Time Marches On

Sundays are always slow days here and today was no exception. Lily went down for a nap after lunch and I began obsessively checking my blog for comments. Confession time: I am OBSESSED with my blog now. I compulsively check for new comments, each one bolstering me and letting me know my life is meaningful, that maybe there is some sliver of a silver lining to all this pain. I know I need to learn to stand on my own two feet, but for now, I'm allowing myself to lean on any and all shoulders, and my commenters seem to have VERY broad shoulders. :o)

Mom, Jessie and Ella arrived late this afternoon and chaos immediately ensued as the two toddlers picked up where they left off. Lily has become VERY possessive of any and all toys in the house and if Ella dares to even look at one, let alone touch it, Lily homes in like a heat seeking missile ready to snatch "her" treasure back. This of course infuriates Ella (and who can blame her?) who begins to scream and hold on for dear life. It's actually very amusing to watch the tug-of-war and screaming matches those two get into. Of course, there are some moments of confusion when Lil leans in for a hug or to tickle Ella and Ella jumps away. Lily is so used to having somebody else around that it has been hard being the only kiddo in the house. She readily leaps at the chance to be physical (apparently in any capacity) with Ella.

Mom and I went to Chico's to do some final back to school clothes shopping for me. I've been steadily adding a piece here or there over the course of the summer and needed to finalize my wardrobe. The clothing I wore for teaching at Marshall is not quite professional enough for life in a private school so my wardrobe needed updating.

My last visit to Chico's had been with Hannah the day we purchased her Bath & Bodyworks goodies. She had gone in with me, looked at all the jewelry and then sat waiting patiently while I finished my browsing. I would occasionally call her over to ask her opinion on a piece of clothing and she would skip over to me, look at the article and think for a moment before yea-ing or nay-ing the outfit. My little fashionista loved to help me in this way.

So, it was with major trepidation I entered the store. I had already had a bad moment when we parked the car along Main Street in New Town. We parked in front of Barnes & Nobel and I could see the B & BW up the street. I sat in the car breathing deeply for a moment before crossing the street to Chico's. I took a few moments to just let myself feel. I felt sad and melancholy, wishing more than anything in the world my sweet, precious, precocious Monkey were with me. But then, as has been happening of late, I began to feel less sad, I began to enjoy myself. I found a PILE of clothing marked down 30% with an additional 50% off that!

As we left the store, the heavens opened with a crashing BOOM and I raced to the car, once again proud of having passed another milestone, and grateful my baby didn't have to suffer through yet another obnoxiously loud thunderstorm.

*************************************************

This evening, Brien and I delivered two CDs of Hannah pictures to the nurses at the hospital. It was wonderful to see Megan as we hadn't seen her since the night of Hannah's release from the cat bite. Soon, Rachel was there as well, and there we all stood in front of the double doors leading to the ER, laughing, crying and reminiscing about Hannah's visit to the resort. :o) Hannah sure made a lasting impression on the nurses at that hospital!

This video clip was shot in November during an evening spent playing in Lily's room. Brien was tickling Hannah and you can hear how much she loved to play with her Daddy. Unfortunately, the laugh is not the great big HUGE Hannah belly laugh, but it is certainly one we all enjoyed nonetheless.


Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Share Photos - Free Video Hosting

(That was for you, Megan. :o) )

***********************************************************

I have found I enjoy this journaling at the end of my evenings. It makes me sit back and focus on what today was like, to really take stock of my feelings and actions. I'm sad. I'm very very sad and lonely, missing my Monkey in a way I never thought humanly possible. And yet, as sad as I am, I worry I'm blocking my feelings; that maybe in the back of my mind I've convinced myself Hannah is just off somewhere and she'll be returning soon. I worry the gut-wrenching agony of the past two weeks will return and I'll be incapacitated with grief worse than before. Have I actually acknowledged to myself Hannah is gone? Have I let myself know she is never coming back and that I have to live the rest of my life wondering--what Han would have looked like as an adult, what would she have done for a career (other than Irish step dancing and hairdressing), would she have had children--about Hannah's lost future?

It was terribly difficult learning to live with Hannah. She was not an easy baby, and cried incessantly for the first three months. The only way she was happy was if she was being held, which made life incredibly difficult for those first three months. But then, suddenly, she was the happiest little Monkey, always smiling and laughing. She had the heartiest belly laugh I had ever heard on a baby and was alert from the moment she was born, with the doctor exclaiming, "Her eyes are open!" The nurses in the nursery loved her, as she would lie in her bassinet wide-eyed, taking in the world around her.

Hannah decided to enter the world sunny side-up, a harbinger of the months and years she would spend moving at her own pace, marching to her own drum, doing things her own delightful way. She was a nosy baby and never wanted to sleep for fear of missing something. Hannah was a little sponge who soaked everything in and could wring every bit of delight and wonder to be had from the world around her.

And yet, as hard as it was to learn to live with Hannah, it's been far worse learning to live without her. My mind stutters and my brain fails to compute how someone so vibrant, so alive, so vital to my existence could suddenly be gone. Within moments the sparkle in my life was dulled.

I refuse to let that sparkle and light be dimmed forever, though. As I have been documenting, I have been trying to find some of that sparkle and fairy dust on my own. It's not always easy, but I had a master teaching me and I desperately want her to be proud of me. Oh GOD do I miss her.

********************************************************

Today's Sparklies:
1. I wore my small "diamond" flower earrings.
2. I wore eye make-up for the first time in weeks.
3. I put on my Fancy Hannah silver sparkly, high heeled flip flops. :o)
4. I purchased a Fancy Hannah top the Monkey would LOVE!

Today's Milestones:
1. A trip to Target sans Hannah. Brien and I were continually finding items Hannah would have loved, especially by the school supplies. The school supplies section was especially difficult, knowing Hannah and I would have been there together, choosing folders, ogling the fun markers and sticky notes, all the while procuring the items on her supply list.
2. Chico's shopping without my fashion adviser. You miss Hannah in the absence of sound, the loss of Hannah's laugh and giggle and her random Hannah chatter. Nobody told worse jokes than Hannah! Things are far quieter without the Monkey around and shopping is no exception.