I'm very very tired this evening, emotionally and physically. Although I'm still in love with my job and although I'm still loving my students and co-workers, there is some stress right now and I need to find some way to shed it.
I've been reflecting and have determined there are two big areas of concern. The first is I'm a people pleaser. I want everyone to be happy. Discord and dissatisfaction leave me feeling as if I should do more, even if I can't, even if it isn't MY problem.
My second problem is I'm an emotional sponge. I soak up everybody's feelings and somehow wind up owning them. (I found it funny that Woli expressed this same sentiment this weekend--I could TOTALLY identify with her!) Why? Why do I need to take on other's unhappiness? I know there is nothing I can do to "fix" the current situation, and I have in fact been putting forth every ounce of energy I have.
At this point, I'm tired. I'm just tired. I'll have parent conferences all day Friday with my homeroom. And then, next week, I'll have all day conferences with the other homeroom. 46 conferences.
At least I have a trip to Blacksburg to look forward to. :o) Kick-off Saturday is 3:30 which will give us time to get in a hike before the game. Yay! I think we're going to go to the overlook, which will be nice. We have to find someone to babysit Lil for the ballgame, but otherwise, we're ready!
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Boy am I missing Hannah today. I'm having one of those days where everything reminds me of the Monkey. I was looking at our book fair list and there was Fancy Nancy and the Posh Puppy, not to mention a slew of other books Han would have loved.
"Planet Earth" is going to be rebroadcast on Discovery, and the last time I watched with with the Monk. "Ratatouille" is going to be released tomorrow. I had planned to take the Monk to see it sometime before she died. Once again, "tomorrow" got me. Tomorrow just didn't come. Please, folks, don't put off doing things with your kids if you can help it. Please. Enjoy them and play with them. Discipline them, of course, but take the time to be with them and enjoy their childhood. Before you know it, it will be gone.
We have been lighting a candle for Hannah every night. The candle once lived in her room so the fragrance really reminds me of her. The candle sits next to a photo of the Monkey and is lit in remembrance of her. It is her light shining still. However, candles don't last forever, and this one is no exception. We talked this evening about what we are going to do to replace it. We will be going out to find a special "Hannah" candle some time soon.
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Today's Sparklies:
1. You know, when you lose weight, you have an understanding of the amount lost, but not really how it looks. This morning, I pulled on a size 16 skirt that was WAY too tight last year. This morning, it was falling off me! I've lost another four pounds putting my total lost at 31 pounds! I'm floored I've lost this much, leaving me with only 38 to go. You know, that amount looked so daunting back in July. Now, it seems more manageable.
2. I survived my first parent/teacher conference. Whew.
3. Lil was such a happy girl today! :o)
4. I'm off carline for another month. YAY! I enjoy carline, I really do, but I'm happy to have a break for a while. You know what they say about too much of a good thing...
5. I wore my black boots for the first time today. Those were the boots the Monk put on to be "Puss in Boots" last year. Hee hee. :o)
6. We put our fuzzy blanket on the bed last night. There is something comforting in that extra weight and fuzziness as winter approaches.
7. I got my flu shot today--a sparkly because it will hopefully prevent me becoming ill.
Today's milestones:
1. The boots.
2. The flu shot. This reminded me of the Monkey because she was so very very terrified of needles and shots, yet we insisted she get a flu shot every year. I'll explain her terror one night when I'm not as tired and overwhelmed.
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I am in desperate need of sleep. My body has yet to adjust to the time change and stress can be exhausting. I therefore am off to bed early tonight. Sweet dreams to everyone. Good night! :o)
25 comments:
Sleep tight!
A good night's sleep always puts things in somewhat of a better light in the morning.
Best of luck to you in giving back the problems/stress to whom they belong! it's hard not to take that stuff on yourself but it feels so good when you don't allow it to happen or once you correct it when you have allowed it. Hang in there.
By the way - LOVE the stampin' stuff you did! WOW - all that time to stamp, stamp, stamp....I personally call my crafting time "My therapy!" Did a 6 hour crop with a friend the other night and it was GREAT!!!!
Glad you got to bed early tonight Rach..you needed it! I think I may be an emotional sponge too after reading your description. We have tender hearts - just the way that we were made, tho. I do hope that your parent teacher conferences go really well. At least you don't have to deal with people like the Pringles (Anne of Windy Poplars) ;) Hugs to you!
Oh, Rach. Good luck with all of those conferences. I'll be thinking of you! I used to breathe a sigh of relief when I finally finished report cards, but I also knew it was the beginning of a whole new can of worms: conferences! Hang in there, and before you know it it will be Winter Break!
I'm getting my flu shot at church this Sunday. I'll send a wink up to Hannah in honor of all those times that she was brave when she didn't even want to be...
Hugs to you, Brien, and Lil. Please know how dedicated you were to spending time with Hannah and how happy you made her life. You continue to bring joy to Lily and all those around you too!
Oh! And your Stamping Up cards look marvelous! I'm so glad that you gals had a blast together.
Love,
Kelly
I know it is not easy but try, try, try not to let other peoples problems or woes become your own. You have enough to deal with right now.
I so know what you mean though about being an emotional sponge but since I started telling myself to not let other peoples issues get to me I have felt a lot better. It is one thing to be compassionate and another to let yourself be dragged down by 'stuff' :(
Take care of you and yours and be good to yourself. Love the candle lighting for Hannah. Know you will find, and continue to find, the perfect candles to honor her with.
Congratulations on the weight loss! I am impressed! Keep up the good work!
~Lynn/PA
It is amazing how one hour can throw a person off so much, isn't it? I hope your week goes by quickly and you find yourself in the 'burg before you know it. hugs
Rach - I know EXACTLY what you mean... I am a people pleaser and I too soak up others emotions and problems. I have finally had to make myself not worry about so many things... but then I'm afraid I will lose my compassion... and I don't want that to happen either. :)
Remember - I'm thinking of you - thinking of Hannah... she will always be missed. I hope you have a "happier" day tomorrow.
Oh Rach, I wish I could take away your pain and sorrow.I am praying extra hard for you as you get ready to face the holidays. I know pain is pain no matter when it occurs, but for some reason the holidays are so much harder after the loss of a loved one. I am also a people pleaser.I wear myself out trying to help solve everyone else's problems. I will be praying for you in that area also.I just want you to know that your blog has blessed me more than you could ever know. I read your's 1ST every morning.Keep your chin up and your eyes on the "Son". God Bless you!
Sherri in TN
Congrats on the weight loss! That's terrific. :)
Rest, Rach, Rest. I hope Friday goes well for you.
Hugs,
Jess
You again have brought tears to my eyes. you have such a beautiful heart and the love for your children shines so brightly through your words. I just wanted to let you know I am still here, visiting everyday, sharing your pain and your triumphs, and entreating on yours and your family's behalf to our Heavenly Father. I know he's well pleased with how you handle yourself. You and your kindly shared words are an inspiration.
You need time to rest, things get so hectic this time of year. I hear a rumor that Ruhiyyih may visit with you and Miss Lil this weekend!!!
I love the candle you have for Hannah, it makes me smile to picture it.
I still think about you and Hannah and your whole family daily. My heart aches for your loss.
Another blog to visit and pray for.
http://zanquinn.blogspot.com/
i meant to include this in my comment
http://jodyferlaak.blogspot.com/
if you read today's entry, it may help you in some small way.
if i could hug away your heartache, i would.
rose
Sleep is one of the best ways to alleviate stress. That is if one can actually sleep.
BIG CONGRATS on the weight loss!! That's TERRIFIC!!
And your candle for Hannah is a lovely idea. What if you got a special candle stick holder that you replenished whenever the candle burned down to the quick? At Christmas time we have candles we light every Sun evening for our Advent service in the home. Each loved one who's crossed over has a special candle stick picked out specifically based on their personality and our memories of them. My girls love to light them. Maybe you could find a frog candlestick holder for the Monk.
Hugs, Mon
I have just finished the book Saving Graces by Elizabeth Edwards. It is a very powerful book,even though I haven't lost a child it really made want to appreciate my family and savor every moment and my life as well. I don't know if anyone has suggested this book to you but she really is open and honest about how she handled her grief after losing her son Wade.
I have just finished the book Saving Graces by Elizabeth Edwards. It is a very powerful book,even though I haven't lost a child it really made want to appreciate my family and savor every moment and my life as well. I don't know if anyone has suggested this book to you but she really is open and honest about how she handled her grief after losing her son Wade.
Rachael: Perhaps a great deal of your people pleasing and being an emotional sponge is called empathy/compassion. I think it's a very endearing quality that serves you & the ones around you very well in life. Unfortunately, there's usually a negative to most positives but I think these features are part of what makes you the very special person you are.
Think of the alternatives. I'm betting you'd like them even less.
Warm blessings from my home to yours.... Haylee
If everything was beige, we'd never see colors.
Rach -
Please do share your secret for losing 31 lbs....and a super CONGRATULATIONS for doing it! There's nothing better than putting on something that's been tight and having it fall off ... man that's an awesome feeling!
Good luck with your parent/teacher conferences. I'm on the other end tomorrow morning - attending one for my twins as the parent. I'm expecting good news so no worries there.
Keep up the good work with the weight loss, your awesome blog and finding your way through the grief.
HUGS to you Rach!
Being a teacher is a HARD job! You are wonderful! Hang in there! PRaying for you
I love how you light the candle in Hannah's room. What a poignant, beautiful tribute and consolation. You have the most incredibly beautiful spirit.
I know the parent-teacher conferences can be exhausting. For me, as a parent, I always thoroughly enjoyed them, always in awe that someone had taken a special interest in my child. I remember, one year, I couldn't attend one, and the teacher came to our home one morning before class, to fill me in on the details. There I was, still in my bathrobe, with morning coffee, and we visited, just as human beings who struggle in life - you see she too struggled. We chatted, hardly got around to 'test scores and the like'. She said, when leaving, that if she could visit her student's homes, like she'd just done, it would give her more insight and patience into the relationships she has with them. It was such a gift to be cared about in such a special way, and I still remember her to this day. Of course my BOYS always shirked academia, preferring to cater to their own interests, but I really was impacted by her behavior, by her commitment. Her visit really brought so much light and energy into 'this tired ole mom'.
I am the same way with others feelings. I take on way to much sometimes. Just step back and breathe and relax.
I am dreading getting a flu shot.
Im not sure if i have commented before but have been reading your blog for a while not and my heart breaks for your familes loss.
Lately i have been trying to follow your advice and not put activites off , not tell my girls no just becuase i think its silly . They spent the weekend running through leaves and getting so dirty then coming home and having water fights, i thank you and Hannah because if it was't for your words i would of automatically said no its to messy.
I am truly getting some wonderful parenting advice from your blog. I know I'm a good mom, I have read or read everything on parenting I can find. It seems as though following your advice first makes all the other pieces (discipline, meal time, reading, school work, etc.) just fall into place. Thank you.
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