The only trouble with going out of town is returning home. When you get home, you have laundry to do and life just waiting for you. For instance, although we made it home by 3:30 today, I spent an hour cleaning and straightening the kitchen and then another hour talking with Paul via SightSpeed. Then, it was off to dinner with Nana and Pop and now I'm just settling in for an evening of grading papers and writing lesson plans. Fun!
The weekend was wonderful and sad combined. I've got so much to share and very little time in which to do so this evening--I'm in SO much trouble if I get to work sans lesson plans!
The trip to Blacksburg was uneventful is crowded. You could see the convoy of Hokies all heading to our Mecca, most of the vehicles adorned with magnets and flags. Enjoying the back roads as I do, I exited onto Rt. 11 and spent 30 minutes in traffic-free peace. While driving I realized something rather amazing--Brien and I are the ones who taught Hannah to take the time to stop and discover and explore. It was us!! We were riding along and off in the distance I caught a peek of two light-up palm trees. They were completely decorated in Christmas tree lights and they were fabulous! I quickly attempted to point them out to B and Lil before we were past them. It was then I realized it was Brien and me who helped teach Han to be sparkly!
As I'm fairly short on time this evening, I'm going to attempt to give a quick recap of my weekend and fill in the details later. The ballgame was emotional and fabulous, as was the walk to and from the game. I missed Hannah so very much while walking through the fields to the game. (B and I always walk from Mom's house, taking the bike trails through her neighborhood to campus.)
Saturday evening we had Mike's burgers for dinner and dined on the Drill Field. Yay! We were intending to head to the Duck Pond but when a parking space on the Drill Field presents itself, you take it! Lily loved running in such wide open spaces and Mom, B and I all paid our respects to the 4/16 victims at the new memorial along with hoards of other Hokies. The line to the memorial seemed to stretch half way across the Drill Field.
Sunday morning we grabbed some Hardee's for brecky and drove into Pembroke to visit the Cascades and Hannah. We inadvertently left Lil's backpack at home and the Mei Tai was nowhere to be found (also at home it would seem) so we were unable to hike to the top. However, we visited with Han down stream and Lily hiked quite a way on her own. In fact, she was very unhappy with us when we made her turn around to return to the parking lot!
Sunday afternoon found us visiting with Mom's friend (ours too!) Brenda. We met at the Cracker Barrel for dessert and had such a lovely visit. Lil decided to play friendly and let Brenda carry her through the fun store as they explored everything there was to offer. B and I spent our time finding so much Hannah would have loved. Initially, when first shopping without Han I would become sad when faced with items she would have adored. Now, I find bittersweet joy in seeing such items and will search them out. Brien and I are trying to be careful and let Lil's personality shine through and not force any of the Monkey's preferences and loves on her.
Sunday evening was spent with Grandma and Bill. We visited, had dinner and then visited some more. It's just not fair that Grandma should have to experience this loss all over again. I feel so guilty that so many are suffering with the loss of the Monk. I feel like it's all my fault and my heart aches that I have caused so many so much pain. I worry that my family secretly blames me for Hannah's death because deep down inside I think I still do.
This morning we hit the road and I81 and I64 were crowded messes. B and I determined Rt. 5 would be the best path home to avoid all the congestion on the interstate. It was a lovely ride and I was glad we did it. Rt. 5 is known as the corridor of plantations and there are SO many along the way.
Lily was such a sweetie on the way home. She slept for the first half and then, once awake, she was chipper and happy, laughing and having such a good time. :o) I realized we have not sung the silly nursery rhyme songs with her like we did with Han and decided we had better rectify that. We sang the ABC's and "Old MacDonald" and "Baa Baa Black Sheep" and "How Much is the ________ in the Window" (fill in the blank with the animal of your choice and make appropriate animal sounds in appropriate places). We sang and sang and sang and laughed and laughed and laughed. It was such fun and really lifted my spirits as they have been quite low during spurts this weekend.
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Today's Hannah Story:
Hannah loved to sing and jabber from a very early age. She was the one who started singing, "How much is that kitty in the window? Meow meow" and got us started singing an entire zoo of critters. The Monk also notoriously slaughtered songs, as do most small children. "Twinkle twinkle" found it's lyrics changed to "buppa buppa world so high..." while "Baa Baa Black Sheep" had "Baa baa black sheep, have you any more?". While chanting the story of "Goldilocks and the Three Bears," "Goldilocks she woke, she broke the potty and she beat it outta there!". Such a silly, happy Monkey.
Hm, with apologies to REM, "Silly happy Monkeys singing songs!"
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I'm doing fairly well this evening. Friday was another fantastic day, Saturday found me down and up and yesterday was the same. This morning I awoke feeling ill and unbearably sad. I had a dream about people coming to see me and sharing stories of life without Hannah and it was so hard to listen to them and so hard to move on without her.
In the news I seem to be bombarded with stories of families losing their children through tragic accidents. My heart hurts so badly for these families because I know what the road ahead holds for them and I desperately wish it weren't so. All I can do is say prayers for them to find peace and understanding, something that is still quite often elusive for me.
Tomorrow is the first day of public school. We should have been labeling and setting out school supplies and choosing first day of school outfits. Instead, I'm saying a prayer of thanks that Hannah is having such fun now and that she won't have her heart broken by careless words and unkindnesses. Han was such a sensitive little soul and her poor little heart was so easily bruised by unkind or thoughtless words--I know I was the cause of much anguish, much to my chagrin. The one thing Hannah wanted more than anything else was to be friends with everyone. She wanted everyone to love her and be her friend and so often children can be unintentionally cruel to one another. I'm so glad Monkey Mine is surrounded by more friends than she could ever have imagined. :o)
I miss her so dreadfully this evening and know tomorrow will be difficult. I'm eternally grateful I'll leave before the bus and get home after the bus. Tomorrow is a BIG milestone.
Today's Sparklies:
1. The plantation houses on the backroads.
2. The big, gaudy sparkly button on my inherited denim capris! :oP
3. I've lost 16 pounds so far. Yay me!
4. The kitty is being nice and snuggly this evening--a product of the contraband catnip we found he had torn open while we were away??
5. Sleeping in my own bed, on my own sheets tonight.
6. Remembering the beauty of the pre-game show on Saturday (I hope to get to it tomorrow).
7. The beautiful memorial for the victims of 4/16.
8. Tech students on scavenger hunts. :o)
9. Butterflies at the Cascades.
10. Raccoon prints at the Cascades!
11. The tiny little froggies sitting on our porch light this evening. :o)
Today's Milestones:
1. Leaving Blacksburg--it is never easy or fun for me. I'm so homesick...
2. Acknowledging my fear of familial blame for Hannah's death. Mom told me she had a relationship with Hannah she has never had with another human being and I feel so guilty I was responsible for destroying that.
3. I'm tired of second guessing myself and playing the what-if game. It has GOT to stop! I can't play that game any more as it is unproductive and serves no purpose other than to make me feel even worse.
Even as a short recap this has taken over an hour to post. Man! I'm off to write lesson plans and wish all public school teachers the best first day of school EVER!!!! My thoughts and prayers are with you all tomorrow! :o)
33 comments:
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I am both nervous and a little excited about the first day of school tomorrow.
I thought a lot about you this weekend and was excited to see that the Hokies won! :)
I am glad you had a good weekend. I am praying for you with the whatifs and guilt.
I'm so glad that your weekend went well! It sounds like you had highs and lows, but overall it was a great weekend.
You cannot blame yourself for Hannah. You just can't. It isn't fair to you, to Hannah, to Lily, to Brien....to ANYONE! What happened was an accident. A tragic, horrible accident, but an accident none the less.
On a different topic, my parent's dog...the dog that I grew up with, passed away this weekend. Buddy was such a great dog and brought so much joy to my entire family for over fifteen years. The reason I bring this up is how my sweet Goosey has handled Buddy's death...her first experience with someone she loves dying. At first she was sad & cried, but since then she's been so happy for Buddy. She keeps talking about how he's swimming in Heaven and playing catch with God & Jesus. This morning she was telling me how she's been looking up at the sky talking to Buddy and how Buddy told her that every day in Heaven is like your birthday. Sometimes I really think little ones have a way of seeing things that us adults can't. When she told me about Heaven being like birthdays I immediatly thought of Hannah & what a good time she must be having up there! I hope she gets a chance to play fetch with Buddy!
Have a great week, Rachael! You're in my prayers!
I have only recently learned of your blog. I have never read one before and found out about it through another site I was recently viewing.
My heart breaks for you. Five years ago, I lost our 3rd child, Celeste, who was stillborn. And this past April, we came very close to losing another daughter, Caroline, to a drowning. (My emotions are so mixed in telling you this because my daughter did survive, but..)
I can relate to a lot of the feelings you have because of losing Celeste. And then I can relate to some of the feelings you have over your daughter's accident....guilt, replaying the day, etc. I will never pretend I know exactly how you feel. No one can and certainly not me.
I think you are such a wonderful person and mother. God will give you untold graces because of this. I believe He knew this would happen and put people in your life from "Day One" to help you during these most trying times. It could be what someone taught you or told you as a little girl or it could be what someone did or said recently. I have witnessed this over and over in my own circumstances.
Just remember God is always there waiting for you. If you ask for comfort, He will give it. Sometimes I would ask Him to take the pain away and He would... and then I would ask for it back and He would. Whatever I needed.
I pray your days get better at the pace you need. I pray you get to a place down the road where you are at peace with how you honor Hannah yet still live and enjoy life. And I pray that your guilt is lifted and you believe with every cell in your body that you did nothing wrong.
Your family will always be in my prayers.
I can really feel your pain tonight. Your mom was blessed and lucky to have the relationship she did with your daughter..."it's better to have loved and lost..." She thanks YOU for that, I'm sure. After all, you are Hannah's mom - our children reflect so much of ourselves. You realized how you and Brien taught Hannah to be sparkly!! Hang tough, take solace that ALL of us moms blame ourselves for something in ALL of our kids' lives....whether they survive our mistakes or not; there's plenty we would do or have done differently, "if only..." I hope thia helps.
Hey Rach! Sorry I haven't commented in a while, I've been here though! Of course you all are still in my thoughts everyday but you know that! I'm glad school is going great and that you had a good time in Blacksburg. I saw a minute or two of the game and couldn't believe that sea of maroon and orange! You hokies are nuts! :) In a good way though. The cracker barrel story brought back a memory to me. Earlier this year I was there for breakfast and I saw this little monkey box that had a monkey necklace inside. I was going to ask you when Hannah's birthday was but when I went back the next weekend it was gone so I never asked :( I was so bummed because I immediately thought of it as a perfect gift for the diva. Just thought I'd share. She was indeed in my thoughts at random times in all the years since I've known you!
You are not responsible for your daughters death. You are NOT. I know you must feel intense guilt over her passing but accidents happen so fast and by the sounds of it you were there and aware of what was going on. What happened was an accident. Not your fault. How sad to think you in some way think you attributed to the loss of your sparkly and adorable daughter.
Hoping this sentiment goes away with time and introspection on your part. You just do not need the guilt right now :(
"I feel like it's all my fault and my heart aches that I have caused so many so much pain. I worry that my family secretly blames me for Hannah's death because deep down inside I think I still do."
Now that breaks my heart sweetie! I can't imagine anyone in your family blame you.
Hugs!
You have such a way with words.
I can see all of you in your vehicle traveling along the road, pointing out different things and singing songs at the top of your lungs with smiles on your faces.
I will be sending extra thoughts to you and your family tomorrow.
So glad you guys has a great weekend home.
Ella was in the bathtub tonight with Bob and I was in our laundry room (the master bath, closet and laundry room all sort of make a huge square but with walls and doorways so sound travels well) spraying stain remover on a blouse. Ella heard that spritz sound the bottle was making and starting shouting, "NOISE"!!!
It made me think of Hannah and her detangler also known as "zuit zuit" because of the noise it made as it sprayed out. It is funny the little things that happen to me daily that make me think of her - and they are usually random and quirky things.
I was organizing the DVDs today and I came across that large printed picture I have of Hannah when she was two in that pillowcase dress with the pigtails and her huge blue eyes. That has always been one of my favorite pictures and I have no idea why it was in that particular box but I was so happy to find it. I think I am going to have it framed so I can enjoy it every single day.
Love to you,
J
Dear Lord, I thank you for keeping your hand over this family's travels this weekend and through the pain of their new loss they still experienced beauty in the journey. I ask you to gently but firmly remove the burden of guilt Hannahs mom feels somehow she must carry. Please give her heart complete peace in knowing it was your will for Hannah at this time, and not anything she did that caused it. Only you can bring this peace to her, showing her she is not responsible for anyone's grief for this loss. Please free her from guilt and gently guide her through healing her heart a day at a time. Bless her to full measure as she remembers her daughter in love, and wrap your loving arms around her and never let go. Flood her with signs letting her know Hannah is happy with you, no more worries. I ask these things in your precious name Jesus.
Rachel, the burden of guilt is not yours to carry, not now and not ever. It would hurt Hannahs feelings big time to know you were taking blame. She knows why this tragedy happened now and I know she is at peace with the answer. I pray Gods peace all over you tonight.
~*~Love and Peace and Joy to you~*~
Laurel in California
You are NOT responsible. I know it is easier said (by others) than believed (by you) but as it has been pointed out before, it was simply her time. We may not ever know why so soon, but we do know that you valued each and every day of Hannah's life! Hugs to you!
Thanks for the well wishes! My stomach is in knots, as yours was before the kids arrived!
Lynn/PA
I'm glad that you were able to spend some time in Blacksburg and with family. Hugs!
Morning Rach- It sounds like you had a nice weekend. I am glad. I envy you the college spirit you have. My school was a small private one, so we don't have big games like that. It's one of the things about not living in Syracuse I do miss. Games at the Dome were always the best time.
Even though you are not to blame, you will continue to blame yourself for a long time. 20 years ago when my daughter was just 18 months old, she fell off a children's swing while I was right there. I blame myself to this day, for the brain damage it caused. Not because I wasn't watchful, I was, but because it happened so quickly. I do the Monday Morning quarterback thing and tell myself I should have caught her. I wasn't quick enough. But I also know that I couldn't catch her, or be there every time since when she has hurt herself. Knee injury from rollerblading, while playing kickball (like anyone couldn't see that coming), stepping on bees and glass, falling out of trees. No, wait, that was me, never mind. See, even my mom couldn't keep me 100% safe. Not unless you are the boy in the plastic bubble, and I wouldn't let that happen.
We let our kids play organized sports. What parent doesn't cringe when they get tackled or slide into home plate. But we know that we can't wrap them in cotton their whole lives, as much as we like. I know my step son is saying to himself right now that if he hadn't let his son play football he wouldn't be having knee surgery.
Life is a whole string of what if's and I shoulda's. It can drive you nuts or you can learn, be stronger, and move forward. I chose to do that. I am there to advocate for her, even now, at college, because she needs it. Whether or not she admits it.
Letting Lily's personality form itself will be so much fun. You and B not imposing Hannah's likes and dislikes on her is a very smart move. And one I think should be added to the milestone pile. It is a very hard thing to do.
You will be fine. You are strong and you are not to blame. Your family is not secretly blaming you. Nor are the people who care about you. You, and not just Hannah, have inspired all of us. Keep that in mind when you start to blame yourself. If it were me, I don't think I could be anywhere near as strong as you have been and continue to be.
xoxo
ev
I love taking the scenic route when we go places.
You cannot take blame for something you have no control over, God chose Han at that time. You are right that you have to stop.
I hope today goes easy on you and you are able to have some peace.
I bet Lily wanted to climb all the way to the top of that mountain. Sorry you forgot the backpack!
You don't know me, but I was introduced to your blog by my sister who is a teacher in Narrows, VA. I live in Peterstown, WV. I am so sorry for your loss! As I have been reading over the last few weeks, God has really impressed on my heart to write to you. I don't know if anything I say will help you, but I just know I needed to do this.
Please don't blame yourself for Hannah's death. As a parent, my two children are grown now, but I have four grandchildren, you can't be with your children every second. That is what makes them be independent human beings. I have struggled with the empty nest syndrome a little, but our jobs as parents are to raise our children to be strong, independent, hard working adults. Whether we are aware of it or not, that is what we are doing as they are growing up. And don't feel guilty for being glad that there are things that Hannah won't have to experience. This world is cruel, and that could be what was in God's plan. Maybe he knew there was something that was coming in her later years that He didn't want you and her to experience. For those people that have made nasty comments to you, SHAME ON THEM!!! I pray for their sakes they don't ever have to experience something like this. We never know how we will feel until we go through something like this. And God is there to help us all the way. God has a time for all of us to be with Him, and no matter what we think we could have done to stop this time, God is totally in control. For some reason, God thought it was more important for Hannah to be with Him now, rather than here. You and B may need to help another couple as they struggle with a similar incident. We never know what God may have in store. Just please keep relying on God to give you strength. He is always there for us, and wants to carry our burdens for us. I am just so glad to see that you haven't done what so many tend to do and that is to blame God and then hate God for this. Please don't blame yourself. You have beautiful Lily that you need to tell Hannah stories to, and teach her to be her own person just the way you did Hannah.
The next time we hike the Cascades, I will think of Hannah and your family and pray that things are going smoothly for you.
By what you say, she would want that for you.
God Bless you and your family!
Austie Miller
Hugs.
Way to make the connection that it was you and Brien that raised Hannah to see the Sparklies in life! So true. Good parenting is where it all begins - so much love you gave! I am so glad that you had a meaningful weekend in Blacksburg, and great family time. You have a fantastic list of milestones and sparklies! Have a great day back to work, making a difference in the lives of those fifth graders! :)
Sounds like y'all had a great weekend. Glad that you could go and visit Hannah. Prayers for you and your family from Texas!
Rach-
I wish I could make this easier for you somehow. I know that isn't possible. Just know that we are still here for you.
I'm glad you had a nice return to the VT Mecca and I'm so jealous you went to Mike's. :) I haven't been there in YEARS! I've really got to find time to go back.
Thinking of you today!
Jess
I'm so sorry you are stuck in the "what if" game.
We lost our baby in July when I was pregnant. I play the "what if" game a lot. It's a mean mind game that I sometimes seem to get stuck in....
As far as the familial blame....
My nephew died when he was 2 (2 years, 2 months, & 4 days old to be exact...) It happened during naptime when his brother, mother, & father were all sleeping. As my sister's sister....initially---for just a split second before you know the details, but hear of the death, you want to blame someone so badly. You want to blame a HUMAN so badly because you don't want to "blame" God.
Now, it will be 2 years since his death on 9/6.
I look at the situation differently.
My God, I see the heartache that my sister & her husband have gone through. Nothing can be gained from blaming them. They did not intentionally cause his death, & I'm sure that they've 2nd guessed every single move that they made that day.
Riley climbed out his window during naptime & played in the car in the driveway. He got himself locked in, and died from the heat.
So, now---the way I look at things: the windows were locked, but they didn't have childproof locks on them (but, who would have EVER thought a 2 year old could open that window???), the car in the driveway was unlocked---but they lived in a nice neighborhood, and never let the kids play in the front yard unsupervised, so they never thought Riley would get in there. The day before they'd been to a pool party, so were all still kind of tired from the sun & all the fun from the long weekend. They all took a nap, and this tragic series of events took place while they were asleep.
To me...I look at all of those things that fell into place that contributed to Riley's death. Not one single detail by itself caused his death. It was the fact that ALL of them came together... there really are so many more little details...but none of them by themselves killed him.
So....I can blame various people for each of the tiny details....but what's the point?
We've all lost that little boy. We all loved him. And we all miss him terribly. And if any one of us could undo that whole day, we would. And if we got the opportunity to relive that day, but not change the outcome---we'd do that too just to get one more hug...one more big wet Riley kiss...one more glimpse of his little life.
I don't blame my sister. I don't blame my brother in law. I don't blame the school children who saw him crying in the car. I just miss him, and that feeling is so big, that there's no room for blame.
(((HUGS))) to you!!!
What a wonderful thought that you've shared, that Hannah now has the abundant, overwhelming love from many, many friends all over the world, who treasure her in their hearts. Life, it has a way of giving us what we most cherish. What a memorable trip this was for you and your family, Rach. I loved the lighted palm trees, so delightfully a Hannah theme.
Rach,
Wow, you did A LOT this past weekend!! I'll bet the time flew by. It sounds just splendid though.
The What If game does stink, I do it all the time, and when you put it in this type of situation, it makes it hard. You are just healing sweetie, so it is natural. Don't feel bad for thinking about it. Life if full of What Ifs!
How about them Hokies? I'll bet the place was full of emotion.
I love the Hannah story especially. The best songs are the ones that kids add thier own little funny words to. You can sing those forever and they will always be Hannah's songs (and yours). Something to cherish! :-))
Oh, honey, you were NOT RESPONSIBLE for destroying anyone's relationship with Hannah. In fact, you and B are the only reason anyone got to have any relationship wtih Hannah in the first place, and you are, indeed, the reason she was so sparkly, so special. So much of what she was, you taught her -- I can see that from here, from cyberspace, just from what you have posted on your blog. I don't know if it helps to have virtual strangers posting stuff like this to you, but yeah, you have to find a way to get through the guilt. I do understand, though, that it is one thing to KNOW you shouldn't feel guilty and another thing to make it go away.
I don't think there's any way for a mom of a dead child not to feel guilty about something, though -- no matter how it happens. We feel RESPONSIBLE for these little creatures we helped create. It's normal. I think it is probably natural for people to want or need to place blame, too, even when it is misplaced. I hope no one in your circle/family dumps it on you, in their own grief. I have been thinking about this a lot lately in response to the VTech massacre, too. Hindsight is always 20/20. Blame isn't going to bring anyone back. I'm not sure that firing anyone will actually ease anyone's pain or make anyone on campus feel safer, either. It's so difficult, though, not to place blame somewhere. So many things went wrong and failed to happen, absolutely, but I think that's just life. I'm not sure we ever really have that kind of control. I SO wish we did, although then the responsibility would be so enormous, I might just hide myself and the kids from the world. No more sparkly days if that happens; it would not be a life worth living if there was not some risk in it.
Hugs to you today, and every day.
I don't really know what to say, so I am just jumping in here. I have been following your blog for awhile, since I read about Hannah on another blog. My Mom was in a car accident when my sister was 4 years old. My Mom was driving and was six months pregnant with me, the sister just older than me died. My older (8 yr. old) sister survived. I have seen my parents go through a lot of pain since I was born shortly after the accident. I did not know my parents before the accident so I am sure it changed them more than I will ever know. My Mom always says you just get through it day by day and it never completely goes away but you start to see and remember things that make you smile and you always carry the child with you. She will always live in you. My parents were very careful to not expect us to be like my sister. They always spoke of her sweetness but they spoke of her stubborness, too. They did not make her out to be an angel and I am glad to see that you are not doing that with Lily. I just want you to know that my whole family is praying for you and I know that it is the hardest thing ever, but you are remembering and not repressing it and that is a very good thing. I believe that Hannah is smiling down on you.
Love and Prayers,
Julie
*Also, I wanted to tell you that my youngest baby girl is Lily. Another reason you stayed on my mind, I guess!
Glad to hear that you had a fun weekend!
Hannah really is everywhere!
After reading your Blog since your terrible loss I have decided that I want to add my own sparklies to my journal. I think it is so important to write down the gratitude moments and remember the little things that bring us joy.
So I thank you for sharing your sweet Hannah and her sparklies with me.
She shines through all of us!
J
I am soo glad you were able to get away for the weekend. Dont for one minutes blame yourself! Accidents happen. The old hateful devil is in this world and bad things happen! Hannah is in such an awesome place. If earth, with the devil in it,is this good, thinks of what heaven with only Jesus is all about. It has so many Cascades and Hannah is sitting there taking it all in waiting just for her family.
You know how teary grandma's can be. Mine can cry at the drop of a hat. Well me too! Its just a harder for them when they see you and they just let go and cry. Im sure Grandma is crying tear of sadness, but joyful that Hannah will be there when she arrives someday.
Love to you this week.
Ahh Blacksburg, I was thinking of you guys all weekend kinda wishing we could be there too. I love the idea of you all riding down the road singing, it makes me smile.
I don't think I can say anything about you blaming yourself (and how you should not) better than those who have written already. Just as you are glad that Hannah doesn't have to experience how hurtful people can be I wish I could take the burden you carry from your shoulders. I miss Hannah, just like everyone here, but I know that God has his reasons and they are not always obvious to us.
I hope your day went well and I'll talk to you soon.
Your reminiscences of Hannah are so precious and remember always, dear - that she would be the last to want you to feel that unfounded guilt that denies you the peace and comfort you deserve. Life must go forward. It is what she wants for you.
Hi Rachel,
I thought about you and your family a lot this weekend knowing you were in town. I told Jess that I was going to try to stop by your mom's to say hello, although I knew you were probably very busy with a list of plans for the weekend. I did stop by on Sunday around 6:00. Since no one was there I took a little jog on the Hethwood Trails. I think it sounds so nice walking to the Tech games via the trials and catching all the sights. At some point I hope to get to chat more about our fifth grade teaching experiences so far. Today I went on a really quick bike ride from Clay's house to and on Norris Run. I also have many fond memories from all the car rides on that road singing songs and playing car games. I just loved seeing the mountains of shale. Since I'm teaching the rock unit in science right now I think next time I will need to take my camera along and get some samples for class. It was a little unnerving riding by myself, I was wandering what your opinion was of the safety back there. I didn't see but one car the whole time, but in the back of my mind I'm always thinking are there any bears around!! What kind of wildlife do you remember encountering. I am off to cook and review lesson plans. Good to hear about your eventful weekend and time in Blacksburg.
Liz
Rachel,
I know this doesn't even compare to the feelings you are having, but about 2 years ago I had a situation in my life that I agonized over what I could have done differently to prevent the outcome. I went through months of guilt and blame and stomach problems and anxiety attacks and the list goes on. I finally had to stop blaming myself and just accept what happened. It took months to stop blaming myself and I still find myself thinking on that time and saying if only I had...
It is nothing compared to what you are going through, but I did want you to know that the sooner you can stop the what if's or at least lessen their frequency, the less your physical pain will be. After that, the more your spiritual "it happened for a reason" will come back and stay. I now know why it happened and even though I would not want that pain back (not as much as your pain), I am okay with what happened and I now understand why. In my case, it has made me a better person.
I hope this didn't confuse you too much and I am sending big hugs and lots of moments of clarity to you!
I also don't want you to think I have any idea of what you are going through, I am not trying to say that at all!
Rach, I've been away for two weeks visitng family and friends in CT and NJ. It is so hard for us to be so far away in VT, but at the same time we love Vermont and hate to leave it as I imagine we eventually will (to be closer to family!). Anyway, I have a lot of catching up to do on your blog... I love how you talk about Hannah being so full of love for every person and how it would hurt you so to see her hurt by unkind words or actions. I feel the same way about my 19 month old son, Drew. When he sees other kids he always wants to greet them with a hug (everyone is a friend), but he has actually been pushed away which hurts me so much to see. I wish Hannah and Drew could have played together. I bet even with their age difference they would have enjoyed each other's company.
On another note, I too am an elementary school teacher, but am taking this year off to spend with Drew. I worked half time last year, and the position wasn't going to continue this year. Although I was offered a full time position, I chose to stay home with Drew. Money is tighter, but I'm very glad for my decision.
Thank you so much for your thoughts and experiences. You really are a wonderful person who in no way should blame yourself for Hannah's accident. I'm sure it's hard...but keep on trying.
-Becca in VT
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