One Month Down, One Million to Go

Wow. It's really been a month. How has the time flown so and yet dragged on and on endlessly? I have been having an up and down weekend, filled with fun, family time and sorrow--or, rather, an aimless feeling that I can't really put into words.

Yesterday began like every other day with Brien, Lil and I heading out to check out the water lilies and Han's flower garden first thing. By 9:00 we were dressed and out the door, heading to the Farmers' Market in search of corn, sun gold tomatoes and any other yummies that caught our eyes. Lily was delighted to discover the blueberry vendor, from whom we purchased THREE pints of blueberries! They are exactly as blueberries should be, sweet and firm, bursting on your tongue when you bite into them.

We took our time yesterday, soaking in the atmosphere and enjoying the people watching (B and me) and dog watching (Lil). We meandered over to watch the live musician and snacked on our blueberries, observing the families that strolled by. Before long, there was a family dancing, a mom and her two little girls. I wept as I watched for one of the little darlings could have been Hannah. She was wearing a frilly pink dress and sparkly pink shoes. Her head was adorned with a brilliant pink tiara and she danced as Hannah always had, with joy and abandon. I was watching Hannah dance and I ached knowing the only way I will ever see such a thing again is through other children. Oh do I miss my Monkey.

The day was simply gorgeous, temps in the low to mid 80's and very little humidity and B and I wanted to spend as much time outside as we could. Unfortunately, we had Lily the world's best napper with us and she needed some sleep so instead, we went home and made a lunch of sun golds (mmmm...) and homemade salsa (from a kit purchased at the Farmers' Market--if you haven't been, and you live in the local area, you are SO missing out!).

We once again visited California "Taquito" for dinner and allowed Lil to run around the "courtyard" by the fountain, enjoying the cool evening breeze. We finished off our family night with a quick trip to Old Navy (where Lil rode the plastic doggy...), Chico's and B&N. Is there any smell in the world that is better than a bookstore??

Today, we met up with Woli and Doug and their Munchkins, Robert, Emma and Jack. Doug had had an assignment in VA Beach and Woli decided to come along to get in some family time--Yay! We once again hit DOG St. and CW, allowing the kiddos to run and play on the Palace Green where some interpreters were playing with hoops and sticks and homemade bubbles. Robert and Emma were both quite adept with the hoops, and I could just see Han laughing her head off as she had no coordination and her hoop would have fallen immediately.

Robert was a delight! He is a little over a year older than Han and was chock full of questions, much like the Monk; an inquisitive little guy, anxious to explore everything he possibly could. :o) Emma reminded me of Hannah with her need to have her mommy's and daddy's attention. She was wearing the cutest little sun dress and hot pink Crocs and Han would have heartily approved. Woli said Emma gets "lost" in mirrors, which again reminded me so much of Hannah. Hannah ADORED admiring herself, using any reflective surface to ascertain she was still beautiful. Hannah was very disappointed when we purchased our new "TD" (you folks might know this contraption as the "TV", but not so here) because being a flat screened HDTV it no longer had a shiny screen. Often when Hannah would "dance" around the living room, she would do so while admiring herself in the screen. :oP

Today was so incredibly hot and humid it was very difficult to breathe. How on earth do children not notice it is so hot they are melting on the spot?? We had dinner and then strolled around Merchant's Square some more, enjoying each others' company. I'm hoping Woli and family will be able to make a return trip sometime this winter before Christmas so they can experience the beauty of CW during the holidays--it really is a sight to behold. :o)

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So, me. Hm. How am I doing? I'm not sure right now. I'm in flux. One moment I'm fine, the next I'm so incredibly sad I'm not sure I'll ever feel happy again. But, of course, I do. That is one of the strange things about my grief, and I would almost call it a blessing. Those sharp feelings of sadness and grief never last longer than an hour at most, making them more bearable because I know they won't last forever. It's much like contractions while in labor--you know they can't last forever so you just get through them the best you can until the next moment of peace arrives.

Hannah's death is very real to me, and has been for some time. Initially, it seemed each day became a little easier to manage, but this weekend, this didn't seem to be the case. Weekends were always a time for us and our little family and this weekend, it was us and our littler family and it was hard. I missed Han at the Farmers' Market. I missed her at dinner, at the fountain and while shopping. I missed her during the night. I missed her at CW today and even now, as yet another storm rages outside. I'm uncertain which is worse, the guilt or the missing.

I was very fortunate in that Woli, Doug and their kids were all comfortable with Hannah stories and were even willing to share thoughts of Hannah. I know the children were apprehensive initially (I know I would have been) but before long, the "Hannah" in my tales must have seemed like "Ron and Pablo" Hannah's imaginary friends--the stories were being told, but the characters didn't exist where we could see them. I'm so grateful we had the time to get together and play and hope we can continue to do so!

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Weekend Sparklies:
1. New tadpoles in the frog pond!
2. I wore my dangly earrings yesterday and a fancy butterfly shaped clip in my hair today.
3. Seeing Woli and her family.
4. Being able to visit places that were special with Hannah and knowing those places will always be special, no matter what.
5. The sparkly dancing girl. She broke my heart by lifted my spirits. :o)
6. Fresh produce to enjoy for the next week! Yummo!!

Weekend Milestones:
1. I spent far less time on the computer this weekend which in turn led to more free time and therefore more time to contemplate life sans Hannah.
2. Yet another family shopping expedition spent finding clothing for Hannah that she will not need, nor want I would imagine, as she is now bound to be the sparkliest thing in heaven! :oP
3. Spending time with children roughly Han's age for about four or five hours today. I had anticipated this might be hard, especially as Emma and Robert both remind me of Hannah in so many delightful ways.
4. Pepe Le'Pu kisses running up and down Woli's arm complements of Emma. Hannah used to want to snuggle and cuddle and kiss us ALL THE TIME! Grrrr. It would irritate the pee out of me, and now I'm trying to figure out why. Was it because it seemed like TOO much? I'm not sure why it bothered my so much because now, of course, I wish she was here to do all of it.



Thank you, once again, to all who have shown me how Hannah and our family have touched your lives, even if in a small way. Han would be delighted to know she has inspired so many to be Fancy and to take pleasure in the small things in life. I know B and I no longer take any small things for granted!! :o)

I'm off to enjoy some Irish step-dancing thunder and pray Lily stays asleep tonight...:oP