Utterly Exhausted

I just had to post this photo because it makes me smile. :o) Mom, Jessie and Ella all headed their separate ways today while I began my new life. Yes, that's how it feels. I had thought going to work today would be fun, if a little nerve wracking because I was leaving Lil and Brien for an entire day. The day was fun in the end, but it certainly didn't start out as I thought it would.

Today was a meet and greet with the new faculty and staff where Margaret and Scott outlined the way the school is run and what their expectations are for us. There was a Q&A and food and wonderfully funny people who are all so enthusiastic at the opportunity they have to be working for such a wonderful school. As I was sitting there listening to Margaret, I began to have an anxiety attack. I got through it and found myself in the midst of another, and then, another. I was in a room full of people and couldn't seem to breathe. It was awful.

Upon reflection, I realize the attacks were caused by two things: 1. I was in a room full of people, many of whom don't know I've lost a child and 2. I was in a room full of people, talking about small children and listening to parents talk about their children and I was unable to just jump in and talk. That hurt. Every parent loves to brag on their child and Hannah was so very brag-worthy. ;o)

We were treated to lunch at the Center Street Grill, one of my favorite local restaurants. I was enjoying my lunch, and before I knew it, I was in the midst of yet another anxiety attack! I realized I was listening to one of my new colleagues ( a LOVELY lady with tons of enthusiasm and energy) speak of her children and all they were doing to prepare for a new school year and I was jealous! I was jealous she had her babies to do these things with, and was anticipating a new year with them, and I was left with nothing but fancy memories.

As I have said before, I think of a new year beginning with the start of a new school year. Today, I began the first chapter in my "Life Without Hannah" book. I made a new start in a new year without my Monkey and her death seemed so much more real today. I've known she is gone but the reality of living without her hit harder than it has before. I picked up Lily and she and I entered the house, the same as we always have at the end of a work day and there was no Hannah waiting to come running up shouting, "Mooooooooommmeeeeeee!! I know what you've been waiting for, Mommy! Here you go!" as she launched herself at me to give me a great BIG bear hug. The only people in the house were Lil, Brien and I and it seemed odd and strangely sad. My new normal is not much fun.

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My new coworkers are an amusing bunch. :o) I'm the type of person who takes the bull by the horns and will go up and introduce myself to anyone I don't know. The same held true this morning as I greeted another new teacher. I said, "Hi, I'm Rachael Davis" to which she responded, "Oh, hi!! My husband told me I needed to find you and give you a big hug!!" Huh?? It turns out her husband and Brien work in the same office. In fact, her husband has been to our house on a number of occasions in recent weeks. It seems Becky's husband told her I had accepted a job at Walsingham and she decided that would be a great place to apply. The rest is history. I told Margaret she was welcome for me finding Becky for her. :oP

They are spoiling me rotten in this place! The most amazing things happened today. I was given a VERY nice stainless steal travel mug (one of those $30 ones) with the school's logo on it. Then, we had the opportunity to "go shopping" in the supply lady's store. This means if I found something I needed or even wanted, all I had to do was drop it in my bag. That's it!! I was allowed to grab 125 pocket folders, a desk calendar, makers, scissors, a tape dispenser, white out and much much more!!!! This is such an incredible thing to me as I have ALWAYS purchased everything I thought I would need for my students. I can't believe they just give this stuff!! :o)

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Lil tried to make me feel guilty as I dropped her off this morning, clinging to Shari as she cried her eyes out. I've seen this before and just kissed her and walked out the door after telling her, "I love you!" This afternoon Shari told me I didn't even make it down the front steps before Lil decided it was time to do something other than cry. Shari also told me Lily has been wonderful and that she just loves her. Whew! It seems Lil leaves her snatcher-pest self here when we leave in the morning. She also has a great time as she looked up when I came in this afternoon and said, "Oh, hi, Mommy" and stayed where she was eating her snack. Hmpf. Yeah, she missed me...:oP

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Today's Sparklies:
1. Checking the pond before leaving for work. Only one blossom right now, but another on the way! :o)
2. I was spoiled and treated well by my new school and staff.
3. My new classroom desks arrived and B helped me place them in cooperative learning groups.
4. I wore the new shirt I purchased that I knew Han would love.
5. Dinner with the Nichols family is always a blast. Which reminds me, Dani, did you know the room off the kitchen is now referred to as "Dani's Room"? Hee hee hee!
6. The uninhibited behaviors of little boys as they feel the need to relieve themselves, especially little boys who are potty training. :oP (Dani, have I got a Macy story for you!! :oP)
7. Listening to the CD Leila created for Han's devotional service. How did you know Louis Armstrong's "Wonderful World" was one of Hannah's and my favorites?? :o)

Today's Milestones:
1. Work
2. Lunch at Center Street Grill. Hannah enjoyed the heck out of this establishment, and as with so many other things, she was everywhere.
3. Meeting new people who don't know about Hannah and her accident.
4. Dinner at the Nichols' house sans Han.


I'm so very exhausted and yet I've managed to stay up too late yet again. Please know, if I usually come and visit your blog and I haven't been by, I'm a smidgey busy but I still love each and every one of you dearly! Have a great day tomorrow!!