Tired

I'm just tired. I've lost count of the number of hours I've done school work this weekend. There have been papers to grade, performance assessment tasks to write up and rubrics to generate. There have been plans to write and revise and yet more papers to grade. This combined with late nights and a mini monkey who refuses to sleep much past 6:30 these days has left me pooped.

As with stress, I'm sure the exhaustion helps bring the grief even closer to the forefront. Additionally, B and I have been following our nightly routine of putting Lily to bed and then going to our room to snuggle up with Han's stuffed monkey and her blue smooshie pillow and reading HP. Friday and Saturday nights we didn't do this. Both of us agreed breathed sighs of relief as we laid down, happy to be once again be with Hannah. We both felt we had been missing her in part because we hadn't done that the past two nights. Silly Mommy and Daddy!

I hope to go to bed earlier this evening and get some rest. And, I've been working hard to get ahead on my school work, so hopefully, that will also help alleviate some of my stress. These combined should help me better deal with my grief and send the anxiety packing. But, as Brien pointed out this evening, Han had six years to worm her way into our hearts so I am very cognizant of the fact this is going to be a long LONG road with many ups and downs of that yo-yo.

You know, it's funny. Depending on the circumstances, six years can seem like forever or they can seem like the blink of an eye. The first three months of the Monkey's life were an eternity. She cried incessantly and seemed so miserable. I could never set her down and she refused to take a pacifier. In desperation, we would allow her to suck on our index fingers which soothed her as nothing else could. So, we would hold her and allow her to suck our fingers and get nothing done because all we could do was hold her and allow her to suck our fingers.

But, then, time seemed to fly by. Han became such a happy, vibrant, inquisitive baby and toddler. Before I knew it, she was four and then five. Her first year of school flew by. I honestly couldn't believe the school year was over in June and that I would soon have a first grader on my hands!

Six years (if you count the time she lived in me, under my heart). Six beautiful, glorious, sparkly, torturous, agonizing years. As a parent, you only want the best for your children. You want them to be well-adjusted and you strive to raise them to be contributing members of society. The agonizing part of it all is you want to give your children everything their hearts desire and you desperately HATE to disappoint them. Hannah could give you such a soulful look, she always looked so crestfallen and I was left feeling like a heel more often than I can count. I so often just wished I could be her friend and not her parent. Being a friend would have been so much easier some days. Whomever said being a parent is the hardest job you will ever have certainly knew what they were talking about!

I had gone for such a long stretch of time without feeling this heaviness around my heart. I want to scream and shout "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!" As my mom has told me on so many occasions, life isn't fair, and I know that. But, it doesn't stop me from wanting to whine and cry about the injustice of it all. I accept Hannah is in such a wonderful place. I know she is having such a wonderful time playing with her new palette of decorating tools--flowers, rainbows, butterflies and stars--sharing the beauty with all of us. I'm even willing to accept that she's gone and won't be back. I think my biggest whine is that I'm left once again with this heaviness and aching emptiness and it just doesn't seem fair I should have to lose Hannah and have to deal with awfulness as well. I keep thinking I should just have one or the other. Unfortunately, they seem to go hand-in-hand and there is not a thing I can do about it.

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So, in spite of all my whining and complaining, this day still wasn't so bad.

Today's Sparklies:

1. I received the most lovely bouquet of flowers from Jessie's Moms' board friends. They are a lovely Autumn colored bouquet and have really come into their own these past few days. You know how flowers need to open? These guys have done so and are beautiful!
2. You should hear Lil speak! Sure, she's saying things only her Mommy and Daddy understand, but she chatters up a storm! This morning, she was looking out the window and said, quite clearly, "Mommy, see dee cars ou-side?" Yay!
3. Lissie was here this morning. It's so lovely to have her here with us, especially when she makes breakfast. ;oP
4. Nana and Pop came to lunch. More to the point, they brought lunch. :o) We had steaks and baked potatoes and it was a lovely meal with fantastic company.
5. I got ahead on my school work--YAY!! (well, except for the rest of those pesky papers to grade, etc.)
6. The weather has been beautiful the past two days and we've had the windows open to let the fresh air in. Han LOVED the fresh air and would often open her windows even when she wasn't supposed to. :oP
7. The two bouquets of flowers I got at the Farmers' Market are also blooming beautifully.
8. I've lost yet another pound. Yay! That's 24 pounds! Only a TON to go...;oP
9. I'm healthy, alive and living in a beautiful home. I have a husband who adores me who I adore and a most adorable imp of a daughter. I have wonderful and amazingly supportive friends and family. I'm blessed, truly blessed.

Today's Milestones:

1. We watched "Cars" for the first time without Hannah today. The day we purchased the movie we watched it three times in a row the Monk loved it so much! Tow-Mater was her most favorite character. The songs in the movie are so poignant and left me in tears. I hadn't thought watching a Disney movie would be so difficult.
2. With the yo on a major down, I'm doing all I can to hold it together these days. I'm still getting out of bed every morning, still getting dressed, still doing what needs to be done, putting one foot in front of the other. That in itself is an accomplishment.


Again, I've written what I have this evening as an honest reflection of how I'm feeling. I'm not trying to drum up sympathy, I just need love, prayers, support and hugs. I know everything I'm feeling is as it should be--you can't change the course of your grief, you just have to find the past path through it, the one that works for you. I'm also quite aware of the fact that Han's been gone for only a little over two months and that is, in the scheme of things, a very short time. But, again, it's one of those weird time things where those two months feel like a lifetime has passed.


I'm off to bed--early tonight.

No Words to Explain This

I was a little down yesterday and again this morning. Our trip to the Farmers' Market was successful with the purchase of sungold tomatoes, basil, a salsa kit, flowers and bison for burgers and chili. The weather was perfect with temps in the upper 60's to low 70's and low humidity. The music was soft and folk, often causing my mood to become even more maudlin.

Later, we drove to Short Pump to the Town Center to meet up with our dear friend Faye. I haven't seen Faye since my wedding in '99. Faye has been a part of my life as long as I can remember. She was a secretary at my school and a friend of Mom's. Her sister lived in Knoxville, as did my Auntie Susan so we would often ride together for visits. Faye moved to Midlothian about two years ago to be near her son and his family. Playing catch-up was so lovely!

Under it all though, I missed Monkey. I just miss her. During the ride to and from Richmond yesterday, I found myself reliving the moments leading up to Hannah's death. I kept hearing Sarah ask, "Where's Hannah?" I couldn't shake it, and even today I can't seem to. I have figured out there are two sides of my physical grief just as there seem to be two sides to my grief with the spiritual and physical. There is the side that can't forget the day of Hannah's death, and the side that just misses her. It's hard to explain.

You see, I have the moments of anxiety and sadness when remembering the day of Han's death. I don't think of that day as much as I first did, but it still lingers in the back of my mind. And, as it always has, it steals my peace and leaves me breathless and desperate.

The flip side of my grief is a great longing and sadness combined with missing Hannah. In these moments, I don't have the anxiety, I'm just sad with missing her. I have a niggling feeling at the back of my mind that it is going to get so much worse, that I'm forgetting something. I have flashes about how much worse it's going to be. I throw myself into my work and into my family so that I stay busy. If I stay busy, I don't have as much time to think. I'm working at living in the moment and appreciating all I see and experience, be it ugly or beautiful. Life is what it is.

I'm alive. To sit and give up, to not live as Han would, would be the greatest insult to her and her memory. Yet, there are days, such as today where I can't shake the sadness and longing. On days such as today I have no idea how I'm going to live the rest of my life without her. I am once again left wondering how such a bright light could be gone.

I find it so difficult to explain this. Once I again I'm left repeating myself. I know Han is gone. I know she's not coming home. I don't know how to write what is in my heart and head. There is this feeling she is with me and this sense that I will always know her and always miss her. There's this thought that I know I'm going to be okay but it's going to take time.

Today music has the power to reduce me to tears. I'm not sure if it is because we are watching "Cars" which Hannah loved, or if it's the music that is so soft and sad-ish. Part of me wants to just immerse myself in an activity so I don't have to feel this emptiness while the other part of me says I need to just let myself travel this road today. I want to wallow. I want to mourn. I want to sit and sob my heart out.

Last night I realized there have been no new photos of Hannah taken or posted for over two months. Lily is moving on, yet Han remains frozen on July 19th. It's not FAIR!! It's just not fair!!! I know life isn't fair, I accept life isn't fair, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to shout the house down about it.

I planned for over five hours yesterday and I have yet more work to do to be prepared for the next two weeks. I need to create two word sorts for blends, diagraphs and irregular double consonants. I need to create a test for the novel we just completed. I need to put together a project page and rubric for a Native American project. I've got to put my students into the First Math program. I've got a HUGE stack of papers to grade. There's so much to do and yet, the day is so beautiful I don't want to stay inside. Yet another example of the unfairness of life I guess.

Having written this, I'm feeling better. So often I just need to sit and reflect in order to put my life and my feelings into perspective. I'm once again going to try to remember to enjoy the things the Monk did and not be left sad because she's not here to enjoy them with me. I'll enjoy them for the both of us. :o)

And now, I'm off to curb Lil's Dibs eating habit (a nice healthful lunch :oP) and put her down for a nap. Then, maybe B and I could do something fun and not house cleaning/yard work/school work related. I'll post pictures and other goodies from this weekend this evening. :o)

The "Yo" Heads Back Up

I posted this picture this evening to show how versatile and fabulous the Mei Tai carrier is. Sure, it's not the most flattering picture of Mom and me, but it is a lovely tribute to the wonder of this baby carrier. We have a backpack we use for carrying Lil on hikes while she is happy and awake. However, the moment she becomes sleepy and grumpy (two of the seven dwarves...) into the Mei Tai she goes. In fact, she is still snoozing in this photo.

We were at the overlook where it was nice and breezy, Mom and I enjoying the view. Shortly after the photo was taken, Lil awoke, refreshed and ready to explore. What a fabulous time we had last weekend. I have wondered if part of my down "yo" this week has been due to post-holiday let-down. I was so up last week and so excited to be having such a grand time with Han and her birthday I think I was bound to come down.

On the bright side, my stress has leveled off and is even on a downward slide. Yay! I'm learning to try to let things go and not be so hard on myself. This is not an easy thing for me because I want everything to be perfect. I'm striving very hard to function well in spite of my grief and pain, and I'm working hard at my lesson planning and preparation. I don't want my work to suffer because of my personal life--it's not fair to the kids or me. If I feel like I've let down my students or my school I am very hard on myself and begin to feel guilty for not having done a better job.

Now, I'm working towards acknowledging that if I give something my best, I gave it my best. That's what I ask of my children and that should be the standard I hold myself accountable to as well. I don't think it is physically possible to give more than my best, is it? To that end, I'm going to start to let some of the stress go. I have to.


Since I'm letting stress go, I'm going to visit this happy place. :o) The beauty and serenity are so amazing. I miss it dreadfully, especially knowing they are experiencing fall-like weather and we are once again back into the 80's and 90's during the day and only down to the mid 70's at night. Where did Autumn go?

Tomorrow is supposed to be a lovely Autumn day and I look forward to our morning jaunt to the Farmers' Market. Lil always has such a fun time, and I enjoy the people watching as much as the food. :o)

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Today's Sparklies:

1.
Nana took these pictures on a path to work today. It seems this flower has managed to grow where one least expects it. Nana says it is a little gift Hannah has dropped for her to enjoy. I agree. :o)

2. I felt Hannah again today. It has been a long week without her and I'm so glad she came back to visit. :o)
3. Mom's here and in one piece! Yay!
4. Mom came bearing sparklies--you should see the fun new goodies she brought me from Chico's!
5. Tomorrow is a Hokie football day!!
6. The wonderful colleagues I have at my work. They are such an amazing group of people!


Today's Milestones:

1. We went to Maurizio's for the first time without the Monk. I remember how much she loved to eat there, wolfing down pasta and snarfing down garlic knots. We would look at her and say, "Boy, Han, I guess you really were hungry!"


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Today I once again felt relief from all the sorrow, pain and grief I have been experiencing this week. Thank goodness. My days weren't terribly awful, they were a low-grade all-day sort of sadness and pain. Today I once again felt "normal". I still HATE that our definition of normal is so changed. I miss the Monk so very horribly. But, feeling her with me helps ease that quite a bit.

I'm once again happy and confident spiritually speaking. I know Hannah is having such a magnificent time. I know she LOVES being the star of the show, and with so many loved ones surrounding her, I know she's the star. :o) She is in such an amazingly awesome place and I'm overjoyed for her. My physical aching isn't overwhelming my happiness for her this evening, which puts me in a joyful frame of mind. Yay!

May sparklies abound for everyone tomorrow!

Short and Sweet

I had had hopes of posting all the wonderful sparklies you guys sent from last Friday, but alas, Life interfered. You see, Lissie is coming for a visit tomorrow and the house was a disaster area. No one likes for their mom to see their house a wreck, especially when said mama is some kind of cleaning dervish who has a spotless house. I had a kitchen and bathroom to clean, laundry to wash, fold and put away and much much more.


As a result, no sparklies today. Shucks. I need them this evening.

I have found stress seems to exacerbate my grief. I'm able to maintain and manage, and even have some happy days when I'm not stressed. Then, *wham*, the stress hits and everything seems to fall apart.



I still LOVE my job. I adore my coworkers and the kids are fantastic. There have been a couple of speed bumps recently with my fifth grade co-teacher situation, but they are smoothing out. My students seem to love me, and I've been getting some nice thanks from a number of parents.
And yet, I find myself taking on so much stress. I need to find some way to just let it go. I try to remember to breathe and relax and sometimes it works.


I haven't felt the Monkey in a number of days now and I'm left feeling sad and lonely. This has definitely been a harder week than I would ever have anticipated and I'm still trying to figure out why.

I know I haven't been getting enough sleep. My body is exhausted, but my brain still won't turn off. I awaken each morning right before the alarm goes off and just lie there, wide awake and unhappy to be so. I've also been staying up later than I should, which doesn't help.


Okay, here's Lily doing "fumbs". For those of you who haven't yet heard this story, "thumbs" started with Paul. You see, he would do a little thumb's up as we were leaving the house and Han would "fumbs" back at him. She loved it and thought it was the BEST game. So, she started to do "fumbs" with everyone who left our house. I can say that Nana and Pop do thumbs all the time, as do we, and I'm pretty sure Sarah and Erik were doing thumbs there for a while.

Well, Lily, in a desperate effort to be like her sister began to do her own "fumbs" in May or June. She couldn't manage her thumbs so she did pointers. In fact, she still does those pointers, waving them frantically up and down while saying, "Fummmmmbs!" So cute!

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Today's Sparklies:

1. I found my new sparkly earrings and wore them today.
2. All my students seemed to understand what was going on with Mrs. S and were sympathetic.
3. I had such a fun Social Studies lesson today. We are beginning to study the First Americans and the kids need to know each of five tribes and how they adapted to their environment. So, in their Interactive Notebook, I had them write about what they would do if they were to suddenly find themselves in the Canadian Wilderness with only the clothes on their backs. They had to describe the shelter they would create, the tools they would make, and their food and shelter and why they built the items they built/created. The kids were SO excited and I loved to hear them aksing questions such as, "Is it all right if I write a story about what happened?" or, "May I draw a picture to go with this?" It was so fun!
4. A HUGE sparkly from last night. One of our neighbors (I'm assuming it was s neighbor) left a small VT wind suit on our front stoop for Lil! How amazing is that?!?


Today's Milestones:

1. I have figured out stress and anxiety worsen my grief and I need to do everything I can to avoid it! I'm going to work hard at it this weekend! :o)



Today was a definite roller coaster--I felt fine one minute and horrible and depressed the next. It really is a difficult path to travel.

I'm seriously nodding off as I type so I'm off to bed now. Have a super sparkly day tomorrow, everyone!

More Sparklies and Family Time

Last night, Pop sent me some photos of his sparklies from Friday. Sure, we were both hiking the same trail, but you don't always notice the same things. For example, while I did see this sign, I completely missed the little frogs on it.


A zoom of one of the froggies.


Ah, now I see what took the rest of them so long to reach the bottom of the trail--they stopped to play while Nana and I were hoofing it! :oP I have so many pictures of family and friends standing under this HUGE rock. I even have a couple of the Monkey. :o)


I don't know if you remember the orange fungi from last night, but here are the rest of its family. I still don't know how I managed to miss these guys--they're SO cool!


And, finally, our scuzzy family. You can see all my sparklies though. :oP This is how I typically look on the weekends. I am loathe to bother with hair and make-up and nice clothes on my down time. I guess I'm just lazy. Han loved for me to have my "crunchy" hair all curly and to wear make-up. She said it made me even "more beautiful!" She was always disappointed during the summer because I wouldn't do much with my appearance. Of course, with the Monk, everything was better when it was fancy and beautiful, hence her love of "Fancy Nancy".

I miss putting my make-up on while Han watched eagerly, hoping I would put a dab of sparklies on her eyes and/or cheeks. I miss her commentary on my appearance and asking why I chose one eyeliner and not another. I miss having her stand next to me, jabbering in my ear as I dried my hair, trying to hear everything she was saying.

Oh, but she was a funny little Monkey.



Here are some of the family photos from the beginning of August. I LOVE them and think Beth hit yet another home run with them. And yet, I can't help but be heavy hearted as I look and realize this is our "new" family. We three are it. How odd and sad to go from a family of four to only three.

I still cringe at my weight as I look at these photos. I know I am the only person who can do anything about my weight and appearance and I'm working on it. In fact, I think I look a little thinner in the picture from Friday than I do here in these. Only a little, but it's a start. You know, I'm always stunned Jessie and I have the same genetic material...:sigh:


I have mentioned how snuggle buggy Hannah was. She LOVED to shower us with affection and demonstrate just how much she loved us. One day, while watching "Between the Lions", she saw Theo and Cleo canoodling saying, "Ooo, ah, nosey nosey nosey" and she immediately did it to me. That was our end of her night night snuggle routine. She would call back, "oh, Mommy, wait!" Then she would lean forward and I would lean towards her and she would say, "Oooo, ah, nosey nosey nosey" while rubbing my nose with hers.

Both Brien and I loved it when she would do that and had begun to do it with Lily. She really gets a kick out of it and will "oooo ah" us and "nosey" us when she is feeling cuddly. Sweet girl.


Here we are walking down DOG street during the Tuesday evening Farmers' Market. Lil was such a doll baby that night. We had such a fun time together, walking around and exploring anything that caught our fancy.


Why is it whenever I look at photos of myself all I can see are the faults? I was such a skinny thing as a teenager. In college I was at the gym four nights a week--for FUN! I ran track in high school and played rugby in college. I was thin and in shape. How did I let this happen? I know part of it was the result of marriage. I had gained 20 pounds within our first year of marriage. Then, after Han was born I went on Depo Provera. Ladies, listen to me and listen well--DON'T DO IT!! I gained 35 pounds on Depo. True, I didn't exercise (I had plenty of excuses: I don't want to leave the house now that I've gotten home, I don't want to leave Han, It's too late to go out tonight...) but jeepers creepers!! Then, while pregnant with Lil I actually LOST 13 pounds (you start out heavy, sometimes that happens) but then stayed home for 14 weeks and ate whenever I felt like it, often snarfing down chocolate and ice cream because it just tasted SO good. Hello. I packed on 25 pounds! Stupid stupid stupid. Han used to talk about my big fat tummy and about how my panties weren't fitting right and all I could think was, "From the mouths of babes." She honestly wasn't trying to hurt my feelings, she was just observing me and being honest like we had taught her.

Well, no more. I KNOW I need to get my hiney on the elliptical (why is it SO easy to exercise when you feel good and know you are in good shape, but when you know you have been a slug and are going to DIE if you even attempt to move it is so awful to do and can't make yourself do it??) and move, for many reasons. But, ugh!

Okay, enough about me and my whiny-ness. Moving on...


Tell me, what's cuter than pudgy baby hands and cute baby feet? NOTHING!


We were so hot and parched that evening I ran in the B&N, found the "Starbucks" (I put that in quotes because did you know that Starbucks in B&N won't take Starbucks' gift cards and such? It's not a "real" Starbucks, it only sells Starbucks products...) and got a couple of cups of ice water. Lil LOVED having her own cup. And, quite frankly, once she backwashed in the cup, B and I weren't that interested in sharing with her anyway. :oP



Lil loves to show you the things she's holding. If she were doing this now, she would show you the straw and say, "A straw, Mommy? Oranch?" to which I would reply, "No, Lil, that's green."


This one just made me chuckle. :o)


Our family being cheesy. No shock there.


Lily will often wrap her arms around my legs, preventing me from moving. Typically this is done when she has no interest in walking and instead wants, "Acarry you?? PEESE!"


I managed to convince her to walk instead. ;o)


Us again. Here we are. You know, I look at all these and all I can think is, "Hannah's missing" and it is so painful. (In case you can't tell, today has been a difficult day and evening. It's been a while since I've had so many down "yo's" in one week.)


Ah, Miss Sunshine. :o) She was an absolute doll baby this evening with barely any crying/tantrum-ing. Ahhhh. I hate for her that she gets so frustrated and I so wish she were able to just talk to us to let us know what she needed. Of course, she can tell us "A-get down!" when she's in the grocery cart and we won't let her, but that's another story...


You know, I had fairly straight hair until Han was born, and then my hair became wavy. After Lil's birth, it became the curly mess it is today. Odd, no?


I can't remember what we were reaching for. I think Lil was looking for Hannah's star at this moment. I guess Han was with us after all. :o)

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True to form, my spiritual peace has taken a vacation and I'm left with a weight around my heart. I ached with missing the Monk this evening. We went out for dinner at California "Taquito" and sat in a booth instead of at a table. Lily is big enough now to sit in a booster at the table so we didn't need a table to make room for a high chair. There was a 9 month old baby in the booth behind me and she was a doll! She had SO much hair and I was immediately reminded of the Monkey and her babyhood. In fact, when the baby's mama said she was born with most of that hair, it took everything in me not to blurt out, "Oh, yeah, my first one had a head FULL of hair when she was born too!" I knew that would just lead to questions and awkwardness that I didn't wish to engage in.

Ukrop's was another difficult stop as Han memories assailed me constantly. And, while I normally welcome them and grin in delight, tonight I just wasn't as able to. Once again I'm left feeling this is so very FINAL (which of course, it is). Once I again I ask, how can this be possible? Once again, I'm left feeling anxious and slightly panicked. Oh how I HATE these days. I loathe them. On days like today I feel the anxiety and panic keep me from "feeling" Hannah with me, as I know she is.

I'm aware this is all normal and as it should be, yet it still leaves me feeling dreadful. I SO want to honor Hannah and her life and I work so hard to be what I know she would want us to be. I'm not frustrated with my feelings today, I just find it more difficult to find the sparklies when I'm feeling this blue.

Ah, a lovely "pity me" post. So sorry. I've included this as a reflection for me, not to draw any pity from you. Just keep praying and sending the hugs and good thoughts.

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Today's Sparklies:

1. Lily was such a darling today--this morning and this evening. She is also becoming more and more verbal which I find amazing.
2. You should see Lil sing the "Mi-yel mi-yel" song and the "Violin" song from "NO" by They Might Be Giants. It is so fabulous and wonderful. The baby has a great sense of timing and LOVES music! :o)
3. Lily is very good about keeping her hair doodles in, yay!
4. I was given some nice praise in recognition of a job well done this afternoon. We all crave those pats on the back, don't we?
5. B made it home on time today! :o)
6. I ran into a student and his family at CT this evening which is always a good time. I'm always left feeling like a celebrity because the kids are so shy and excited all at once. It's great! :o)
7. Looking at Lily interacting with that baby this evening was something else. I always think of her as being so young and little (and she is, compared to Hannah), but compared to that baby, she is such a big, independent girl. It really is all a matter of perspective, isn't it?

Today's Milestones:

1. That down "yo" is rough. Grief really does come in waves and once again I'm reminded of that transition period during labor. I was blessed with a working epidural with Lil, but with the Monk, I went through transition on Pitocin (oh, what a NASTY drug!!). I felt like I was on a beach and a HUGE wave would knock me over and tumble me around. Just as I was gaining my footing, although not quite steady and oriented yet, another HUGE wave would once again sweep my feet out from under me. Today my grief has been like that. Most days, it's a low throbbing, underlying presence. Then, on days like today, it comes roaring to the forefront demanding my attention.


Yesterday (or maybe the day before, I can't remember and am too lazy to go back and find out), I wrote that I can't feel Hannah and it makes me sad. This is still true, but, I have come up with an explanation. You see, when Han was alive, she would love love love to cuddle and snuggle and be with me. And the, she wanted to go off by herself and be quietly busy. She might look for me once in a while, just to blow a kiss or blow a raspberry, but she would quickly flit off again. Han was with us last week because it was time all about her and we needed her and she knew it. The past few days she's been busy visiting and playing and will come once in a while to give a quick hit of lovin' before dashing off again.

I accept I'm destined to have days like these for the rest of my life. I'm trying to move through these moments as gracefully as possible and look forward to once again feeling joy and lightness in my heart. For now, I know bed is my best remedy so I'm off.

Please know I was only trying to be reflective of my mood this evening and am in NO way trying to garner any sympathy or pity. Thank you all so much for your continued thoughts and prayers and for the kind words you leave for me letting me know you are there and praying for us, or for letting us know how Hannah has touched your lives.

Friday's Sparklies and a CRABBY Toddler

See this sweet little innocent face? You would never believe she could fall on the floor in a fit of pique and scream the house down, would you?


You see, as this photo illustrates, Lil is incredibly determined and gets very easily frustrated. So easily in fact she melts into a puddle of angst the moment something doesn't seem to go her way. I was on SightSpeed with Paul this afternoon, had her show him hair, at which point she became enraged because it was "Astuck!!" and she melted. A sobbing, weepy, crying mess. It's awful.

The worst for me is I can't help but compare her to the Monkey. You see, as I have mentioned, Han was verbal and conversant by the time she was 18 or 20 months. She was aware of what was being asked of her or said to her and could respond appropriately. Two was no problem with the Monk because she was able to communicate her needs, and really, besides being a bit (HAH!) of a Drama Queen, was a very laid back toddler.


And, as unfair as it is, the Mini Monk is compared to her big sister. (I have to add here that if Han were still alive, this would still be the case--you can't help but compare the unknown to what you already know.) I don't know if Lil is able to understand what I'm saying. Does she hear me and yet ignore me, or does she have no earthly idea what the heck I'm saying?

All I know for certain is the child becomes inconsolable fairly quickly. She gets so angry she throws items (not just tantrums) and herself on the floor. This in turn leads to conked noggins and even angrier Lillers. I try reasoning with her, calmly speaking quietly into her ear, explaining I can't understand what she is saying or what she wants when she is screaming like that. I know she understands that because when we tell her we can't understand her when she is whining, Lil will change her tone and ask nicely for an item. But, the question then becomes, is so just so angry she can't hear me, or is she ignoring me?


Part of me is desperate to console her and calm her down, while my more pragmatic side insists I don't want Lil to develop a brain pattern for screaming, crying and throwing a fit, and then getting whatever it is she wants. I hate this. I just hate it.


Lil can be the sweetest, snuggliest baby and then...the screamer appears. This is so different than anything I experienced with the Monkey. So different. I have no frame of reference for how to deal with it.

Yes, I know every child is different, but I seem to have had two extremes. When Hannah was disappointed as a young child/toddler, she would collapse into a heap on the floor, throw herself forward, burying her face in her arms, and LOUDLY sigh and wail. A real Drama Queen. At two, I knew she was destined for a life on daytime t.v.. I knew I shouldn't laugh at her, yet, it was so amusing to see such a dramatic response by a two year old I couldn't help myself. Of course, Han was also very easily embarrassed, so we had to be sure to hide our reactions from her. :o)


Don't get me wrong, I ADORE my Lil. She is my reason for getting out of bed every day. She is the reason I'm still here, striving to ride my roller coaster as gracefully as possible. She is a doll, even if she is a bit of a Jekell and Hyde baby.


Now, aren't these pictures stunning? Beth is absolutely AMAZING! If you are local and want incredible, candid photos taken, you really should check her out! :o)


I laughed so hard when I first saw this picture because it so completely epitomizes Ella. There's Lissie chasing Ella, and there's Lil, chasing Lissie. Hee hee! :o)


She looks so angelic here...where oh where did my sweet little baby go?? I will say this for her, I know she will never be pushed around because she won't tolerate it. She will fight tooth and nail for what she believes in. I don't have to worry about my tiny tot being bullied, that's for sure. ;oP


Ah, my two favorite people. :o)

I'm going to try and post family photos tomorrow.

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And now, some sparklies from Friday.


Stony Creek along the lower part of the trail.


A rocky hillside with a hint of sunny weather peaking through the leaves.


Lily standing on her rock. :grin:


The view from the second bridge looking down the gorge.


A set of small falls that I found beautiful.


Wildflowers still blooming, although most likely not much longer.


A first sign of Autumn. Maple trees are my favorite. I love their shape, I love their leaves, I love the colors they turn in the fall. Ahhhhhh.


A tiny fall peaking through some leaves.


A close-up view of the fall.


I just liked the composition here with the rhodies.


One of the last sets of stone stairs leading to the falls.


A few more wildflowers.


As many times as I have hiked this path, I have always missed this rocky outcropping. I didn't Friday! :o)


The sedimentary layering is so cool and every once in a while you will notice a nifty igneous intrusion. (Did I mention I was almost a geology major??)


I was desperately trying to get a photo of the golden leaves fluttering through the air. This was taken at the falls, looking up towards the upper observation deck.


I love Lil's happy face here!


A cute picture of Grandma and Bill.


Grandma and I were hiking buddies for the last bits of the trail up. I had climbed the side of the hill to take a photo and snapped this one of Grandma as well.



B and Lil looking out over the Cascades.


A VERY cool fungi. Thanks to Pop for bringing it to me to photograph. I'm afraid I missed a lot of the sparklies on the way down because I was busy staying upright with Lil snoozin' on my chest and not being able to see my feet...:oP

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Today's Sparklies:

1. I wore one of Han's sparkly bracelets to work. She had earned it while visiting Mom over Spring Break this year and I felt the need to wear it.
2. Lily snuggling with me once she calmed down. She sat so contentedly on my lap while trying to recover her sense of self.
3. I've lost two more pounds. How I've managed this with the way I ate this past weekend, I'll never know. :oP
4. The Sisters had a luncheon for us today in celebration of Mercy Day. All I could think was, shouldn't we be feeding them?
5. Paul--he took the time to answer questions my students compiled and winnowed down to five. And boy, some of them were doozies! Thank you, Paul! :o)
6. All the folks I'm still hearing from about their sparkly Friday! I'm going to post pictures Thursday night as a celebration for making it through another week. :o)
7. My delightful friend, Glenda, who's son shares a birthday with Han--day and year. She sent me such a wonderful email letting me know what she and her son were doing to celebrate and remember Hannah. She even tells him stories about a little monkey named Hannah at bedtime every night! I just want to weep it's so beautiful. :o) Thank you SO much, Glenda! :o)
8. My Marshall family who took a moment to remember the Monkey on her birthday on the morning news show (info from Glenda). Thank you guys!
9. B and I read our chapter of HP 1 again this evening. I had forgotten just how much I LOVED that first book. I mean, I've loved them all, but discovering HP for the first time was something never to be forgotten.

Today's Milestones:

1. I'm not sure. I think just putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward counts. I miss Hannah so SO horribly today. It seems so strange that I can be fine for days on end and then, suddenly, I'm not so fine at all. Once again I'm left breathless that she's gone.

2. I was looking at my leg today, and the scars I have from our moments in the water are almost healed. They are fading and before long, they'll be gone. How odd that these physical reminders of that horrible day will be gone LONG before my memories of it will be. If only the pain could fade as quickly. Again, I am reminded we hurt so deeply because we have been blessed to love so deeply. What a double edged sword love is.


Today was another down "yo". The "yo" swung up for such a long time last week I shouldn't be surprised the down is upon me. I figure with decent sleep tonight and a less stressful day tomorrow I should find the "yo" heading up once again.

Thank you bunches to all of you who come and check in daily. You really do boost my spirits and morale. You let me know Han has impacted your life and help me keep her close. May tomorrow bring you a day FILLED with sparklies! :o)