Sunday, March 30, 2008
It was almost 85 degrees Friday afternoon. It was beautiful and sunny and breezy and just plain ol' wonderful. This morning, it was sleeting and snowing. Seriously. See the snow up there?
Here's a close-up, you know, in case you didn't believe me. ;o)
It is so cold and grey and just yucky today. Mom left around 10:00, Lily is still feeling fairly bad, I don't feel so hot myself, and I miss Hannah something fierce today.
Yesterday, as Lissie and I were making cards, we decided to be goofy and tried to find a disco "station" on Pandora. Quite unexpectedly, "Dancing Queen" began playing. I'm okay with Han reminders when I'm expecting them, when I'm not, they are SO hard.
Yesterday evening, I downloaded Picasa once again. I had had Picasa when I used XP, but when I first got my Vista machine, it was incompatible. After my cousin informed me her photojournalist husband and his friends use it at home, I decided to download again. As Picasa is wont to do, it searched my entire computer for images and you wouldn't believe what turned up. Lil was looking at my computer and kept crying out, "Dere's Hannah!!!! Mommy, a-Hannah again? Peese?"
I began a Hannah movie and Lil loved it. :o) Unfortunately, it caught Mom completely unawares and as is the case with me when something catches me by surprise, it was very shocking. Lily wanted to keep watching the Hannah movies and I couldn't play them. The sound of the Monk's voice was so clear and the laughing joy in it so apparent it was hard to listen to. I wanted to, but didn't want to cause Mom any more distress.
As I was looking at the photos (I can do this again! Yay!!!!!) I was SO grateful I had taken movies and so many photos. Hearing the silly, laughing Monkey's voice again was so wonderful I can't even describe it. I watched her draw on the patio (she had made her Daddy mad about something and drew an apology), dance across the yard, throw a football to her Daddy. Those short little clips really captured the essence of who the Monkey was.
I can say with distance comes some peace. For now, anyway. I'm sure the yo is going to go down again--it always does. However, it stays down for shorter and shorter periods of time. Lily is a godsend. Initially, she was the reason I got out of bed in the morning. She was the reason I got out of the water instead of drowning myself with Hannah. She was the reason I smiled and laughed when I swore I would never smile or laugh again.
In spite of the pain, in spite of the loss, life is still good. Life is still worth living and enjoying. Hannah knew this and I find there are times I need to remind myself of her legacy:
1. Dress up just because it's fun.
2. Sparkly things really are more fun some times.
3. Sing and dance just because you can. Don't worry that you can't. Think of the lyrics to "Sing a Song" and belt one out! You'll feel better, even if only from laughing at yourself. :o)
4. You really can do things better with your toe nails polished.
5. Accessorize. ;oP
6. Go outside and embrace Mother Nature. She has put some AMAZING things out there, just waiting for you to discover them!
7. Where ever you go, put a little spring in your step. You will feel lighter and happier as a result.
8. Smile and laugh. A LOT! The more you smile, the better you feel. The same holds true with laughter.
9. A little drama goes a LONG way. Use sparingly. ;o)
10. LOVE with every fiber of your being. Don't be afraid of being hurt, just throw yourself out there! It will be returned to you ten fold. (Think of how many of you think of a little girl you were never privileged to meet and yet, has touched your hearts).
11. When in doubt, give someone a hug. They can use it, and so can you.
12. Think of others and do things to make them happy. Remember, 'tis better to give than to receive. :o)
13. Keep your eyes open and be aware of the wonder in the world around you. There are so many incredible things we miss, often because we don't pay attention to what is right in front of our noses.
Thank you, Monkey Mine, for reminding me of this.
(If you can think of any other lessons I've missed, please, let me know!)
1. Hannah! What a wonderful, amazing, SPECTACULAR little girl she was. Oh how blessed I was to have her with me for almost six years. What wonderful lessons she taught me by example. :o)
2. Oatmeal scones for breakfast two days in a row.
3. Delicious bruschetta for an appetizer last night. Brien found some tasty vine-ripened tomatoes, fresh mozzarella, and basil at the store. I chopped it all, added two cloves of garlic and a shallot and tossed it with evoo and basalmic vinegar. Soooooo good!
4. Lissie's visit! :o)
5. The snap bug I found in the house yesterday. They are so much fun to watch "snap" to turn themselves back over. I also discovered Lil is terrified of bugs during that same exploration. :oP
6. Clean sheets that were aired outside. I just wanted to bury my nose in them. :o)
7. Making cards with Lissie. We are so compatible when we do this. Check out the latest creations in the post below this one. :o)
8. Brien's photos of Lily.
9. Kat (or Troy) posted pictures of Baby Greyson on the blog. Hooray! :o)
I was able to look at photos of Hannah again. There was some pain, but mostly just wistfulness and some sadness. Like I wrote above, I'm SO grateful to have recorded these memories.