Distracted

This post will most likely be a disjointed mess--I'm attempting to multi-task and not doing such a good job of it. You see, I'm watching my Hokies play basketball. I've always been a Hokies football fan. Seriously, for as long as I can remember, I've loved my boys on the gridiron. Basketball, however it new-ish to me.

Sure, I've been to Cassell and seen games (they would give away tickets to local schools to up attendance during the campus holidays). I remember a couple of NIT tourneys, but I've never been a huge b-ball fan. I guess I never understood the sport. Last year I began to watch every once in a while. This year, I'm IN, baby! I'm not quite sure what has changed, but there it is. As I listen to the crowd in Cassell, I have to chuckle. Hokies fans are Hokies fans no matter the sport, and it is LOUD in there. ;o) (As a quick aside, whenever architectural features were being taught in school, Cassell was always our example for flying buttresses. :oP)

I guess my problem with basketball has always been I don't know it. I don't know the rules, I don't recognize plays, there's so much I just don't understand. I don't like feeling stupid and I do when watching basketball. Then, I have to remember I didn't always know and understand football. I picked up the more subtle nuances of the game over the years I have spent watching. The same is going to apply here. The more I watch, the more I'm going to pick up, the more I'm going to understand. I can tell you I've already learned quite a bit from the few games I've watched this season. And, it would see this is the season to tune in and learn as the Hokies are playing very well! :o)

I HATE not understanding, but I'm getting there. I'm s-l-o-w-l-y getting there.

I suppose this is a sort of metaphor for my life now. Life prior losing Hannah is Hokies football. It is what I know and am comfortable with. Life now is basketball. I'm not comfortable, I don't understand, but I'm learning. It's a slow, often arduous process, but I'm getting there, I'm s-l-o-w-l-y getting there.

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Today's Sparklies:

1. A new sport to learn and love.
2. Today was Teacher Appreciation Day at school. I received the loveliest tulips, some chocolates, and a couple of lovely cards and messages. :o)
3. Watching the K-3 kiddos perform a dress rehearsal for the Grandparent's Tea tomorrow. They are so sweet and earnest. :o)
4. My sister. I'm so blessed our relationship has blossomed to the one we have today. Those of you with little girls who do nothing but fight, take heart, one day they'll be the other's best friend and confidant.
5. The Blackout effect in Cassell is pretty cool.


No milestones.

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I'll be off work tomorrow to attend Mary's funeral. Please continue to hold Sarah and her family in your prayers.

Sunny Surprises

Angie, Rocky and Olivia, thank you SOOOOOO much!! Look what was awaiting me on my front stoop this afternoon. Aren't they so sunny and delightful? They definitely lifted my mood on yet another grey and icky day.

And, they arrived in the cutest mug. :o) How could this fail to lift anyone's spirits? Again, I thank you. :o)

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After the excitement of last night, I slept like a log. All the adrenaline that had been coursing through my system exited and left me utterly drained. Looking back, I know I really overreacted. However, when I was in the moment, there was not a darn thing I could do to calm down. Brien should have been home hours ago and he wasn't. He should have called me and he hadn't. He wasn't answering his cell and he wasn't in his office. Therefore, something had happened. I was literally shaking with fear.

I have to say, coming so close (only in my mind, of course) to losing Brien, it really made me think about just how much I love him, how much I depend upon him, how much a part of my life he is. I sat there wondering what I was going to do. When he got home, I curled up against him and didn't want to move. I held on to him all night. I really didn't enjoy those two and a half hours last night, but they did do one thing for me, they helped me to once again prioritize what is important in my life. I sometimes lose sight of that. I might say, "Family is the most important thing" and I know I believe it, but I don't always live it. I panicked because I couldn't remember if I had even kissed him good-bye. How could that be? Once again, things will be changing for the better as I remember what is truly important in life.

So, overreaction or not, I learned something from it. That's something, right? ;o)

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Lil has been a bit of a pill this evening. Why is it, no matter how many times you ask/tell a child not to do something it doesn't seem to sink in? Lil has been told at least 50 times to not play with her milk/drink (she drinks from "big girl" cups so they are open) at the table. She did so this evening (of course) and spilled her milk all over the table, herself and the floor.

I remained calm and gently pointed out that was why we didn't want her playing with her drink. So, she does so again (of course) and spills again (of course). I began to lose patience at this point, but knew it was a lesson she needed to learn so I once again gently reminded her of why we don't play with our drinks.

We ate in peace for a while and Lil became tickled with the milk that had collected in her belly button. See:

(Cute tummy, huh? ;oP)

So, towards the end of the meal, Lily once again plays with her drink (of course) and spills it again (of course). At this point I was pretty much over cleaning up spilled milk (the dogs sure enjoyed it, though). I removed the Bit from the table and sent her upstairs with her Daddy so she could have a bath. Grrrrrrrrrr.

In spite of it all, I still didn't raise my voice or fuss. I'm quite proud of myself. :o)

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Today's Sparklies:

1. Once again remembering to truly appreciate those that are most important in my life.
2. Keeping my cool with Lil. Whew.
3. Friendly neighbors. :o)
4. The flowers. Oh, those gloriously sunny flowers. :o)
5. Good friends who are there for you no matter what.
6. Appropriate foundation garments. 'Nuff said...;o)
7. Dinner tonight:
Recipes found here. BBQ steak tips and sour cream and onion smashed potatoes. Those chetties were DIVINE!!

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Well folks, I'm off to cuddle/snuggle my honey bunny. I recommend ya'll do the same. :o)

He's ALIVE!!

Hi all. Thank you so much for all your prayers. As of 7:30 he is alive and found. He was in a meeting in his office (no windows in top secret buildings) and lost track of time. I can't begin to tell you how relieved I am. I don't want to go into all the scenarios that were running through my head. I was ready to call in a missing persons report. Seriously. I'm shaking with relief. I can now say I know what it means to be scared spitless.

I don't think I've ever been that frightened. When I couldn't find Hannah, I was scared, but I didn't know what I faced. When I couldn't find Brien, I knew what I would be facing and was petrified. I had no idea how I would ever face that again.

That said, thank you, Nana, Pop, Jessie and Mom for keeping me sane.

Worried

So, it's 6:20 and Brien's not home. This wouldn't be so awful if I had heard from him. I've tried his cell endlessly and I've tried his work a few times, all with no answer. I can't explain it, but I'm getting quite panicky. I HATE that! I know he's fine, truly. Yet, I worry. I just wish he would call.

Meanwhile, it was another gross day. BUT, it was much better than yesterday. Last night, after I posted, Sarah, Erik and Erin dropped by. It was SO wonderful to see them! Erin and Lil played and played and the grown-ups just chatted and talked and laughed. I miss them, you know? It's hard to not see your friends and family as often as you would like. That's what they are, family. :o)

For now, Lil and I will have our chicken tikka masala for dinner and I'll put her in bed and try not to have too many anxiety attacks between now and then. I just want Brien to come home. NOW.

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Today's sparklies:

1. Okay, really last night's, but seeing Sarah, Erik and Erin. :o)
2. Lil put herself to bed last night right before they left. It was too funny! She went up to her room, closed the door, started her music and crawled into bed. ;o)
3. Independent preschoolers. They can be headstrong and stubborn, but they can also be quite helpful.
4. Dinner smells VERY yummy.


No milestones.

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Well, I'm off to get Lil in her "jammas" and get us some dinner. And, pray I don't have a heart attack waiting for B to contact me. I'm near tears I'm so worried. This just isn't normal...

It's Deep Blue Funk Time

I'm heading that way and I don't wanna. The weather is cold and grey and the yucky days of winter are upon us. There is nothing beautiful out there right now. Snow and ice make things sparkly and beautiful but we just have dead trees and grass. Okay, so the trees aren't dead, but it's all so stark and well, grey. I like the cold, I truly do, especially when combined with sun or snow. However, neither is in the future forecast and I just feel cold to my bones.

As I said to our administrative assistant today, the grey yucky is good if only for helping us to better appreciate the beauty and wonder of spring. But, for now, it's just blah and I feel blah and things are blah.

Ah, it's Rachael pity-party time. Sarah's mom's death has hit me hard and I just feel helpless and this wretched grey nastiness with no winter weather in sight is not helping. It doesn't feel like a down yo, it just feels down, period.

Brien is feeling better today, thank goodness and Lil was a good girl today. I'll be going to the visitation Thrusday evening and taking Friday off to attend the funeral service. I just want to be a help however I can.

Meanwhile, I tell you what, it doesn't rain but it pours. Not only did Sarah lose her mother yesterday, her furnace went out. I just wish they could catch a break.

As for me, I just want to be a lump tonight. I don't want to cook (leftovers are a blessing!), I don't want to grade papers, I don't want to watch tv, I don't want to exercise. I'm not sure what I want. I so hate it when I get in these funks.

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Today's Sparklies:

1. It's Catholic Schools week this week and today we had an assembly highlighting all the service activities our students have participated in this year.
2. Leftovers.
3. Sweet Lil and her silliness. Thank goodness for the Bit.
4. Good friends.
5. No car payments and only a mortgage for debt.


No milestones.

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I think I may just curl up in bed with a book and hit the sack early tonight. Some nights you just have to wallow in it, you know?


For Jessie and Kristi Ann, to find out how many posts you have, simply click on the Blogger logo in the top left corner of your blog, this should take you to your dashboard. There, it will list your blogs and under them tell you how many posts you've made. :o) HTH!

1,000th Post

It's been a busy weekend, but before I begin, I need to ask for prayers for Sarah, Erik and Erin. Sarah's mother passed away today, relatively unexpectedly. Erik will call me with details regarding the service and anything I can do tomorrow. I hate this. I always feel so helpless and I just want to run to NN to be with them. Loss is loss and it hurts so much. Sarah, Erik and family, I'm so horribly sorry for your loss. You know I love you and will do whatever I can to help.



This weekend began with a trip to the Build-A-Bear ("builder bear" if you're the Monk) Workshop at Short Pump Town Center for Lydie's fifth birthday party. I was sure the party began at 10:30 and was quite proud of us for getting there in plenty of time to even be early. Mom and Dad met us in the parking lot and Mom promptly burst my bubble, informing me the party began at 10:00, thereby making us late. Well, CRAP! Oh, well. We still had LOADS of fun, as you'll see below:





Boy these two look alike!






Lil made a new puppy dog she named "Holly". Holly's name soon changed to "Waylen" and he's wearing the cutest blue dress. ;o) B and I are both worried the puppy may take Bear's place and are keeping our fingers crossed he doesn't. Goodness knows I don't mind her having another fun lovey, but Bear is so speacial to us I selfishly don't want him to lose his place of honor as lovey number one.





Kels's pink princess. :oP


As fun as the party was, I began to have a tough time. Lydie just turned five, and as five was the last year I had with Han, it's still so fresh. I miss Hannah's five. I began to remember all the things she said, all the things she loved and I had a horrible "Hannah Moment" in the middle of cake and ice cream. I was in a funk for most of the day thereafter.

Lil slept on the way home and was therefore ready to play when we got home. Bri and I had plans to clean our bedroom from top to bottom (my home is in DESPERATE need of deep cleaning and the best way to do it is to tackle one room at a time), as parts of it hadn't been touched since the day Hannah died. Let me tell you, a year and a half's worth of dust is a scary scary thing.

With such a daunting task looming, I knew we needed to have something to keep Bit busy. I dug out Han's Groovy Girls and Lil played contentedly for close to an hour and a half! I continue to LOVE the Groovies for their multiethnic, young girl looks. It's nice to have something soft and wholesome for little girls to play with.

Lily also LOVES the LPS Hannah so adored. :sigh: They are definitely not my first choice, but Lil loves 'em. We donated all of Han's so we'll be starting fresh with Bitty Bit. They are relatively inexpensive and will be an excellent incentive for behavior at daycare.

When I put the Groovies away, I had wondered how I would feel about Lil playing with them. They were so quintessentially Hannah. She received Britta for her third birthday and fell in love with them from the start. They were, without a doubt, Hannah's toys and I wasn't sure if I would ever be comfortable with anyone else playing with them.

The moment arrived, and without giving it a second thought, I dug into the closet in Hannah's room, got the girlies out and gave them to Lil. It seemed the most natural thing in the world to do it. Yes, it twinged, but it wasn't too awful. It was more of those bittersweet memories of wonderful times, than anything else. And, the thing is, I could totally hear the girls fighting over them, had Han been here. :sigh:

Today I spent almost three hours at work for Open House and came home in time to begin dinner preparation. I had wanted to make lemon bars but that will just have to wait for another day.

For now, poor B is quite ill with nausea and aches and we're keeping our fingers crossed it's not something awful as he doesn't have the time to be sick with all that needs to be done at work. Lil is finally 100% and I'm feeling fine (knocking on wood I don't come down with anything), so far...

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Weekend Sparklies:

1. This:We found the perfect little pop-up house for Lil. When I was a little girl, I had a cardboard house I LOVED LOVED LOVED and I thought Lil would like something cozy for herself. She seems to enjoy it, especially when her bean bag is tossed in with her. ;o)
This image is fuzzy due to it having been taken through the "screen" window.

2. Dinner tonight:
You can find the details here.

3. Brien and I have agreed to become recipe testers for "Cook's Country" magazine and America's Test Kitchen. How cool is that? :o)
4. The birthday party.
5. The photos from Gabriel's birthday party.
6. The Hokies just beat the 'Canes in b-ball. YES!
7. I've been over the new SU! catalog twice now and my list is ca-razy long! ;o)
8. My clean bedroom--woo hoo!


Milestones:

Lydie turning five and Lil playing with both the Groovies and the LPS. It's hard. It's just hard.

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For now, I'm off to create an adjectives test for tomorrow and then hit the Wii Fit. I'm doing fairly well on my self-monitoring and portion control and hope to continue to do so. I'm very hopeful that with smaller portions and more movement in my life I'll be able to begin shedding some weight. :fingers crossed:

She's Coming HOME!

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jessie and her family are coming back to Virginia and I'm so excited I can hardly stand it! :o) Lily will be able to get her "hairscut" before she knows it. :o)

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Laurie in Ca. awarded me with an "Honest Scrap" award. I'm to share ten honest things about myself, no matter how deep I have to dig. It seems similar to the "Seven Random Facts" post with a twist. So, without further ado, here's my list to the best of my abilities:

1. I was always a bit worried by the knowledge Han was so much smarter than me.

2. If you had asked me what I would do if I ever lost a child, this would not be what I would have said. I always assumed I would curl up in a ball and wish for death as well. Yes, this life is NOT the one I had planned, but it's still quite special and precious.

3. It's no secret I LOVE a good romance novel (good being the operative word here). They are my "escape" reading. I LOVE love stories, always have, and they just make me HAPPY. :o) Everyone loves a HEA (happily ever after), right?

4. Adding on to number three, I've been known to devour not so good romance as well, particularly category romances such as Harlequin. There's something to be said for a book who's plot you know without reading the back cover. "The Spanish Millionaire's Virgin Bride's Baby" anyone? (Yes, I made the title up, but I bet you could find a similar one if you looked...)

5. I'm continually striving to not be judgmental. I took to heart a lesson Sister Rose taught in religion class earlier this year: it is not our job to judge others, that's God's job. She's right, absolutely right. Being human, you have a desire to be right and therefore judge. Or, someone really cranks us up and we judge. Before losing Hannah I know I was far more opinionated and ready to cast people into certain molds. Now, I know life is short and precious. I know I have NO CLUE what goes on in the lives of those around me other than what I can see. I don't live their lives, I don't walk in their shoes, how could I possibly know what motivates them? It's not my place judge them and I must remember that. It's a hard one, though.

6. My willpower is not nearly as strong as it once was. I've got to work on it and make it stronger once again, especially when it comes to eating foods I know I shouldn't and not working out when I should. Oh, and getting out of bed when the alarm goes off instead of having Brien hit snooze three times...

7. Some days I LOVE my body and revel in my curves and lushness and think, "I'm pretty sexy". Other days, I can't stand to look at it. I've struggled with body image for quite a while, never thinking I was thin enough (even when I looked like a stick at 145), rarely thinking I was pretty. Isn't it odd?

8. I'm gaining self-confidence with each year. I'm still utterly terrified of conflict and will try to avoid it at all costs, but I'm more comfortable with who I am, in spite of what I posted in number seven. I may not be that happy with my outward trappings, but I'm quite happy with who I am. I think I'm a nice, loving, kind person who tries her damnedest to see the best in everyone. I'm also quite confident in my abilities as a teacher and when I take a moment to reflect, know I'm good at what I do.

9. I'm embarrassed that I'm a coward when it comes to standing up for what I believe in. It goes hand-in-hand with my fear of conflict. I'm a reasonably intelligent woman, and I'm quite passionate about those things in which I believe. Unfortunately, that passion often trips me up as I lead with my heart and it often takes my head a moment to catch up. I wind up tongue-tied and unable to defend myself and my position, left feeling embarrassed and impotent as I struggle to find the right words. I find I more often than not remain silent instead of standing up for what I know to be right and true.

10. Finally, to contradict what I wrote in number 8, I'm also incredibly insecure and, as a result, am quite the people pleaser. I seek validation from others instead of from within. I truly wish others' opinions didn't have such strong sway over me, that I could be confident in my actions and creations without relying on the approval of others to feel good about myself.

Now don't I feel exposed, LOL! ;o)

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Today's Sparklies:

1. Dinner was cajun greens with andouille sausage and red rice. Not as quick as the past two nights, but boy was it mighty tasty. I'm thrilled we've been trying so many new and different recipes and are getting out of our meal rut. :o)
2. Jessie and her family are coming HOME!!!!! You know, in case I failed to mention that before. ;o)
3. Recess duty today was lovely. The sun was shining, the wind was calm and the temp was about 50 degrees. Beautiful, simply beautiful.
4. This is post 999. Wow! I can't believe I've almost made 1000 posts!
5. I'm making my new SU! list. ;o)


No milestones.

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Lily has been saying some of the funniest things this evening. She's been killing me and I desperately want to laugh but don't because I don't want to embarrass her. I thank the Lord for such a funny kid. :o)

A New Home

As I mentioned Monday, we visited Colonial Heritage with Mom and Dad to check out their new abode. Still recovering from her illness, Lily fell asleep in the car and remained so for over an hour. I know, I sat with her. ;o)


She had dressed carefully for the day in her pink tutu skirt and cowboy boots. Let me tell you, folks, those boots go with everything. Don't believe me? Just ask Lil. ;o)

Lily had a grand time checking out the digs and letting us know what was good and where we should head next. Pop and I chatted briefly and he mentioned Han should be there to give the "grand tour". You see, when we moved into our house, right before Lil was born, Han LOVED to show off our house, dragging people from room to room to room, expounding upon the wonders and delights to be had therein. :o) Oh, she was so delightfully funny and cute as she did so and she took her job so seriously. Ah, what a kiddo.

Anyhow, without Han to guide you along, you'll have to put up with me. Here are photos of the new house:



I have to say, I LOVE the stonework on the front. Pop informed us it was Hokie Stone which of course made us all smile.

Here's the kitchen.
Looking into the kitchen from the breakfast nook.

Breakfast nook.

Family room which Mom and Dad will be converting to a dining room as it flows from the kitchen to nook to this room. It just makes sense to reassign the room.

The back patio, accessed through sun room.

Master bath. Love the tub. :o)


Master bedroom. Love the light--the windows are wonderful. :o)

Okay, the staircase. I'm standing in the current dining room which Mom and Dad will convert into a family room. Looking back to the left you can se the breakfast nook, and new dining room. Off to the right behind the stairs is the entrance to the kitchen, and that room off to the right is the room Mom will use as a craft room. Then, off to the far right is a hallway to the front bedroom.

There you are, the front door and that hall to the front bedroom.

The room to the left is the "princess room" and heck, I just liked the view down the stairs. ;o)

Upstairs bath.
See? :o)

And, the princess room. The little girls (Lydie, Joss and Lil) all love this door. Wonder why? :oP


Wallpaper in the Princes room. This room will be used for the kiddos' toys and for little girls who stay the night.

The front bedroom downstairs.


Just because. ;o)


Lil in the sun room. The sun room is off behind the new family room.

It is truly a wonderful home and I'm delighted for Nan and Pop! :o)

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Today was a nice day and low key. I walked around with a happy, hopeful heart and felt renewed. I can't explain it, it's just there. :o) Lil's on the mend, life has settled back into its routine and all is well once again.

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Today's Sparklies:

1. My step arrived. Yes, I'm sick and twisted, but I really do enjoy step aerobics and I had forgotten quite how much until I did it on Wii Fit. I generally don't enjoy aerobics, but add the step, and somehow it's fun. I'm going to continue to increase my activity level and cut portions and junk. I've decided "dieting" isn't healthy, but choosing to eat a more healthful diet, monitoring that which I put in and how much I put in, is. I don't want Lil to grow up with a poor body image or the idea that some foods are "bad" and some are "good". Teaching, you realize, YOU are the model and this carries over to home and the examples I set for the Lil.

2. Lois, I forgot to mention just how much we LOVE the penguin ornament! Thanks bunches! :o)
3. I remembered to post the pan roasted veggies and pasta recipe to Follow Your Bliss. Hooray! I'm going to start posting my recipe successes there, so check it out. Jessie is posting about crafting and gardening, Lissie about life and I food. Well rounded and fun. :o)
4. Lily's finally finally her old self again. Yay!
5. I had to chuckle over dinner this evening. We had our stand-by easy chicken enchiladas (if you are interested in the recipe, let me know and I'll post it over on the other blog) and Lil was a bit put-off by their appearance. We found an incentive for eating. She could have a number five for each bite she took. She had five bites, therefore, five number fives. She picked them out, counted them, and then declared it was time for bed. LOL! ;o)
6. Another Lil funny: She looked at my hair over dinner and asked, "Mommy, you need a hairscut?"
"Yes, Sweetie, I do."
"Jessie needs to cut your hair den?"
"Yup."
"Daddy, you need Jessie to give you a hairscut?"
"Jessie is my favorite stylist, yes."
"I need a hairscut too!"
Mommy: "Lil, do you want to call Aunt Jessie and ask her for a haircut?"
"YES!!"
**insert dialing here**
"Aunt Jessie, I need a haircut!" demanded the puss. Ahhh, gotta love kids. ;o)

7. The Hokies are playing undefeated, number 1 Wake Forest this evening and have been leading them ALL night! Basketball is NOT the Hokies strongest sport so I'm fairly tickled by this. With 57.7 seconds left, we're leading by 4, 75-71. :fingers crossed: :toes crossed: I swear, though, they gotta stop missing the foul shots!
8. I hadn't been back to Naturallycurly.com for a while and found myself playing there again this evening. I forgot what a wonderfully useful resource this is for curlies. Speaking of which, if you are a curly, what product do you use that you like? I LOVE my Jessicurl, but as happens every so often, my hair needs a break from it. I know it sounds odd, but it happens. I'm going to retry Curlisto for the time being as that's what I have in the house but I'm open to other options if you have any for me. :o)


No milestones.

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Well, folks, it's Wii Fit time! Ya'll have a great night and wonderful day tomorrow! :o)

Icy Cascades

It would seem this is the closest I'm going to get to snow and ice any time soon. It would also seem that a 90% chance of snow is not a done deal, there's that other 10% that can sneak in and steal your snow day. :o(

Oh, well, winter is still young and there is still ample opportunity for snow and snow days, right? Right???

We had a wonderful day today as history was made. We watched the the inauguration and as I predicted, I cried. It was all so utterly beautiful and wonderful to see this man take office. I don't think it matters who you voted for, today was simply amazing. A friend of mine said, "I didn't vote for him, I really liked John McCain. And yet, I can't help but feel hope for my country. Those people who say they are dying to see Obama fail are selfish and short-sighted. What they don't seem to realize is that if he fails, we fail--the United States."

Talk about words of wisdom.

Listening to Obama's address, I began to think. My generation has never truly known hardship, most of us have never had to really make tough choices economically. Pretty much from the time I became an adult, if I wanted something, I could somehow afford to purchase it. Yes, I grew up with my father in poverty. If I remember correctly, his disability check was for roughly $700/month. That had to cover medications that topped $350/month (medications needed to keep him alive, mind you), extensive medical bills (no insurance and many many hospital stays, including one month long stay after he had a stroke at the age of 40), and every day living expenses. I learned to pay bills and rob Peter to pay Paul at the age of 13. I learned to balance a check book and make choices. I learned to clip cupons, buy reduced priced food and make do.

All that said, do you think I have taken any of these lessons in frugality to heart and apply them now? NOPE! I'm living like there's no tomorrow. Sure, I save money every month. Brien and I fully fund two Roth IRAs every year. We have a college fund for Lil. And yet, I know I could do more, do better. I can't help but think our generation may be the one that does not come out ahead of when where we were when we were born.

When Obama stated there were hard choices to be made and difficult times ahead, this resonated with me. Ah, and there's my soul searching for the evening...

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Today's Sparklies:

1. Today's historic event. Amazing. Simply amazing.
2. Warm fleecy jammies on a cold night.
3. Coffee. You know, some mornings it truly is a godsend.
4. As frigid as it was today, I saw a butterfly flitting around outside.
5. Dinner of pan roasted veggies and pasta. Mmmmm.
6. Nana and Pop had their contract ratified today--HOORAY!! :o)


No Milestones.

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So often as Lil grows older, I find myself in an odd place. As I snuggle with her in her bed, as I read night night stories to her, it's almost as if my life hasn't changed, as if I exchanged one little girl for another. I'm doing the same things with one I did with the other, I'm reading the same stories, playing the same games. Really, it's quite awful. I'm not trying to force Lily to be Hannah. She is as different from here sister as day is from night.

I'm not trying to make Lily take Hannah's place. The hole left behind is Monkey-shaped, not Bitty Bit shaped, and no one and nothing can ever fill it. So, maybe this oddness is more a deja vu than anything else? I so desperately miss my Monk and I'm so eternally grateful I had those six years with her. I'm also eternally grateful for my Bit because goodness knows how this past year and a half would have been without her.

I KNOW they are two different little girls. I DO! I can't help but wonder if maybe my mind is trying to shield me from pain when I have those moments. Who knows.

I do know that I never imagined I would be here a year and a half later. Wow. A year and a half. My heart is not whole. It will NEVER be entirely whole again. No matter what events may occur, that Hannah hole is there and always will be. However, whole-hearted or not, I'm doing well. Truly. There is such joy and happiness in my life. I've got so much good going for me and I'm thankful. Thank you, God, for all I have and for helping me carry this burden.

I'm thinking aloud, trying to get thoughts and ideas out there to clarify them for me. Once again, I thank you all for being with me on this journey. Thank you all for everything you do for me, for being there, for listening, for caring, for coming back day after day to make sure we are doing okay. Thank you.

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The rest of the post is just a few of the many MANY photos B took on his visit with Han and the Cascades.


I LOVE the terracing on the ice here.


How about here where the water would usually be spilling over the rock?

Upside down icicles? Ice stalagmites?











One of the things you don't usually notice as you hike is the continual seepage of water through the valley. The myriad icicle displays found away from the creek and up the mountainsides serve as a reminder.




Gobble gobble gobble!

The falls we released Han over. Aren't they lovely?