It's Funny, Really

I'm amazed at the number of people commenting that Brien and I are so strong. We don't feel strong, we just feel like parents who are trying to come through the worst tragedy of our lives. We talk often and we realize we are going about it in a way that is far different from how others believe they would do it. The thing is, nobody knows what they would do until they find themselves in this situation, and I pray to God nobody reading this blog ever has to. We are attempting to live our lives in a such a way as to make Han proud of us and to share her legacy with as many people as we can. As I have said before, Hannah was such a vital, ALIVE little girl, we feel it would be a tragedy to live our lives otherwise. We go out every day determined to find the joy in life. Some days are definitely harder than others, but each day is a new opportunity to find the new sparklies in a day. :o) If this the definition of strong, I'm proud to exhibit it. :o) Thank you all for thinking so highly of me. :o) I'm sure your confidence in me bolsters me more than even I realize.

Today has been a very good day. I had lunch with Scottie, and the sweetie picked up a pizza for us. We had lunch and a lovely, soul stirring heart-to-heart in my classroom. I find it amazing I found someone who shares my spirituality and views of life and death right there in my new school. God puts people in our path for a reason, and I needed her. She comes every morning and gives me a morning hug and will be there with a smile when I need it. I'm so grateful for her and her support!

Our talk of course immediately turned to Hannah, and I even had the opportunity to share Hannah stories and photos with her--I went back into the archives from July and we relived the wonder that was the beginning of the month. As we were finishing up she asked me if I ever wondered if that vacation was so wonderful for a reason. My answer was, absolutely. I absolutely believe God played a part in making sure we had the best summer, a summer loaded with fun and wonderful memories, just as he made sure I had the best morning with Hannah the day she drowned. God knows and I just have to be open to how he is trying to work through me.

I have to confess something rather morbid, and I don't mean to come off as heartless, because God knows I would give just about anything to have my Monkey with me still. However, there are times I'm grateful for things she will never have to experience. For example, I'm grateful she isn't here to inadvertently tease her cousin because he is just starting Kindergarten and she would be in first grade, even though he's seven weeks older. These feelings leave me feeling guilty. On a more emotional front, I'm grateful Han will never have people teasing her because she can't dance. Hannah loved everybody, even those others might consider unlovable. She would have her heart broken so easily by an unkind word or deed and my heart would break for her.

Han championed everyone and had never met a stranger and I worried for her feelings all the time. I'm grateful she will never experience the pain of a broken heart. I'm grateful she will never have to suffer being teased and picked on in middle and high school because she was different. Do I know any of these things would have happened? No, but as a mom I always worried about it and I'm eased knowing she is in a place of such utter peace and contentment and JOY I can't help but rejoice for her. Is it selfish of me for me to have wanted to protect her from living and experiencing life? Absolutely. But, what parent doesn't want to keep all pain from their child?

Scottie and I also touched on my feelings of guilt and fear of being judged based on the decisions I made the morning Hannah died. My feelings of guilt have once again begun to abate. I once again accept Hannah's death was inevitable in that God had decided it was her time to shine. Once again I'm angry that I'm the person who had a child drown and yet I'm the person who was being judged. There were other children in that water that day, other children who weren't even being supervised by their parents. Because my child was the one who died, I'm the one who was judged and that is SO unfair. People have to have a reason for something so tragic to happen, to believe something like that could never happen to their family because they wouldn't have taken that risk when ultimately, we all chose to ignore that sign that day.

People continue to visit that beach, in spite of Hannah's death, in spite of the posted sign. As I was mentioning these things to Scottie she once again pointed out that the majority of the local families have taken their children there and continue to do so. I'm reassured that I did nothing that any other local parent would have done and my guilt continues to abate a little more. Will I always second guess myself? Sure, but at the same time, God was ready for Hannah. Brien and I have talked about this and have determined that if Hannah hadn't drowned, God would have found another way for her to go.

Wow, this post is taking an unexpected turn. Ultimately, what I'm trying to say is I'm feeling good today. I don't feel guilty for feeling good because Hannah wouldn't want that. I'm also saying my guilt is abating and I find relief in that as well. I've been happy and it is wonderful feeling. I don't delude myself thinking this is it, I know, to paraphrase Karen, the "yo" will be down again. I've come to accept this is normal and a part of working through all this grief. There will be situations that surprise me, leaving me breathless and in tears and there will be moments I remember and celebrate the Monk and everything she stood for. I imagine this will forever be the story of my life. The book of Hannah may have closed, but the book of grief will forever be open.

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This photo is yet another sign from Hannah. I used to believe such things were coincidences but now I accept them for the signs they are. You see, that picture is from an email our wonderful friend Terry received from our local Humane Society. Heritage Humane Society had been building a new shelter and it has finally opened. Terry and her family made a donation to the shelter in memory of Hannah, a very fitting tribute to the animal loving Monk. There, in that box are two adorable little beagles, and there, on the box is a name that has significant meaning to our family. Hannah is EVERYWHERE, letting us know she is well and enjoying herself.

Isn't that what parents want for their children? The best? Hannah certainly has the BEST now!! I would love to share it with her and am so devastated she isn't here to share all the little delights with me, but I know she is having the time of her life!

Today's Hannah story:

Miss Precocious had such a vocabulary and Brien and I were always stunned by the things that would pop out of her little mouth. She was never vulgar, never saying obscene words, it was more we couldn't believe she was using the adult words she was using.

We not only admonished Hannah to "behave" to which she would respond, "I am being haive!" we also would remind her of the importance of being careful. When she was about two and a half, we would say, "Hannah, be careful!" Her response? "I'm carefulling, Mommy, I'm carefulling!!" This was often said on a long-suffering sigh of exasperation. :o)

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Today's Sparklies:

1. I wore my "Hannah" outfit today. I call it this because it was the last outfit I purchased with Han. The outfit apparently looks quite nice on me because I received a slew of complements!
2. A girl in one of my classes was wearing a very fancy bracelet and I complemented her on it. Shew as thrilled and it was a bracelet Han would have adored. :o)
3. My lunch with Scottie.
4. Lily looking out the window on the way home saying, "Mommy, a BUS!" when she saw a school bus in the high school parking lot.
5. Thursday night football is back!!!!!!
6. Dinner with Nana and Pop. I truly believe one day Pop and I will manage to get different entrees from one another. :oP
7. Lily flirting with the booth behind us at dinner. She grinned at them and sucked 'em in. :o)
8. Feeling happy and free today--I had forgotten what it felt like to be grief-free, even if only for a little while.

Today's Milestones:

1. Our first trip out to Ruby Tuesday's without Monkey. Dinners without Han are still different, but I'm no longer as deeply sad as I was initially. I can sit and listen and hear echoes of her laughter as she got tickled with something or I can see her drawing on her kids' menu. I miss her, but she's still there.


IMPORTANT NOTICE!!
I will be leaving town tomorrow after work and the possibility of an internet connection is fairly slim (meaning, the chances of finding an unsecure wireless connection to "borrow" are not good). We will be leaving before I have a chance to journal and although I will probably write tomorrow night, I'm not sure I'll be posting.

Saturday will find me preoccupied with Hokie Fever and our season opener. I'll be desperately trying to secure appropriate Hokie apparel for the coming football season, and then losing my voice shouting down the ECU fans. :o)

Sunday should find us visiting with Han at the Cascades and then visiting with Grandma and Bill. I'll also be visiting with my mom and then, we'll leave Monday morning.

So, what all this means is there probably won't be a new post up until Monday evening. I wish you all many sparklies and much happiness and time spent with family and friends this Labor Day weekend. Hugs to you all!! :o)

Frogs, Friends, and "Normal"

If you look very closely in the photo above, at the very bottom just left of center, you will see a strange green spot. That spot is the teeniest, tiniest frog I have seen in a long time. Sure, you can also see there are two new lily buds and the lily pads have taken over and Hannah would have loved it, but really, for me, this image is about that little froggy.

My friend Emily dropped by this evening, bringing the most delicious chicken tetrazini and broccoli casserole. We were visiting and catching up and she asked to see Hannah's pond (because, really, it is Han's pond). The evening was gorgeous and not too humid and we spent quite a bit of our visit outside, enjoying each other's company, watching the dragonflies chase each other and being entertained by Lily.

As we were standing at the fence, Emily began to question a spot she was seeing. Was it a leaf, some sort of birdie deposit? Brien checked into it and nope, it was:

Isn't he cute?? I don't profess to be a froggy expert (although, they have certainly become my favorite animal) but I think this tiny guy looks to be a baby green tree frog, like the others that have taken to visiting our house.


Isn't he wonderful? I could have watched this little guy as long as he sat there, but Lily called!



Look who is desperately trying to be a big girl, in spite of the fact the outfit she is wearing is 6-9 months...:oP

Lily loves to be outside as much as Hannah did and like her sister and her Mama, doesn't much care to wear shoes while out there. This evening was the first in a long time I was content to stay outside with Lil. The weather has continued to be hot, humid and nasty and I have no interest and staying out there with Lil while she plays. So, the poor baby winds up trapped inside.



How is it small children fail to notice the heat and oppressive humidity? Han would be fushia from the heat and still wouldn't want to come inside. How amazing children are in their ability to ignore physical discomforts in the face of having fun. My mind wanders to children wallowing in the sand at beaches, not caring an ounce for all the sand in their bathing suits. You rarely see adults playing with such abandon. Why is that? What makes us one day realize we are uncomfortable? Oh to have the wonder and abandon of small children!


This dragonfly spent time playing tag with another, alighting here and there but never staying in one place for too long. I felt privileged to get this photo as he was once again flitting off to chase his friend.



These two moved far more slowly and weren't as nervous to have me hovering over them. I never realized there were so many different varieties of dragonflies. Growing up in the mountains, I had no first hand knowledge of these insects. Sure, we had all sorts of flying insects to torment us, including those pests known as gnats (ugh!), but no dragonflies. I confess to being fascinated with them, as is Lil, and as was Han.

The weekend Brien and the Monk made the compost bin, she suddenly froze as still as a statue. Brien was unsure what was wrong, as Han so seldom stood still. She turned to B and said, "Shhhh, Daddy. Look!" and pointed at the dragonflies flitting about. She was enraptured and watched them play for lengthy minutes.

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As has become the norm for me, I had a more "normal" day--whatever that means. Normal is such a funny word. What I knew as normal no longer exists and I'm left to continually redefine what "normal" is.

I watched the kindergartners with joy and delight today as they tried to adjust to their new routine of going to school. Every day I say a prayer of thanks that I'm not teaching Kindergarten as I had wanted. Yet more evidence God had a purpose and a plan for me.

I intentionally looked for the little girls with the big hair bows so I could smile at my memories of Monkey Mine and her crazy bows. :o) Sure, I'm still sad when I see them as they remind me the Monk is not a physical presence in my life anymore, but, I'm grateful I have so many beautiful memories of her and the little reminders are there to let me know she is still with me.

I confess to being a little maudlin when I arrived at work this morning. I sat at my desk and had a few teary moments and then it was time to pull myself together for the kids. After those first few moments, and a hug from Scottie, I was on my way to yet another fantastic day!

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Today's Sparklies:

1. I wore my fabulous new sparkly blue necklace that Hannah loved.
2. The teeny tiny frog!
3. The dragon flies.
4. Lily and the big girl swing.
5. Emily bringing dinner on an evening when the cupboard was bare. How did she know?!? :oP
6. There is a bloom on the miniature gardenia--I just wish it weren't becoming wilty already.
7. I slept with Hannah's stuffed beanie monkey last night. I didn't mean to, but I awoke with it nestled against me, still in my hands. I slept quite peacefully last night and am contemplating another night with the monkey with the soft tail. :o) (Ah, there's tomorrow night's story, if i remember to tell it...)

Today's Milestones:

Nothing new today, so I guess today was "normal", which by definition means I had a milestone after all. :oP


To everyone who let me know from their comments how much they have been impacted and effected by Hannah, thank you. To those who find themselves doing sparkly things they may not have done before, congratulations--isn't it fun? To those who are reminded of Anne Shirley, well, Han's Daddy thought the same thing long ago and we agree with you entirely. :o) To those sending love, prayers and hugs, please know they are all appreciated. To those who have been able to use some of my fun teaching ideas, I'm so glad they worked for you!!

And, finally, to everyone, thank you for coming to visit every day. Your love and support continue to mean more to me than I can possibly express. By coming, you let me know Hannah's life did have meaning, that there is a purpose for her death. Thank you for sharing your lives with me as I am sharing mine with you. Isn't this blogosphere an amazing community?

I'm a Yo-Yo

It seems I have down days following up days. I had already begun to recognize the pattern, but hold out hope my days will be up and up and up. Alas, today was not an up day in the least.

Work is still wonderful, and I still love my colleagues and students. There are of course, one or two little stinkers in the students, but that's always the case. I'll take one or two over the eight I have had in the past any day of the week. My co-workers are all so very supportive and if I ever need hugs they're there. Everyone says hi and asks how I'm doing, and I don't feel this is something out of the ordinary. This bunch is truly caring and compassionate and they really do care about my well-being.

In spite of all this, I had many many sad moments today. It began with the fire drill we had this morning. As I was walking out, I spied a little girl with a short bob sporting a hair bow on the right side of her head, holding her hair out of her face. My heart caught in my throat and for a moment I couldn't breathe. I knew it wasn't Hannah, but it was such a forceful reminder of her it caught me off guard.

Then, as I was sitting with my students at lunch today (I visited with the girls), the kindergartners came in to dine. My heart simply ached as I watched the little ones eating and chatting and visiting with each other. I had to leave the room and went to my room to cry. Today was the first day I cried at work. I didn't cry for long, but my heart is so empty and shattered it was quite powerful. I find that if I have to keep it together for the kids, I do. It's as simple as that.

Every afternoon our students dismiss by what our school refers to as "car line". What this means is the children line either side of the hallway. They have been assigned a car line number and they wait for their number to be called. There is no talking so that everyone can hear their number. As this is a private school, there are no buses, only cars for drop-off and pick-up. I mention car line because it is yet another reminder of the Monk. You see, two years ago now, Hannah attended pre-school with her best friend Kathryn. They too were assigned a carpool number and had to have silent dismissal as they awaited Melanie's arrival to pick them up. As I patrol the lines, I think of Hannah waiting patiently (who am I kidding, impatiently) and excitedly for Melanie to arrive to pick her up.

I also have an opportunity to see the very young kiddos during car line. Most of my day is spent with the upper elementary and middle schoolers so I rarely see the little ones. I watch the babies and imagine their excitement in going home, ready to tell their moms and dads all about the wonder of their day. I look at them and imagine how tall Han was compared to them and remember how she would throw herself against me, wrapping her arms around me as she squeezed and looked up at me through her veil of hair and eyelashes. She would sort of scrunch up her nose as she looked up and told me, "I love you, Mommy!"

Boy, Hannah was the most demonstrative kid. She LOVED to cuddle, snuggle, hug, and kiss. Hannah was very sensory and adored touching things. If we were shopping, she would tuck her hands into her pockets, or put them behind her back because the soft looking fabrics would call to her and she would just have to touch them. The softer something was, the more Hannah loved it. I know we had overindulged Hannah to some degree, but she took such pleasure in such simple things, I wanted to FLOOD her with them. Hannah fell in love with one of our soft, fuzzy, polar fleece blankets and desperately wanted one of her own. Brien and I try very hard to avoid giving the girls toys for occasions other than birthdays or holidays, but I couldn't resist picking up a soft, fuzzy pink blanket for Hannah. You should have seen the look of sheer joy and delight on her face when she saw the blanket and realized it was for her! :o) Hannah ADORED the blanket and it went with her wherever she went to snuggle and cuddle. She would put on her pj's and drag her blanket downstairs to snuggle under. Or, she would bring it with her to our room in the mornings, ready to cuddle down with us. She felt the same about her blue "squishy" pillow and she and Lissie would get into mock skirmishes over ownership of the pillow. :o)

I miss so many things. I miss running my fingers through Han's hair as she rested her head in my lap. I miss the silly songs Hannah would sing and make up. I miss the terrible knock-knock jokes she would tell. I miss the made up languages the Monk would speak in the car, asking me to repeat the nonsense she was prattling. I miss our verbal "battles" of "I love you more. No, I love you more!". I miss the sound of her voice and her deep belly laugh. I miss my Monkey so very very desperately this evening.

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I have found solace in the comments that continue to be left. Comments from people telling me how Hannah has changed their lives for the better. Brien and I know God had a purpose for Hannah because there is no way He would take a child otherwise. Hannah had an important role to play and this comforts me. B and I aren't sure yet what her purpose is, but we're getting glimpses of the changes Hannah has helped make in so many people's lives and it helps ease our hearts.

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I'm worried we may wind up spoiling Lily terribly. Brien and I now realize how precious and fragile and fleeting life is, and I sometimes find it hard to deny Lily when she asks for something. I wonder how I would feel if something were to happen to Lily on the morrow. Would I be pleased I had denied her? So often while walking through Target or Office Depot I see items I know the Monk would have not only loved, but appreciated. She was so happy with such simple things. I clearly remember the day she and I went out and purchased items for her to "decorate" with me. "Decorating" was what she called scrapbooking or cropping. She loved to work at the table across from me and had just recently begun her own album using her own tape runner and everything.

Anyhow, knowing how much Han loved these things, why did I tell her no? Logically, I know it was because I didn't want her to always get everything she wanted, that she had to learn these life lessons, and we simply didn't have the money to purchase them. Additionally, it wasn't her birthday or a holiday and she didn't need these items. I guess I wish I had given them to her to give her more joy in her life. Hannah in raptures of joy was a sight to behold. :o)

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Today's Sparklies:

1. Our evening trip to PetSmart. Hannah adored the "Kitty Store" so much I can't help but smile when we enter the building and head straight for the reptiles. :o)
2. Two planning periods today instead of one!
3. The beautiful little girls in our building who wear ribbons and bows in their hair.
4. The crepe myrtle continues to be simply breathtaking as summer winds down.
5. Lissie is going to be in the 'burg this weekend as well!!!!!! :o) :o) :o)
6. Still another new outfit to wear today.
7. The kitty snuggling with me in bed at night.
8. Lily and her little imp of a self helping to carry bags to the car this evening. She is so anxious to be a big girl and helpful!

Today's Milestones:

1. The beautiful girls with their hair bows. I'll only be surprised by them once. Now, I know they're there.
2. My first cry at work. Not a fun one, that's for sure.

I notice my milestones seem to becoming fewer and fewer. I know we are in for a bunch come the first day of public school and Han's birthday ("Septembager" 21st for those who don't remember) and the holidays.

The other day I wrote about how I worry that my time with Hannah will soon be surpassed by my time without Hannah, but I recently had an epiphany of sorts. I may be moving further and further from my time with Han, but each day I'm moving one day closer to when I can be with her again. See, I told you I'm a Pollyanna. :oP I'll always try to find the silver lining...


This post took much longer than I had anticipated and now I've got to do some school work. I need to check homework, create Ruby Payne comprehension strategy cards and much much more. I'm tired just thinking about it...

Good night everyone! Sweet dreams and uninterrupted sleep to you all! :o)

Surprises

Fifth graders are so much fun! Who would have thunk it? :oP I know I've only been with these kiddos for three days, but I'm enjoying them very very much. :o) They are funny and witty and they get it when you are being facetious and funny. I was preparing to read one of my favorite picture books (I have a TON of favorites, just ask any of my students :oP) and set a purpose for their reading by asking them to identify the author's purpose and why they thought I read the book to them. They got it! I was floored--not that they got it, but that I could put forth the purpose and they could answer without any difficulties.

I take the time to sit with my students at lunch because you never know what you are going to learn from/about them. Today two different tables of students practically BEGGED me to sit with them. I was stunned. Who knew I was popular? Now if only I can be as popular with their parents... ;o)

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Brien, Lil and I will be heading to the 'burg this weekend for a little R & R. I'm feeling the need to visit Hannah at the Cascades and to reconnect with nature. Additionally, Saturday is the Hokies' season opener and ESPN Game Day will be in town. Nothing gets my blood pumping faster than Hokies football! I LOVE me some college ball and I'm pretty sure I bleed maroon and orange during the season. :oP I have found this love of all things Hokie is going to hold me in good stead with my new students. One of them has two Hokies for parents. He brought me a travel mug stuffed with maroon and orange M&Ms Friday. :o) Yay!

I look forward to having an opportunity to sit down with Grandma and talk. I am so devastated for her. I don't think anyone should have to lose a child and she lost not only her son, Johnny, but now Hannah. I know Grandma understands how I'm feeling and what I'm going through. I know everyone else is so sympathetic and wants to help and wants to understand, but in spite of all that, they just can't. And the thing is, I don't want anyone else to understand this pain and grief--I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Besides the fact Blacksburg is home and where my heart will always be, Blacksburg is the place I go to recharge. It is such a beautiful town, full of beautiful people, and I don't mean physically beautiful, although many are. Blacksburg townsfolk have beautiful souls. They are so kind and generous of spirit they are lovely to be around. Much like my new school family. They too are beautiful people and I've grown to love them so much.

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Today's Hannah story:

Hannah had an unhealthy preoccupation with scissors from a very young age. Although not very physically adept, Hannah learned to use scissors correctly by the time she was two. She would cut fringe around the edges of paper--all four edges--calling her creations "limps" (B and I are still trying to figure out why...). She would cut paper into tiny little pieces until the floor was littered with debris too little to pick up by hand, requiring a vacuum to clean it up. However, all of this would not warrant the Monk's scissor use as "unhealthy". No, the "unhealthy" came into play with Han's obsession with cutting her hair, or my make-up brushes, or the curtains in her bedroom. Oh, she would irritate the fire out of me when she decided to play beauty shop on herself.

Jessie had just given Han a "shortcut" hair cut and it was adorable. Hannah, being the sneaky little pete she was, disappeared upstairs. I was distracted and only noticed there was trouble when I realized it was FAR too quiet. FAR FAR too quiet. Oh, NO! What was Hannah up to now?!? I'm sure you can imagine my shock and dismay upon discovering Han had lopped off the hair at the sides of her head. Thankfully, I had pulled her hair back on top and when it was down, it covered the disaster that was Han's handiwork. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I didn't know what to do with Hannah! Arrrggghhhh!!

Ah, if only this had been our only incident. Although supervised after that, Monkey Mine still managed to find a way to be destructive. Locating a pair of suture scissors, Han cut three of my expensive make-up brushes to shreds. "But Mommy, I was cutting Ron's hair!" was the cry when she was confronted with a rather furious Mommy. Ron, for those of you who don't know, was one of Han's many imaginary friends.

You would think that by the time she reached five, almost six years of age, the Monk would have outgrown the need to cut her hair. Hah! She had just recently chopped off what she assumed was an unobtrusive chunk of hair. All was well until I discovered bits of hair lying in conspicuous places, and Han had a patch of hair that was REALLY short and stuck out when pulled back...Hm.

As much as I ADORED my Monk, I have no illusions about her. She was far from perfect, and there were days I could have gladly screamed my frustration with her. There are moments when I reflect and wonder why I got so upset with her over some things, why I didn't just let them go. And then, I realize, she needed to be disciplined, she needed to learn how to be a better person. I wasn't harming her and was instead working towards helping her grow and be responsible for herself and her actions.

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Today's Sparklies:

1. School and the warmth I feel when there.
2. The knowledge Hannah is safe and happy. Knowing Han is having the time of her life exploring every nook and cranny she can squeeze into.
3. Discovering I may in fact be a decent fifth grade teacher in spite of my newness to it.
4. We're going to Blacksburg!!! :o)


Today's Milestones:

1. Quia. This is a site used by many teachers to create their own web pages, including Han's teacher last year. She would post pictures of the children and the Monk delighted in looking at each photo with me, finding herself and identifying her classmates. I had Quia training today and couldn't help but think about Hannah.
2. Looking at a book order form. I saw SO many books I knew Hannah would LOVE and enjoy, as well as books left unread on her bookshelf such as "Charlotte's Web". Why did we put off reading it?!?
3. Our first family dinner cooked and eaten without the Monk's physical presence. The Bella Burgers were DIVINE! :o)


Once again I find myself exhausted. Huh. Imagine that. I'm doing well today and was only briefly sad for a few minutes this morning. I miss Hannah. I see her everywhere and only wish I could feel her physical presence, hugging and smooching her. :o)

I'm off to bed early this evening as I'm finding it rather difficult to keep my eyes open. I wonder what sparklies tomorrow will bring! :o)

The Weekend

Brien's Aunt Terri, Uncle Glen and cousin Karen came up Friday night, bringing dinner with them. Nana and Pop and their bad dogs joined us and we had a fantastic evening. Terri made an amazing lasagna, salad and garlic bread and Karen brought strawberry shortcake fixin's. Uncle Glen kept Holly carried and cornered all evening (thank you, Uncle Glen!) and we had wonderful camaraderie and family time. I think we have all figured out if we are going to do something as a family it needs to be done NOW, not later. How often did we all say, "Oh, we'll get together some time soon"? With Glen and Terri only about an hour away it now seems ridiculous we didn't make more of an effort sooner. But, again, there was always tomorrow. :sigh:

I enjoy being with Terri for many reasons, not the least of which she is a fellow educator. Now however, there is an even bigger connection--her sister died when she was 17 and Terri almost 21. Terri has grieved and watched her parents grieve the loss of her sister. This connects me to yet another person who has survived the loss of a child. This provides me with yet more hope you do get through the grief.

As Terri, Glen and Karen were leaving, the porch was inundated with tree frogs and toads. We have always had some froggies here or there, but not the little guys peeking in the sidelight. And, the toads were amazing. There was a small one, a medium one, and a HUGE one! We all had such fun searching out frogs and toads, hoping they wouldn't launch themselves off the walls onto us. :oP

Lily enjoying her "ago-gurt", finger painting with it on the table. Nice, huh?

Yesterday, we headed out to the Farmers' Market nice and early. In spite of this, the weather was still oppressively hot and humid, making it difficult to breathe. You broke out in a sweat if you were outside more than two minutes. Being the Pollyanna I am, I didn't let this deter me. We were on a mission for blueberries and sun gold tomatoes! We found success with the blueberries and I plan on purchasing quite a few pints next week for freezing.

We weren't as successful with the tomatoes, unfortunately. My favorite vendor, Blenheim, wasn't there this week. Boo hoo hoo. We purchased some other "toe-toes", as Ella calls them, but they weren't as sweet as the ones from Blenheim.

I also branched out this week, purchasing some goat milk soap and peanuts. I also got a lovely little cantaloupe for a dollar and some freshly made mozzarella cheese. The cheese was put to good use last night in a tomato, basil, mozzarella salad. Well, I also put in some hearts of palm and green onion. I had wanted to use some avocado as well, but there were none ripe.


I was so happy Nana and Pop were back in town. I get this restless, anxious feeling when everyone is not where they should be and I was SO relieved Nana and Pop returned. We had a lovely dinner with them last night, and were then joined by our friends, Troy and Kat. Yay! We LOVE company, and Troy and Kat are like family.

They came in, stayed the night and then played with us all day today. :o) We had such fun, talking about the serious and funny (you should hear some of our family names...), the mundane and exciting. I think this is the sign of true friends. You can talk about any and everything and it is okay--no judgments are made nor passed. We ended the day playing two games, Ruckus, and a dice game. I LOVE playing games and was stoked we had someone to play with! :o)


Lily also had a fun weekend. She is such a pistol! Her temper goes from zero to furious in 0.01 seconds! She is so desperate to be independent and strives so hard to do things by herself that she gets angry if you help her. We have a laundry "chute" in our closet and Lil LOVES to throw the laundry down the hole. She helped and got frustrated if I stepped in to throw something down. Once I had sorted the laundry, Lil was desperate to "help" me put it in the washer. Thank goodness for front loaders!

Hannah was just like Lil in her eagerness to be helpful. Hannah always wanted to please and I am sensing some of this attitude in Lily. Of course, Lily is still very young and we'll have to wait and see how her personality develops.

Lily has decided she adores showers and baths. I find it so odd she should go from terror of water to being a water dog within the space of a month. I'm almost convinced Hannah had a talk with her about water and how fun it is. :o)

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Yesterday was more difficult for me than today. The Farmers' Market was fun, seeing a couple of friends and walking around with Nana and Pop. Then, Nana and I had our nails done and went to New Town to do a little shopping. She needed some new body lotion and shower gel so we headed to Bath & Body Works. As we walked in, I was assaulted by memories of Hannah. I could hear her excitement and enthusiasm as we walked through the store, sniffing and smelling each fragrance as she tried to determine which she liked the best.

Han was so excited, she practically danced in place, wriggling like an excited puppy as each new fragrance was explored. We walked down the aisle, smelling each and every flavor. We walked back up the aisle, revisiting ones she thought she had liked the best. I had told Han we were only purchasing two things and they could be any two she wanted--bath/shower gel, lotion, body spray, etc.--but she needed to be careful to select the fragrance she wanted the most.

Then, I saw a display saying you could purchase four trial sized items for $12. I took Hannah to the bins and she delved in, selecting one shower gel, two lotions and one body spray, all in different flavors. I jokingly told her she was going to smell like a fruit salad. :o) She was so excited about her treat she had to call her Daddy on the way home to tell him all about her gifts. I can still hear the excited, giggly voice as she told him she would be a fruit salad.

Han was so proud and excited by these purchases she was desperate to take good care of them. She found special little bag to keep them in and used them SO sparingly. She really appreciated this little gift. Who knew something so little could mean so much?

This evening as I was getting Lily's towel out of her bathroom I saw the little bottle of bath gel sitting on the edge of the bathtub. How I have missed that this past month I don't know. I decided Lily and I were going to use it in our shower tonight so we could smell Hannah and celebrate her sparkliness. I am very tuned into smells (as I'm sure everyone has guessed) so using the Monk's bath gel was a little difficult at first. Now, I associate the smell with both Hannah and Lily and smell it and smile.

Today was interesting. It seems as if I almost felt indifferent to Hannah and her death. I don't know how to describe it. I missed her, I knew she was gone, and yet, I felt her all around me today. I went to sleep last night, having spoken to her, asking her to give Papa a big old monkey hug for me. Early this morning, I had the sensation of someone standing by the bed, their face next to mine, like Han used to do early in the morning ("But I waited until seven zero zero, just like you told me, Mommy!"). For one brief, exciting moment while I was still asleep, I thought, "Hannah!" Not Hannah, Holly. Holly was standing on the bed next to me, with her face in mine. This is not something she normally does so I can only assume the Shmunk put Holly up to it. How nice for Han to think of me.

My day began with Hannah, but I wasn't sad and still don't feel sad. I feel lonely; I miss her; but I don't feel sad today. It feels as if I'm acknowledging Hannah's death with some subconscious part of my brain so my conscious self doesn't have to, so that I won't feel the pain associated with this loss.

We've been inundated with thunderstorms this summer. It seems we've had more than our fair share of them, even before Hannah's death. She spent many evenings curled against my side snuggling down in her pink fuzzy blanket because she was too afraid to go to bed. Now, it's as if someone heard me talking about Monkey's Irish "thunder" dancing and I get a storm at least once a week to remind me of Han.

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Today's sparklies:

1. The toads serenading Lily to sleep outside her bedroom window.
2. Lil's independent spirit.
3. Lily's silly smile and wrinkly up nose. :o)
4. Thoughts of Paul maybe coming home for a visit. :oD
5. Smelling like Han after my shower.
6. The smell of Lil's neck after our shower, a combination of Lily and Hannah due to the bath gel.
7. Good friends who feel comfortable enough to call and just "drop-in".
8. Kat heading out to purchase breakfast while the rest of us slept!!
9. The Farmers' Market continues to be a source of such pleasure for us. I wish I had had my camera with me yesterday as we passed the dog wearing sunglasses. Yes, you read that right, sunglasses! I could hear Hannah laughing, tickled with the sight of that dog! :o)

Milestones:
1. B&BW
2. Using the Monk's bath gel; smelling her and yet, not having her physical presence.
3. Another weekend without the Monkey.


I'm off to type up some lesson plans. It's amazing how quickly I fall into the routine of the school year. Good night everyone! :o)

Hooray For Fifth Graders!

Today was unlike any first day of school I have ever experienced. The students were to arrive between 8:00 and 8:20 and were piling into my room by 7:50!!! I am unable to get to my room before 7:40 due to dropping Lil off at daycare. I therefore had 10 minutes to prepare myself before the hoards began to arrive. :oP

There was much chaos as children who had not seen one another all summer gathered in clusters chattered away. While I wanted to welcome and direct the children, I was instead distracted with their parents. On some occasions, I was able to greet the child first and then the adult, but overall, the children were so anxious to be with one another and giddy over discovering who was in their homeroom they were too busy for me. :o)

We finally escorted the last parent to the door by 8:15 and I faced a room full of eager, expectant, shiny faced munchkins. I almost froze on the spot and for a moment was uncertain how or where to begin. I have to say that in all my years teaching, that is the first time that has happened. I was overwhelmed by the sheer number of kids crammed into my tiny room! I took a deep breath and began as I mean to go.

As I had feared, I had the boys' names and faces memorized fairly quickly, but the girls (all 14 of 'em!) were not so lucky. I'm trying very hard, though! We had a morning meeting--the kiddos giggling through the greeting/handshaking--and then began our day. Time flew by as we took care of some administrative details and got to work making name tags and then copying homework. Yes, mean Mrs. D assigned homework the first night of school...;oP The children are to identify the country of origin of electronics equipment in their home and return tomorrow with the information. We are then going to use pushpins to mark those locations on a world map. We will repeat the exercise with clothing and toys next week, observing the patterns of globalization.

I had created a "scavenger hunt" for the kids to get to know each other, especially the new ones. They were to try to find a different person to fill in each square on their grid. Some example squares include, "Find someone who left the country this summer" and "find someone who has a birthday the same month as you". Oh, my, this activity was SUCH fun!! I too filled out a grid as I got to know bits and pieces about each child in my room. Before I knew it, the noise level was about to lift the roof off the room! Oops!

We had such fun today. Yes, everyone was absolutely right. Fifth graders are really nifty. They have senses of humor and they get your sense of humor. I have a feeling I'm a little less rigid than some of my colleagues when it comes to talking while working and such. I know many of these kiddos were seeing each other for the first time since last year so I gave them a little more talking time today. Tomorrow we begin to work in earnest as we finish writing our class rules and being to change classes.

I have to say I'm so excited to begin this year. The school is wonderful, my colleagues amazing and the children delightful. Yes, God has a plan and a reason for everything. I do know I'm going to work harder and longer this year than I have in MANY years as I learn and develop a new curriculum.

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One of my lessons today involved reading the story Miss Rumphius by Barbara Cooney. The story involves a young girl who has been admonished by her grandfather that she is to make the world more beautiful. As an adult Miss Rumphius lives an exciting life and then retires to a seaside town where she ponders her grandfather's admonition. She determines sowing lupine seeds and growing lupines will be her contribution to the world.

This is a fantastic story for many reasons. You can have a discussion about the definition of "world" and how it applies to the children as well as contributions we can make to make our world more beautiful.

As I was leading the discussion my thoughts turned to Han. In her young life, she made the world more beautiful in SO many ways. I'm so proud of all she accomplished, from picking up any litter she happened to see, to brightening the days of so many people. What an amazing Monkey she was.

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This evening has been difficult for me. I realized I have been putting off cooking because I have yet to cook without Hannah and her help. Brien and I have been avoiding "family dinner" because our definition of family has changed so drastically. Over dinner this evening Brien said, "Doing things without Hannah just sucks" and he is absolutely right. It sucks.

I found myself in Han's room while B was bathing Lily. Isn't it amazing how a little girl's room can so perfectly capture who she is? There was her backpack, still packed with road trip goodies from our July 4th jaunt to Blacksburg. And over there, there was a pile of dirty clothes that have yet to be washed. I buried my nose in the necks trying to find some hint of Han's scent in them. Under her desk were yet more "decorating" marks and there were sparklies and decorative touches everywhere.

Hannah's scent is slowly leaving the room. It doesn't smell nearly as strongly of her as it once had. I have cried and cried this evening as I ache with missing the Monk. I don't delude myself, Hannah was far from perfect. There were times when I could have cheerfully strangled her (such as the time she locked me out of the house), but there were also those quiet evening times when we would snuggle up and read together or I would tuck her into bed, tossing the covers over her and then yanking them down again as she gripped them tightly, giggling like a maniac as she "attempted" to keep me from succeeding.

My longing for Hannah is so strong this evening. I told Bri I wish I could feel my spiritual contentedness and not this pain that leaves me breathless. Why oh why is she gone? Why does it have to be so? I know God had a plan and a purpose, but tonight, my physical longing is outweighing my spiritual peace. I know part of it is because I have faced so many milestones this week and passed so many points of no return. I also know I'm utterly exhausted as I have not been to sleep before 11:30 any night this week, and Lil hasn't been sleeping well, ergo, I'm not sleeping well, which I'm sure is contributing to my mood. I hope I'll be able to sit and reflect and cry Saturday, as I know I'll feel so much better when I do.

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Today's Hannah Monkey story:

I don't know if this is so much a story as it is a remembrance of Han and her funny toddler's language. When she was about two and a half or three, one evening Hannah informed us she wanted "stead" for dinner. Stead? What's stead? Well, Brien and I figured out what she was saying and laughed and laughed. We really tried not to laugh in front of Han because she became easily embarrassed and then indignant. And really, who wouldn't?

Anyhow, Hannah had been offered two choices for most activities in her life and B and I had begun to say, "Hannah, would you like peanut butter or bologna instead?" Oooooh, "instead". Hah! I got it, I got it. :o)

Hannah being as verbal as she was, was equally extroverted. From the time she was 15 months old, she would chatter incessantly as we drove down the road. Initially, she would give a running commentary of any and all vehicles we passed, earning her the nickname of Howard Cosell of the car. :o)

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Today's Sparklies:

1. My new babies! They may be bigger than second graders, but they still crave the love and affection the second graders did.
2. My turtle hospital anklet. It is sparkly and beautiful. :o)
3. My new 600 thread count 100% cotton sheets. Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.

Today's milestones:

1. My first day of fifth grade, ever!
2. Lil's first bath alone since Hannah died. I opened Hannah's bathroom drawers and discovered her sparkly lip gloss we had purchased for her as a reward. I also found her other "lips" and her smell good after bath spray. All of these epitomize Han. I missed the sounds of the Monk's body squeaking and splashing in the tub and the sounds of her laughing and calling down the hall to us. Lily is in LOVE with bathing which makes my life so much easier, but it was very difficult to be in "Hannah's bathroom" in "Hannah's bathtub" with no Hannah.
3. Visiting Hannah's room this evening.


Tomorrow night Brien's Aunt Terri and Uncle Glen are coming to dinner. Specifically, they are bringing dinner for Brien and me and are visiting with us and Nana and Pop. I might be too busy to post tomorrow night and the same holds true for Friday. I don't want anyone to worry If I happen to skip two nights. If something bad happens, I'll hop on my journal and reflect, don't worry. :o)

Maybe I'll get to sleep before 10:00 tonight and maybe Lil will sleep through the night. Yay!!

Tomorrow...YIKES!!!

I thought I would post some pictures of my classroom as tomorrow is my first official day teaching my new kiddos. This picture was taken from my desk looking towards the back of the room. That bank of lockers is the sum total of storage in my room. I've arranged the room into five pods of five children to allow me to do some cool cooperative learning activities throughout the year.


Here we have "command central". My desk is hiding behind that filing cabinet and those bookshelves in front. I purchased two area rugs to warm the place up a bit. My next quest is curtains. Nana is an excellent seamstress, maybe I can bribe her to sew them for me...;o)


Here is a view looking towards the far corner of the room. You can see we are packed in like sardines. I have an aversion to desks lined up in rows, as I know I always learned and worked best when I had others to bounce ideas off.


Looking from the far corner to the door on the left. I still have a lot of blank space, but the children are going to help me fill it up. The area above the locker is going to be our birthday graph, a time-line, and our vocabulary wall where we post all the really cool words we find/discover.


Looking towards the front of the room from the back corner. I've done what I could to make the room warm and inviting. I'm contemplating a wreath on a hanger on the door. The stacks of books will be removed tomorrow and I look forward to having a more uncluttered feel to my room.

I'm very nervous and anxious in anticipation of tomorrow. I've met three of my boys (they don't know I'm their teacher, shhhh) and they are all so sweet I'm looking forward to having them in class. I can also say I have a number of employees' children. Again, I'm not worried about them as I've received nothing but support and love from these folks. I think my biggest worry and fear is having a class larger than 19 children. I had 19 last year and it was pretty tough so I'm definitely worried about 25!! Of course, Sister Rose spoke of a class of children she once had and there were 100 students in her class. 100!!!!!!!!!! WOW!

I'm also very anxious about the parents. I worry they are going to judge me based on the choices I made with my family and Hannah. I worry they are going to give me a hard time because they are going to figure out I actually have no idea what I'm doing with these fifth graders. I've got a plan in place, I just lack confidence in my abilities. I know tomorrow night I'll be writing something far different, but this evening, I'm tired and nervous.

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Once again morning was my worst time. I was fine while at home this morning and even on the way to Shari's and then on the way to school. My difficult moments began the minute the babies started walking into school. This morning saw the 1st-3rd graders arriving. The children were all so beautiful and everywhere I turned, I saw Hannah. She was in the cowlick of one little girl's hair. She was in another's sparkly barrettes holding her hair out of her face. She was in yet another's long, gangly legs. I managed to hold it together in front of the parents, but later lost it while in my room, especially when they were walking to the cafeteria, which is right by my room. At one such moment I happened to be on the phone with Mom who told me to go get a hug immediately. So, I did. I just had to choose which hug I wanted. :o) Some mornings I collect hugs like others collect autographs. I know I sound like a broken record, but I'm so BLESSED to be where I am!

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I'm ashamed to admit this, but I am now finding it difficult to look at photos of the Monk. I shy away from thoughts of looking at pictures of her and try not to look at the ones in the house. As I was downloading photos from my camera this evening I thought about looking at pictures from last August 23 and felt myself becoming anxious. Why would I be afraid to see my Han? I think I'm under so much stress from work right now I'm afraid if I see the photos I'll be so upset I'll cry and cry and cry--which I would--and I don't have time for that this evening. I'll save viewing my archives until tomorrow or this weekend when I can thoroughly indulge my need to sob. I have to come to terms with the fact Hannah is gone. She is gone and won't be coming back. I know this. I keep saying I know this. And yet, I wonder if I don't still harbor some thin sliver of hope that maybe she's not gone. I'm once again probing that raw wound to see if it hurts and am doing it quite tentatively.

Nana and Pop returned from the beach this afternoon and I confess to being very relieved. I wasn't worried something would happen to them, I felt out of sorts knowing they were so far away. I feel the same about Mom and Jessie and Paul as well. I want to have everyone close by so I can take care of them and they me.

It's not my story to tell, so I'm not going to go into too much detail, but Pop had a couple very sparkly, beautiful moments while gone. He discovered a perfect chambered nautilus as it was washed ashore at his feet with another perfect sea shell. How often are signs sent to us that we overlook because they are too simple? I'm grateful Hannah has taught me to slow down and look for these signs.

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Hannah story time!

I may have mentioned Han was quite precocious and verbal from a very young age. She was always saying things that made B and I laugh and laugh and laugh. One day, when she was not quite four, we were driving down the road and I pointed out a church on the left and said, "Hannah, that's the school you will be going to in September. Are you excited?" Her response? "I fink not!" in a very haughty voice. :o)

One of our all time favorite Hannah-isms, and there are SO many(!), involved our admonishing her to "behave" and make good choices. One day, one of us got frustrated with her and said, "Hannah, behave!" to which she replied, "I'm being haive!!" in a very indignant tone! :o) Hee hee hee!

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Today's Sparklies:
1. My fancy new anklet, a gift from Nana and Pop. Not only is it sparkly, it also reminds me of Hannah because she had an anklet that she LOVED to wear as a "nesslaus" (necklace). :o)
2. The beautiful ocean smoothed stones Pop brought for us.
3. The beautiful children who returned to school this morning. They were all so precious and gorgeous.
4. Mom and Dad (Nana and Pop) are back! Yay!
5. Hugs. Lots and lots of hugs. :o)
6. The sparkly stickers and nail stickers I purchased this evening because I KNOW Han would have loved them SO much.

Today's Milestones:
1. I made it through seeing all those beautiful 1st grade babies. The first time is always the most difficult as things get easier and easier the more I do them. And really, this one was HUGE for me. It was so big it overshadowed any other milestones I may have had.

I'm relieved today is over and anxious about tomorrow. I never thought I would say this, but I'm grateful I'm tired as it means I'll sleep tonight.

More Insights

Our little tree frog has come to visit again this evening.

I have discovered that mornings are my tough time of day. I was never home in the mornings with Hannah and I think now I regret that. She and Brien had so much time together last year and I'm a little jealous they had that closeness and I didn't. I didn't get to see Hannah until the afternoons when I would pick her up from Miss Ellen's house, and then, she would jet outside to play or upstairs to her room or into the dining room to play Littlest Pet Shop and I wouldn't get to see her.

I would finally see her when it was time to prepare dinner and she would come in the kitchen to help me and keep me company. She would set the table while I cooked and we would have family dinner. Then, we would have a little play time, bath and then bedtime routine. All told, I maybe had four hours to spend with Hannah on school days and I regret that. I know there is nothing I could have done differently, and yet, I still wish there was. I wish I could get back that time and spend it all with my Monkey. If only I had known those moments would be so fleeting...

Mornings are so hard. I wake up knowing Hannah isn't physically here. I prepare breakfast for only one child. I drop Lily off and talk to Hannah all the way to work. Yes, I'm crazy, I know. I tell her how much I miss her and how much I love her. I ask her if she's made any new friends and how much fun is she having. I tell her to give Papa a big Monkey hug from me. Some mornings I cry, others I just sit with that HUGE lump in my throat, tears clogging my vision. Still others I spend dry-eyed and shell-shocked. Grief is not a pretty thing.

Another green tree frog visiting and singing for us this evening.

Many people have been asking when school starts. I have a crazy schedule as I am now working in a private school. Tomorrow the 1-3 students report for half a day. Thursday will be my first day with students and don't think for a moment I'm not apprehensive! It's funny, I've been teaching for seven years and yet, I'm unsure of myself. Change is never easy, is it?

This morning was our school's retreat. We all met in the Upper School for our moment of motivation. We opened with a beautiful song about Mercy and Hope, followed by prayers. Margaret led the prayers, asking for peace for those who had lost loved ones, including many of our students who have lost parents, and me. It was a very difficult moment for many of us, and poor Margaret was fine until she got to Hannah and me. She almost lost it, and I did. I began to cry as did the ladies standing next to me and behind me. But, it was also a wonderful moment because I felt the warmth and love of my new school surrounding me. Anita, standing to my left, grabbed my left hand. Johna, standing to my right, grabbed my right hand. Mary Beth, standing between Johna and me, put her arm around me and rubbed my back. Scottie, standing behind me, reached forward and clasped my shoulder. We all wept and prayed together. I felt Mary Beth's tears hit my arm as they dripped off her face. None of us actually looked at each other, we didn't have to. We were united in love and support and I felt blessed.

Again I say I am where God wants me to be. I am where I need to be. This afternoon Sister Rose asked how Brien and I were doing and I took a moment to reflect. I'm pretty certain I'm still in a state of shock and I still fear the moment the shock wears off. I hurt so much right now I worry about the intensity of the pain I have yet to feel. I worry it will be overwhelming. I also told Sister that my faith has not been shaken by this, it has in fact been strengthened. I can't begin to know what purpose God had in choosing Hannah, but I know in my heart he chose her. I'm sure somebody, somewhere is to learn something from her and her life. Spiritually, Brien and I are content in the knowledge Hannah is in Heaven surrounded by love, light and joy. We know she is where she is supposed to be. Physically, we absolutely ACHE with longing to be with her. We miss her so desperately it is unbelievable.

As B and I were discussing this this evening, I said, "I would give anything to be able to hold Hannah again!" and I stopped myself. The truth is, I would give almost anything to be able to hold Hannah again. I wouldn't sacrifice Lily to be with Hannah, I just couldn't do it. Myself? Absolutely, as long as I got to hold her first, but never my Little Bit.

Can you see the toad? He was visiting as well and Han would have delighted in telling you all about his camouflage! Just ask Lissie. :o)

I find it strange to be living such a dichotomous existence. How can I feel so at peace spiritually yet so angst-filled physically and emotionally? I have never felt closer or more connected to God than I do right now. So many people are praying for my family, so many people are thinking about us and living richer, fuller lives due to Hannah's influence and again, I feel blessed.

Brien and I laugh because people keep telling us how "strong" we are. Living in our skin, we don't feel strong at all. We are just working through this grief and riding this ride the way we think is best. It is the best path for us to take and we're apparently on it for the long haul.

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I have some very tragic news to report this evening. Heaven has yet another beautiful little angel who also died in a tragic drowning. My friend, Aimee posted about a friend's little girl drowning in a horrible bath accident. Please, please, please send up prayers for sweet little Mallory, her mama, Emily, and the rest of her family. I know my heart simply breaks for this family, being far more familiar with this than I had ever hoped to be. Sister Rose said something very insightful today, she said imagine how much more compassionate I will be to those who experience familial deaths, to those who are ill. She's right. I've always been an incredibly empathetic person, and I was always saddened to hear of families who experienced a child's death. However, it is nothing compared to how I felt hearing of little Mallory and her family and another family earlier this month. I'm devastated for them and wish there were some way I could take all their pain and grief into me, that they never had to experience it. It's horrible. I take comfort in knowing Hannah has taken Mallory under wing (no pun intended!) and has shown her how to get into all sorts of mischief. Oh, the decorating the Decorating Diva can do now!

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I think I'm going to begin posting Hannah stories, and here's tonight's.

Hannah was always always a precocious child. She began speaking in complete sentences by the time she was 16 months old. She also spoke very clearly, in a voice much like Minnie Mouse had inhaled a helium balloon. :o) To see and hear such a tiny child speak so well was rather stunning to say the least. Even more amazing was Hannah's grasp of complex words. She could not only say them, she frequently knew what they meant. I'll never forget the evening Sarah and Erik taught Hannah about evaporation. She was almost three and we were sitting on the front porch of our Newport News house (as Hannah called it). We had watered the plants and Hannah always delighted in playing in the water, making hand and foot prints. I'm not certain which one of them taught her the word, but Hannah was fascinated when her prints would disappear and either Sarah or Erik said something about the water evaporating.

Hannah LOVED this new big word and couldn't wait to share it with Brien and me. She said, "Look, Mommy! It vaporated!!" I'm sure you can only imagine how stunned I was when she could then apply this principal to the water cycle that occurred in her bathroom when she took steamy baths. We actually had an entire conversation about "cottonsation" and "vaporation" and Han could then apply it to the dew on the grass and the water on the cars' windows in the morning. Hannah forever after had to point out all the "cottonsation" and "vaporation" she saw. :o)

As she began learning to spell her name, sometime between three and four, she was fascinated by the fact it was the same forwards and backwards. She would say, in a rather sing-song voice, "H-A-N N-A-H" and then giggle at how funny it was to have only three different letters in her name. Knowing my Monkey for the inquisitive little sponge she was, one of us (either B or I, but again, I can't remember) taught Han about palindromes. She was thrilled to learn her name wasn't the only word like that and was soon on a quest to discover more. What a knowledge hungry little Monk!

God sure did bless us with the six years she was ours! Every day I'm grateful I had that time. I wouldn't trade any of this pain and sorrow for anything, for that would mean I never had a chance to experience the wonder of the Divine Miss Hannah.

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Today's sparklies:
1. My school. The love and support is absolutely AMAZING!
2. Morning Retreat. Wow! I'm in a place filled with God's spirit and love and find such peace in that knowledge.
3. I wore my new, red sparkly top from Chico's today. New clothes just make you feel SO good, especially when you are complimented on them! :o)
4. Lily. She is such an imp! As soon as I got her in the car this afternoon she said, "Apaper, acolor, peese, Mommy? Peese??" The moment we got through the door, the child was rarin' and ready to go with the crayons and paper. :o)
5. The froggies and froggy songs this evening. I had a frog or toad serenading me as I snuggled with Lily before bed this evening. There was a definite "trill" to the sound and I was left wondering if Han was practicing her trilling again.
6. The knowledge Hannah is all around us. She is. She is in us. Thoughts of her dictate my actions and effect how I live my life. She is in the "funder" rolling through the clouds, the lilies in the pond, the froggies peaking in the windows at night.
7. All the people who come and comment every day saying, "I don't even know you, but..." The thing is, you do know me. I've put my heart and soul into this blog, and I honestly believe it is a reflection of who I am. And, through your comments, I'm getting to know you. Thank you for becoming my friends and for being brave enough to comment!

Today's Milestones:
1. Publicly acknowledging Hannah's death. Whew. That one was a dilly.
2. Having Lil in my classroom to tear around, but no Hannah to join her in the destruction.
3. Getting Lily out of the van this afternoon, ready to walk across the street to pick up Hannah from Ellen's house. Muscle memory is an amazing thing, isn't it?


Keep your fingers crossed Lil sleeps better tonight than last--she was up six, count 'em, SIX times last night! Coffee was my best friend this morning. ;oP

Tomorrow is my last day before the kiddies arrive. I've got to begin to look at the curriculum and pacing, and gee, whiz, planning for the first and second days of school! Ooops!!!

Sweet dreams, everyone. Please don't forget sweet Mallory and her mommy, Emily, tonight.

Please Keep Hands, Feet and All Objects in the Car...

...we are in for a bumpy ride. The roller coaster ride continues as this has been one Hell of a day. I'll get to that in a moment, but first I wanted to share some photos from this weekend.

Do you see the froggy? This one and another have taken up permanent residence in the pond now that they are safe from Holly's hunting antics. ;oP


Are you a locavore? Even the Farmers' Market is on board.


I took this photo while looking down DOG St towards campus. As you can see, booths and stalls line either side of the street. There are plants, herbs, flowers, fresh fruit and veggies, meats, eggs, honey, cheeses, soaps and more! It is truly amazing and so much fun to explore. There is no telling who or what you may see at the Farmers' Market!


Ah, this man was working on his Bonsai and small dish gardens.


Oh how I wish this picture and the next weren't fuzzy. I had to post them because this is the beautiful little girl who danced with such enthusiasm and abandon. She was so very precious and perfect.


Her movements reminded me so strongly of Hannah it was uncanny. She and Han would have danced together, uncaring of their audience, losing themselves in the moment.


We left the Farmers' Market and walked around Merchant's Square, exploring and discovering new stores and restaurants. One small shop had these beaded decorations hanging outside. I saw the "cuckoo-pelly" and had to have his picture. When Nana and Pop returned from a trip to Arizona a few years back, they brought me a necklace with this little guy on it. Hannah fell in love and "cuckoo-pelly" was born. :o)


Later Saturday evening, Lil explored the fountain at New Town. Please note she is attempting to stand on her tip toes in order to see everything a little easier.



Lily's new best friend. The last time I was in Old Navy, I was with both girls, purchasing the sparkly stripy bathing suit. Han sat on the bench with Lil who kept trying to climb on the doggy and was continually pushing the button next to the doggy, listening to him "speak". Poor Han, each time she would exclaim, "It wasn't me, Mommy! I promise!" Silly Monkey. :o)


And here are Lily's Fancy Hannah shoes. I would never have purchased such shoes for Hannah (as a toddler, anyway), being far too much a traditionalist when it comes to dressing my girls. I would have purchased a pair of white sneakers and been done with it. Now, I question why I was so set on not having such fun shoes. Hannah has taught me small battles over shoes are STUPID! The gray-ish parts to the shoes are actually VERY sparkly. :o)


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Of course, now that I have a moment to reflect, I'm ready to go to sleep. As always, please forgive any typos as I'm very VERY sleepy.

Today was a very difficult day for both Brien and I. As B put it, he was returning to the site of the worst moment/day of his life. I had a hard time because B returning to work seemed to drive home our life is moving forward without the Monk along. We are back into what could possibly be called our "normal" routine. It is going to be our new definition of normal and it is hard to believe Han is not here to move on with us.

This evening has been especially hard for me. We are back into our school year routines of dinner and bedtime and Hannah wasn't here to shunt off to brush her teeth (all the while humming, "Oh, I...Had a little chicken and she wouldn't lay an egg so I poured hot water up and down her leg..." to the tune of "Turkey in the Straw") and get her jams on, then racing down the hall as Lily called out, "Na-NUH, aNa-NUH!" summoning her sister to come and play with her and hug her goodnight.

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I'm utterly exhausted and can't believe school has only just started as I am pooped! I guess at this moment I'm too tired to feel much of anything.

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Today's Sparklies:
1. I wore one of Hannah's multitude of shiny butterfly clips today.
2. I also wore my "Hannah" bracelet.
3. Discovering more tadpoles in the pond!
4. Domino's "hamburger pizza, Mommy!" for dinner.
5. My new, sparkly orange bordette for the classroom.
6. Enjoying all the Crepe Myrtle as we drove around today.
7. Excellent friends, both old and new. My friend, Angie, came to check on me at school today, bringing with her her friend, Pat, and the most amazing smelling spinach lasagna. :o) My new friend, Scottie came along just as I needed her today. She is there to listen and to ask insightful questions that are neither intrusive nor insensitive. She seems to harbor the same spirituality and thoughts about Hannah's impact and importance as I do. In our more insightful moments, Brien and I are convinced Hannah was chosen for a reason, that there was a specific purpose in her death. God must have needed her for something and she had accomplished what she was sent here to do. And, a good as all this makes us feel spiritually, we still HURT and LONG for her to still be here with us.


Today's Milestones:
1. Brien returned to work today. I had not anticipated this event being as hard for me as it was.
As I have written before, milestones are incredibly difficult for a number of reasons. They typically involve us doing something Hannah loved to do and she is no longer with us, or they are some monumental task we need to do or overcome. But, as with all milestones, they take us that much further away from our life and days with Hannah. I dread the day our time without Hannah will be longer than our time with Han.

I'm trying not to, but am still nodding off as I type so I had better sign off. Maybe I'll tell the story of Hannah and the Palindromes tomorrow night. ;oP