take up where she left off and today blew my wrapper at Brien. :o)
Somebody commented that Hannah is all around me because she is in my heart, and to that end, they are correct. And yet, somehow, in addition to that, she is still *everywhere*. Hannah is soon to be on Mars as well. Her Pop made sure her name was part of the Phoenix lander. Hannah is about to be truly out of this world! ;oP
I was overcome with grief today when I realized before too long I will no longer be able to say, "The other day, Hannah said..." or "The other day, Hannah did..." because it will no longer be the other day, it will be weeks, then months, then years. My life will be moving forward away from my times with her and I positively ache at the thought. I want everything to remain fresh and crisp in my mind, and unfortunately, I know that won't be the case. Quite frankly, that too scares me.
By living in the here and now, Brien and I have managed to make it through almost two weeks. This afternoon he mentioned things weren't quite so hard for him, that the pain wasn't as intense as it was even one week ago. I wish I could say the same. Each day seems to be getting harder for me instead of easier, as the reality of life without Hannah becomes my new definition of normal. To be very concise and slightly vulgar about it, it SUCKS! It sucks more than anything I have ever thought or experienced and I have to say, I HATE it!
I've spent the past two mornings crying and I worry about what is going to happen as I start my new job. Will there be mornings where I am incapacitated with grief and won't be able to teach? Will I break down in tears in front of my students? I'm frustrated because there are so many unanswered and unanswerable questions. I'm a planner and I need to know how things are going to go well in advance of me doing them. Just ask my mom. I used to (and in many cases still do) drive her crazy as I tried to plan and prepare for events in my life. Hannah was the same way. In this instance, there are NO answers and I can't plan. My life is out of my control and it frustrates me and scares the life out of me.
There are things I've been finding comfort in though. Lily is a joy and delight daily, even her vicious temper complete with screeching fits. It means she's alive and healthy. She is so very silly and she will make faces at me just to make me laugh. One of our favorite board books is "Moo, Baa, La la la" by Sandra Boynton. I'm sure we have read it close to 1,000,000 times at this point between night night stories with Hannah and now Lily. It begins, "A cow says, 'Moo'. A sheep says, 'Baa'. Three singing pigs say, 'La la la'." This evening I asked Lily what a cow says and she said, "Moo". I then asked about a sheep and was told, "Baaaaaaaa". To be silly I asked her, "What to three singing pigs say?" to which she replied, "La la la!" in a very sing song voice. Oh did I laugh and did it feel good! :o)
Our good friends Troy and Kat joined us (okay, more like treated us to) for dinner this evening. It's Kat's birthday and she wanted to share her evening with us. I was thrilled to be with them and to visit and just wish we could have visited longer.
My other moms Lana and Cathy came by this afternoon brining stuffed shells and yummy bread which were saved for dinner tomorrow night. Cath and Lana wound up broken down on I64 and were mercifully safe and sound in spite of a potentially dead alternator.
I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have so many people who love Brien, Lily and I so much coming to visit and take care of us. I keep thinking Brien and I must have done something right in our lives to be surrounded by so much love and support. I once again want to thank everyone so very much for taking the time to share what an impact Hannah has had in your life and/or to tell us you are thinking of us and praying for us. The outpouring continues to amaze me and I am greedily sucking it all in and using it to bolster me through my more difficult moments. Brien and I discussed today how this grieving process is like a giant roller coaster ride. One moment we are fine and the next, swimming in grief. I find it very overwhelming and am eternally grateful for every one of you who have taken the time to come and visit and learn more about my sweet Monkey.
52 comments:
I have just visited your blog for the first time, and my heart is breaking. You and your family have been so brave, and also so real, through every moment of the past few weeks.
As a rabbi, I know that mourning is such a suprising journey. There is no way to know what moment is going to be okay, and which moment is going to knock you over in grief. Take your time with your pain, and keep surrounding yourself with loved ones. If you ever need anything, please let me know.
As a regular woman, I feel your pain. I lost one of my best friends almost five years ago. I couldn't believe that the pain could be any worse than what I felt, and then I saw his mother.
I love hearing about the frogs - Todd visits us all as a bird :)
I found your blog right after Hannah's death and visit it almost daily now. You continue to be an inspiration to me as I too am the mother of 2 girls and a teacher. God will help you through the rough times. He wouldn't have taken her home unless He needed her for something, and He only takes the best. I also feel that even though it seems so very unfair, many times the children He takes are from families who couldn't have loved them any more. I think this is because He knows that you have a wonderful support system and so many people don't. Keep moving forward and love the heck our of your beautiful Lily!
it does SUCK. I hate that you are hurting! I hate that every day you have to struggle to get up. I hate that this happened. And I don't know why. I wish I could help you more!!!!!!!!!!!!! All I can do is offer you my prayers and my love!
You don't know me but I've been reading your blog since I heard about your sweet Han. I think of you and your family often and say lots of prayers for you all. As I have read through some of your blogs, I have been truly inspired by the kind of woman you are... mainly, the kind of mom you are. I recently had a baby girl and I learn soooo much on how to be a good mom just by reading the silly things you did with Hannah. What a lucky girl she was to have such a wonderful, loving, fun mom! Like the memory of making funny faces at the gas pump... what a memory to cherish! You are a very brave and courageous woman and the spirit of Hannah will forever live on. Thanks for sharing your sweet baby girl with the rest of us. Hugs and take care!
Your descriptions of your Hannah are beautifully vivid.
My daughter also loved Moo Baa La La La as a toddler. I have that book memorized still.
I love your descriptions. They are at once painful and beautiful to read.
Thank you for writing.
Dear Rach, Your family has touched my heart. It is easy to see why you are surrounded by so many loved ones. Through you we get to know Hannah for the very special person she is and always will be. Without having met her, I feel the loss of never being able to meet her here on earth. Tonight I saw some cute little monkey stickers at the checkout in the store and instantly my thoughts were, "I bet Hannah would love those." Thank you for sharing her. I am so sorry for the heart ache you must now endure. Prayers daily are sent for your loving family.
Rach- it's funny you mention Moo, Baa, la, la, la- I was just shelving it the other day and took a few minutes to read it again. LOL I also had bought it for the grandson's to add to their ever growing book collection. That's what a good grandma does, right?
We just bought our daughter her first car yesterday. I will now spend every waking moment that she is not home, but driving around, getting more gray hairs. Not because she is a bad driver (she's 22, not new at this) but because of everyone else on the road that is a bad driver. I am sending out a prayer to not only her dada (my daddy) to watch over her, but to Hannah, too. You can never have too many angels hanging over your shoulder.
we miss you Bella. Come back to us soon. We talked about fluffernutter yesterday. You weren't there to wisecrack and get me going as usual.
hugs,
ev
Your memories will always be crisp Rach, because you have this wonderful blog of your days and events with both girls.
Today you are stronger than yesterday, and Hannah is still as strong as she ever was. These two things are constant.
It am so touched by the closeness that you and Brien share. Many couples would bury themselves in their grief alone and not share with each other what they are going through.
It is true that a burden carried together is lighter than one carried alone.
The love in your home is so very apparent. I can't stress enough how much your family has touched my heart.
I pray you are able to get through today. And each day I plan to pray the same prayer...I think asking for more than that is asking too much right now. Brien is different than you, I hope you don't expect yourself to feel the same...I am so awesomely happy you guys are sticking to each other...love,
Tam
We love you Rach and will continue to pray for you and your family. When I water the flowers in Elizabeth's Hannah Garden every morning I make a promise to myself to find the joy in the little things like Hannah did. I also promise to encourage my children to have that joy like Hannah.
Love you,
Rebekah
Haven't commented for a while, but am still checking in daily to see how you're doing and still keeping you and your in my prayers.
I'm sure that school will go well for you. You've been strong when you need to be. God will get you through the tough moments.
Rach I love your writing in this post today. I hate that you have to experience this pain too - and we agree with you that it does suck, a lot!! It brings me so much joy to see that you are surrounded by loving family and community there. Don't ever feel guilty for it, but take it all in, all that there is to offer. You and Brien need that time, and those extended arms of support.
If you are ever recalling any Hannah stories that you would like to share, please write about them! It is joy to read them, and it helps us remember - and keep that wonderful Hannah perspective on life! Lily too - her smile is so contagious :)
Hang in there today, Rach...we are here for you!
Rach, your memories will always be crisp of Hannah. You have the most amazing memory of anyone in the family (honisses monisses??!!) and you remember things in vivid detail from when you were 2-3 years old. Your memories of Papa haven't faded with time and you won't lose these precious memories of Hannah either.
I love you so much and I hate that you are having to suffer through this impossibly heavy grief. I wish I could take some of it away from you to give you some ease every once in awhile. I am thinking of you every single second of every single day.
Rach-
I cannot even begin to imagine what you are feeling. I so wish you didn't have to go through this. I am so very sorry.
Thinking of you!
Jess
Rachael - it SO sucks! And I wish every day there was something I could do for you! I know you had asked a while ago for our favorite Hannah memories, and the one I keep coming back to is of Jess trying to get Hannah to the bus ~ carrying Lily and Ella and pushing/pulling Hannah to the bus that she was going to miss. For some reason every time I picture that scene I just laugh for poor Jess!
Ah Rach, I'm so sorry to hear you're hurting so much. I can't begin to imagine how hard this is for you.Please know that I continue to pray for you and Brien.
Love you!
MK
My heart and prayers still goes out to you and your family! I wish I can take some of your pain away!!It truley sucks! she is a special lil girl, she has touched so many lives, including mine! Take care!!
rach-
you are hurting and i am so sorry. i am praying for you....i am praying for you. you don't have to be so strong...this is not easy.
m
By the way, I hope my daughter's impact people's lives the way Hannah did, even if it is through my blog.
I had tried to leave you a previous comment, but I guess it didn't go through. I started reading your blog during the Hannah and the cat fight. I found her to be gorgeous and full of charisma. The stories you told of Hannah reminded me a lot of my 3 year old so I was hooked.
When I heard the news of Hannah, I cried for you and the pain you must be feeling. I have prayed that I could take just some of that away for you. I wanted to hug you and cry with you. You are so strong, I don't know how you are doing it. Lily is absolutely beautiful as well and that smile is contagious isn't it?
Thank you for all your beautifully written Hannah stories and keep your head held high. I will continue praying for you!
Rach~
It does suck! I wish I could take the pain away from you all! All I can do is always keep you all in my prayers and love. Your memories of Hannah will never fade she will always be with you, she is always in your heart.
I wish that Jason and I lived closer so that we could fix you all dinner.
We have the same book at home and Lilly and Wyatt love it.
Lots of Hugs & Love,
Jennifer
I am a member of Jess's board and have been reading your blog daily since I heard about sweet Hannah. I just want to say that you are an inspiration to me! You have such an incredible spirit and I have enjoyed getting to know Hannah through your posts and pictures! I have four kids and have enjoyed telling them all about Hannah. Lily reminds me so much of my 2 yr. old Katelyn! I am going to look for Fancy Nancy and read it to my girls! Hannah continues to inspire us and I am praying for all of you!
Amy - Saphireice
Hi Rach-
My name is Betsy McKinstry and I live in Peoria, Az with my husband and 2 soon to be 3 boys. I learned of your blog through my friend Karen Layser who works with a friend of your's Ruhiyyih. I've been hurting for you and your family at the loss your your precious baby girl. Although I don't know you, and your family I feel as though I do through the beautiful way you write. You truly are an inspiration and Hannah was the amazing little girl everyone so adored because of the wonderful parenting job of you and your husband. I also can't help but to think how lucky you were, because of all the mother and fathers in the world that God could have chosen to be her parents he choose YOU and Brien.
I to was inspired to create a blob to keep family updated on our life as we are here in Az and the rest of our famly is in NC. I just posted a couple of pictures of my boys proudly sporting their blue tongues like your Monkey Hannah. After the finished their ice cream they were sticking out their tongues and I immediately thought of the picture of Hannah on your blog sticking out here blue tongue:-). I had to take the pictures!Check out my blog if you like it's www.mckinstryfamily.blogspot.com.
I also want to send you this poem Footprints in the Sand which I think beautifully describes how God carries us through in the tough times in our life.
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."
The LORD replied:
"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
Just know that when the days are hard that your precious Father in Heaven is there right beside you and your Hannah too!
Sending you many prayers that today will be a good day today!
God Bless you,
Betsy McKinstry
Rach,
I have only benn reading your blog for a few weeks and I want to tell you that you are the most loving and courageous lady. Your stories of Hannah have blessed my heart so! I heard a song this morning called "Dancing with Angels" by (Monk & Neagle)that reminded me of Hannah.Remember that when we can't God can and tell yourself everyday that "I can do All things through Christ who strengthens me.I know he will give you grace sufficient for today and every day. :) God Bless!
Grief is a rollercoaster! Its also the hardest work we will ever do. Thank you for continuing to share your family with us. So many of us are thinking about you every day.
I think it is so very cool that Hannah is on Mars (or will be!).
Everybody grieves at a different pace, you may grieve for the next five years, you may grieve shorter or longer. Don't let anybody tell you to "just get over it already, move on" because they will. Have you thought about going to some group grief counseling? There are groups for parents who have lost children, and it might help to share your Hannah with other parents who understand too well what you are going through.
You and yours are in my prayers.
Summertime and water. We learned last night that some Baha'i friends of ours just lost their 20 year old son to a swimming accident yesterday. He was precious, just like Hannah. Now, two families grieving, sharing the same kind of loss. I'm dwelling on this today, quite subdued. I hope she holds on tight to that roller-coaster, just like you.
Moo Baa is quite big here, too. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think everyone is right about grief being a rollercoaster -- and about it being overwhelming one minute and then absolutely manageable the next. I don't think you can predict. I'm a teacher, too, and I know what you mean about planning -- but I also know that teachers are able to go into the zone and do what needs to be done when it needs to be done. You may have days when the effort of getting to the zone will be completely debilitating once it is over, but you'll get the job done.
I'm praying for you, and thinking about your family and Hannah a whole lot.
Rach,
After reading your blog comments is appears that your whole family is touching the lives of others! it is not only Hannah, but Lily as well.
Your family is very loved and no matter what we are always praying for you. My prayer for you today is that you will be able to remember the good times, pray about the pain, and God's grace will get you through the day!
wow....thats all I can say!! you are ttruly a gifted, wonderful person Rach, and I am SO thankful to have the opportunity to get to know you as each day passes. Know that I am there beside you in spirit...with my hand on your shoulder, offering all the strength I can to keep you up. Hannah IS all around us. Even here in Hawaii i can tell. She is such a bright light in our lives, and SUCH a presence, that I feel her everyday! She will ALWAYS be thought of, prayed for, and sung to (bug and drama mama sang twinkle twinkle last night while looking out the window! My heart melted. I look forward to reading all about Lils adventures like I did with Hannah. And I look forward to the MEMORIES of Hannah that you share everyday. THOSE are so important to me. Rach, just know that your WHOLE family lives in a lot of hearts right now! AND we are ALL here for you if you need ANYTHING! *hugs*
Hi sweetie,
Just checking in this morning, I didn't get the chance last night.
I think once you start teaching again those children are actually going to carry you through this difficult year. I was a Pre School Teacher and I seriously believe that little children are the closest thing to God and you will feel so much love when your around them.
Hannah will also be looking right at you through their eyes and I feel you will enjoy being around them, getting out of the house, and keeping busy.
We lost our Dad this past year to Cancer and I wish I could tell you it gets easier but that's just not true. We have our days, we have our moments, it really is like a roller coaster- we miss him so very much, it's been 9 months and it still hurts deeply- but I keep remembering a certain scripture that comforts me, I'm not even sure which one it is but it says something like, "I never said it would be easy, but it will be worth it" something to the fact that this life will definitely not be easy but when we do go to Heaven, we will know that it was all worth it
Sending much love
Jade
I'm another one who found your blog after you lost Hannah - and I'm so, so sorry. I just wanted to say that I've had the unfortunate opportunity to witness a number of parents losing a child (as a pediatric nurse) and everyone grieves differently. You will grieve differently than other mothers. You may grieve differently than your husband. DO NOT let anyone tell you that your grief process is "wrong", that you should be at X stage of grief at X time, or anything like that. You do whatever you need to do to go on right now.
Love and prayers
hugs to you.
You and your husband had to endure such a tragedy. Even if he grieves differently, it could never take away the pain that he has lost a child too. I am so happy you have such a great support system taking care of you there and if I could, I would be there in a heartbeat.
I love that the frogs connect you daily to Hannah. I think we all feel connected to people through nature and the beauty it shares wih us all. Hannah will always be a beautiful little girl through beautiful little frogs. And how awesome that she will be going to Mars! Big Big Hugs!!
Thank you for your comment. I didn't comment before because I didn't want you to think I was intruding. By the way, I stole that picture from your blog, sorry!
Beautiful garden & pond that you have done in the earlier post.
The grieving process is not an easy ride, but I pray that you will find comfort in Hanna's memories.
I told you I got "hooked" from the cat on. I had to learn more. In a month, I have read all of your entries (I do a whole lot of nothing at work.) They made for some very interesting days. The one I think I most related to is "I am officially the worst mother" or something along those lines. I have so many of those days and feel like I am the only one so thank you for your candid perspective into your life.
Rach, I love you and I'm sending an email. Love NiNi
Oh God...
I can not imagine how much it sucks... I just can't imagine.
God bless you and your family.
Hello. I've been reading and commenting as much as I can. I just want you to know that I am praying for you, Brien and Lily. I am just so sorry for your loss and I cannot wrap my mind around it.
God Bless You and your family,
Kristen
We live on campus next to the dairy barns, the hill behind the house is the where the VT students play softball, soccer, and all other sports.
Oh Honey, One day at a time, that's all you can do. It does SUCK and it is okay to say it, scream it if you need to . . . just remember, we all love you and are thinking about you, and are praying for you, whether we know you personally or not. I wish I could take all of your pain away, I truly do . . . if you need eanthing, let me know. My email address is on my site. Take care of yourself . . .
I can't believe it's already been two weeks - I can'te ven imagine grieving the way you are right now.
As far as going back to school, you may find it makes it a bit easier to pull it together when you have a routine...knowing your students are counting on you, etc. When I went back to teaching after losing my baby (not nearly anything like losing an older child, but as close as I can come in circumstance), I felt that it made the day go by faster and I had to focus on something else.
I think you are doing a good job putting one foot in front of the other. Your family is still in my prayers.
Laura
I am so sorry for your loss. Reading your posts really helps me keep life in perspective.
hi. i just found your blog recently through a friend. i am so sorry that you lost your dear little hannah. my brother lost his little boy in march and i totally relate to what you wrote about feeling physical pain. i experienced the same thing and was totally surprised by it. i appreciate your posts so much as it gives me insight to what my brother and sister in law are experiencing. i think you feel hannah because i believe heaven is all around us. isn't it amazing how close we really are to it? i went to va tech and have been to the cascades many times. i will go again and think of you, your family and hannah. my prayers are with you. peace.
Hannah will live on in a bright corner of every person's heart who knew her or learned of her through your recounting of her life.
I sit here in awe at the capacity of the human heart to suffer, to love . . . to care. To go on, when it is not possible, not thinkable.
My prayer is that what comfort you find - is firmly based on the knowledge that you loved her as no one else could. And she knew that - and does now.
Lily is equally blessed by that remarkable love - she is a precious darling.
Your courage in sharing this journey . . . I am humbled beyond saying.
A tender hug - an arm around your shoulders - my tears.
I visit your blog daily, and you continue to be in my prayers every night. I know your Hannah is up in heaven twirling around, tending to the gardens, picking flowers, taking care of the animals... and pretty much entertaining everyone else. In reality, I can't imagine the enormity of what you are going through; all I can offer is my family's "virtual" continued support. Take each moment as it comes, and rejoice in Hannah's spirit and revel in Lily's spunk. Blessings to you.
I'm so glad that you've been surrounded with such love and support. I'm giving you time because you've got all you need now but I do really want to come visit at some point (as I've talked about even before all of this happened!) I'll bring Ruhiyyih too and we can make a girl's day of it, maybe in the fall? It would be fun! And it's pretty ridiculous that I haven't met Lily out of utero yet :)
I wish I could give you a big hug! I think you are amazing. Utterly Amazing!
I've been visiting your blog for weeks now, and I believe you are officially the most inspiring person I know. You could be incapacitated with grief, as I'm sure you feel, but instead you continue to focus on the joys and blessings of your life. Your gratitude is nothing less than inspiring. I'm in awe of you as you endure with grace what I'm sure is every mother's greatest fear. I wonder how many mothers hug their children tighter, yell a little less, appreciate more through your writing. Know, though I am a stranger, you would never know who I was if you passed me on the street, nor would I you, you and your family are in my daily thoughts and prayers. You are a magnificent reminder to me how all mothers are connected by the love of our children. Hannah will be forever in my heart.
Post a Comment