Jessie posted the most Fancy Hannah-rific shoes on her blog. The Monkey would have adored them! And, yet, I can tell you quite honestly, I NEVER would have purchased them for her. I would have insisted she have something far more practical as she gazed longingly at the beautiful sparkly slippers. I have such a horrible, crushing pain in my chest acknowledging this. Why would I not allow my child to have something so simple that would bring her such pleasure and joy?
I confess, I too have learned from losing my Monkey. Life is short. Sometimes, life is TOO short. We won't have an opportunity to go back and live it over again. The time we have is NOW! As such, if Lil likes the sparkly shoes, I go ahead and buy them. What does it hurt? I know there is a fine line between indulgence and spoiling a child, and I'm trying to tread it carefully. I certainly don't advocate giving a child every toy, gadget, piece of clothing, etc. they may want, but instances such as shoes, when you are going to buy them anyway, why not?
Maybe I'm just justifying spoiling Lily. Or, maybe I have learned a lesson about living life more fully. I don't know.
13 comments:
You know, it's quite funny. I was looking at the Garnet Hill catalog yesterday and when I saw those shoes I thought instantly of your daughter! I don't know you, but I love your blog and reading about your girl.
I think you've learned a lesson. But in reading your blog from before Hannah died, it seems to me you were pretty good at living a full life even then. Hannah had a good life, thanks to you. Lily can wear the shoes for both of them.
Speaking mom-to-mom, I would say that you are not "spoiling" Lily. I know that reading your blog has taught me that I need to choose my battles a little more wisely and I don't need to sweat the small stuff. (My oldest daughter gets a lot of joy out of a $10.00 pair of sparkly, impractical shoes, and that makes it worth every penny!)
Aww, Rach, someday I am going to show up in VA and give you a hug. I promise I'm not dangerous, lol! Two days running your blog has reduced me to tears and I haven't been able to post here.
Let me tell you something... umm, like you have a choice, right? I bought Sophie crazy sparkly shoes from Target, similar to the ones in Jessie's post, because I thought of you and Hannah. I thought, "THOSE are some DAMN FANCY shoes!" and they were on clearance, so... even though she didn't NEED them, she got them, because they were just the thing for a four year old princess in training. I could not resist... did not resist... because of you, and thinking about all the sparkly things you DID share with Hannah, and how life is short and there needs to be some sparkle in it. This was a few weeks ago.
For someone I have never "met" you are in my head a lot, and I really do think I was led to your blog because God wanted me to appreciate these days more fully. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the bustle and craziness of being a working mom... I've had a lot more tea parties this year thanks to you. I've spent more time with each of my kids individually. I've relished the green market even more, and appreciated the splurge that is the organic whole-grain bread from our local bakery so much more. These were so much a part of my "city identity" -- my life in NYC before I had kids and moved to WV -- but now I'm sharing these treasures with my kids and I'm more conscious about it. I think this is also due, in part, to your blog, and your attention to your family and how you write about your life.
Anyway, I appreciate you, and wanted you to know that. Sometimes I really ache for you, too, and get really angry with the universe on your behalf, because I can tell from your blog that you ALREADY knew most of these lessons about treasuring your kids. I'm sad that it was tragedy that brought me to you, so you could teach me these lessons, too.
I think you do Hannah proud every single day, I really do.
You know, I'm with you. After my dad died, I felt no qualms about giving my kids chocolate. He loved it. It brought him great joy, and I'm glad he had that during his short 54 years. So we let chocolate give us joy, too.
I can't wait to see pictures of Lily dancing in her new shoes.
Those shoes are amazing!!!!! I have just caught up on all your recent posts, Rach...and as always I have learned so much, from you, from Hannah, from Lily, from your life and family....thanks for just being you and sharing so much.
So many of us out here today are so different because of this blog...
Hugs girlfriend!!
Denying children things that aren't practical is aomething that all parents do. It's a must for the job or we would raise little monsters.
I certainly understand your feelings now, but you were doing what you felt was the right thing at the moment. That's all anyone can do.
The lesson you learned about life being too short has changed your perspective. You needn't feel a darn bit guilty about that. We learn as we go, whether it be from tragedy,joy or just a plain old lesson well learned.
You did a great job with Hannah, Rach. You really really did.
Linda
I just read a couple of posts back you were looking for a free photo editing program. Go to picasa.com and upload theirs. It does a pretty good job for basic stuff and hey it's free! One of my favorites is to click on effects and then glow. It makes the pictures so pretty. Also I love the soft focus. I hope this helps.
You are a sweet,sweet mommy. I think you have always made life wonderful for both of your girls. I am with you. Life is short. Let's make the most of it while we are here.
I have come across your blog through a friend of mine. I want to say first and foremost, my heart aches for you and your family has been in my thoughts and prayers since I have had the opportunity to read about your lives. I can not even begin to imagine what you have and are still going through, I can say that I am absolutely inspired by your positive attitude and finding the beauty in everything even when times are dark. I heard a song on the radio today, one I have heard many a times, and when I heard it, you came to mind, even though I have never met you or know you...the song was "Held" by Natalie Grant, and sitting there listening to it, tears came to my eyes for this family that I have never met, but felt tremendous emotions for. God Bless you and your family and you all will remain in my thoughts and daily prayers.
Leslie
Another great lesson but, as you said, a hard one to know where to draw the line. We struggle constantly between enough and too much for the girls. We want them to be happy and not feel deprived but still value what they have.
I lost my brother when I was 15, and I know it has shaped how I live. We live our lives "building memories". I'm not perfect, I yell when I shouldn't. I, too, would not have bought the sparkly shoes--too impractical. Yet, we do a lot of things we probably "shouldn't" do, because I want my kids to have wonderful memories. We've taken vacations, bought toys, things like that, but also, I've stayed home with my children, when we can't really afford for me to. That's been really, really important to me. But now, that my DD is 16 (aack!), and will be going to college in 2 years, and we have no way to pay for it, I'm really questioning whether or not we've made the right decisions. I keep trying to tell myself that I don't want to spend the next two years being crazy about something we can't realistically change at this point--if, God forbid, something happened, that's not the way I want my memories to be, but it still nags at me.
I think you seem like a wonderful Mom. I think you are doing an amazing job working through your grief. Don't beat yourself up about the things you would have changed from the past--you made the decisions you made, and I bet Hannah had a wonderful life. As for the present, I say go for what feels right--but then again, consider the source!
Rach,
The normal guilt we carry as mothers trying to be perfectionist..I can't imagine how intensified that is for you. Think about what an amazing little girl Hannah was, and know that your love and influence helped to shape her into that person. Your stories tell of how kind, caring, loving, and vibrant Hannah was...little girl mirror their mothers in many ways.
I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that Hannah has touched so many people..I know that your stories have influenced the way I handle things with Olivia.
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