I wish I hadn't posted about the comment upsetting me so much. I wish I had just let it go but I couldn't. This in turn seemed to stir up discussion and potential confrontations which in turn made me physically ill. I don't like confrontations or conflict of any kind and I wasn't trying to invite it into my blog, yet, somehow I did.
I have never gotten nervous coming to my blog. It has always been my place to sit and reflect and figure out how I'm doing. I keep it for me, to monitor how I'm doing, how my path through grief is progressing. But, this morning and evening I got butterflies of dread and I didn't like it. So, in true Rachael fashion, I'm not going to let it beat me, I'm not going to let it get to me. I'm going to continue coming here, continue writing my heart out and if you don't like what I write, you can scram. Additionally, I decided I needed to protect myself from such comments. I had initially determined I was going to disable the comments, but then came up with a better solution: moderated comments which are sent to Brien to screen for me. :o)
As the title suggests, it has been an "it's funny" kind of day. The day started out so very poorly and I felt so awful I didn't know how I was going to manage to get through today. At the advice of someone from our CF group, I breathed deeply, I drank water and I prayed--hard. I was still upset as I dropped Lily at daycare and made my way to school. I was anxious as I made my way into the building. And then, something wonderful happened. I got into my classroom, I saw so many smiling, loving, caring faces all around me and I began to feel better. There is such positive energy in that building it surrounds you when you walk in. I was enveloped in hugs and positive thoughts and I immediately began to feel better.
Before I had been in the building 30 minutes I was feeling up-beat and positive again. I am truly where I am meant to be. This school is where I am supposed to be and these people are my angels. I'm so grateful I'm in a place where everyone cares so very deeply for each other. Every night I say a prayer of thanks. I thank God for the almost six years I got to bask in the joy that is Hannah, for my family and Brien and Lily, for me being brave enough to embrace this change in my life--including the new school. Yes, fifth grade continues to make me nervous, but I'm so happy to be there! :o)
To add to my enjoyment of the day, I got to come home for lunch with Brien and Lily, and then, Nana and Pop came to visit me at school. In fact, I sucked Nana and Pop into assisting me with bulletin boards and moving books. To add to the fun, Nana and I visited School Crossing, a teacher supply/awesome toys store. Nana seemed so stoked to have an opportunity to select bordette and other fun decorative classroom items she was fun to be with. :o)
1. My fancy, dangly earrings that are Hannah approved.
2. I'm still stoked with my JQ novels--what an amazing person she is!
3. Lil's new shoes. They are pink and sparkly and HUGE on her tiny feet. :oP I'll have to post pictures tomorrow. I just hope Lil grows up to like sparklies because I have a feeling they are going to be thrust upon her for quite some time.
4. I left my laptop at work. Yes, this is a sparkly because it will FORCE me to reduce the amount of time I spend on the computer, thereby enjoying living LIFE a little more. :o)
5. My coworker's baby. Oh, what a doll! She has the most amazing curly hair (think Erin) and she "winkers" with both eyes when she meets someone new. Some babies wave, she winks. :oP
6. My cowkers. Period.
7. I got my class list today and was told the kids are the BEST. Everyone who got a peek at my list just RAVED about the kiddos they saw. Yay!! :o)
8. Lunch with B and Lil.
9. Moving through anxiety to feeling at peace and happy. What a great feeling!
1. Stride Rite Outlet shoe shopping for Lily and not for Hannah. I began purchasing clothing for the Monkey the moment I found out she was a girl. I have been purchasing items for her for six years and it's a tough habit to break. To the person who posted the C.S. Lewis quote, that perfectly stated what is happening in my life. I found myself looking at all the shoes Han would absolutely ADORE and got maudlin knowing she will never have an opportunity to wear any of them, and then, I changed my perspective. I began to intentionally look for Fancy Hannah shoes and enjoyed them. I was grateful I had had Hannah to teach me to look for the fun and ridiculous in life. :o) Please don't think this means I don't miss her, because OH BOY I do.
2. Our first Friday Night Dinner out with just us and Nana and Pop and no Hannah. It was so sad at first and then, Lily came to the rescue, providing comic relief and allowing us to laugh at Hannah memories. No, it's not fair, and I will continue to do it, as I always have, I compare the two girls. Hannah as a doll in restaurants and Lil, well, she's um, busy. We were watching Lily "acolor" on her kids' menu, marveling that she holds her writing implements in a tripod grip when suddenly, I remembered one of my favorite Hannah stories. Hannah was very verbal (as I'm sure you have figured out) and had some mighty excellent fine motor skills from a young age. Han was about two or two and a half and we were out to dinner with Nana and Pop. Han didn't like the kids' menus to color on and would instead use a napkin as her canvas. She began to draw a person, including the head, a body, and arms and legs. We were all beginning to marvel as she added a face and fingers and toes. Suddenly, there were more than ten toes and they were slowly creeping up the figure's legs. When questioned about her drawing, Hannah responded, "I'm drawing Daddy and that's the hair on his legs!" Oh, how we laughed and laughed over that one! :oP
Take heart everyone, I'm doing so well this evening and hope tomorrow goes as well as today. :o)