I'm alone right now. It's odd. I've not been alone--really and truly alone--for quite a while. Bob and Brien have the big girls at BG and Ellie is napping, leaving me alone with my thoughts. And, right now, my thoughts turn towards napping...
But, they also turn towards Tuesday. Heaven Day approaches. Four years. Wow. It was hot. It was muggy. She was looking forward to a day of fun in the sun. Then, it all went horribly, tragically wrong. So wrong I'll never in a million years be able to make it right.
Once more I want to tell someone, "Okay, I get it, send her back now. The joke's over." Only, it's not a joke. Not in any way, shape or form.
She's eternally five, and as I've often said, what a blessing. When you are five (almost six, you know, on Septembager 21st), you are the world's best dancer, tell the funniest jokes, and a world renowned artist. Everybody loves you. Everybody. Life it good and wonderful and amazing, and there are more things to discover and explore just around the bend.
At five, you can tie your shoes, whistle and ride a bike. You may long for a loose tooth, but that's okay, it'll happen, give it time. For, really, when you are five, there is always time. Always. In fact, the time between now and Christmas is an utter eternity, but boy, you'll be going back to school in the blink of an eye. How does time do that?
To be eternally five is perfect. No heartbreak, no mean girls, no teenage angst. There's no middle school girl drama, no stitches and broken bones and pain and blood. No one tells you you aren't good enough and you never will dance on stage in front of thousands. What a blessing.
She's with her Papa and myriad great grandparents. She's with family and friends (so many angel friends--I'm sure they must get into all sorts of mischief as they explore all heaven's hidey-holes) and in a place of pure, utter perfection. What could be any better?
We'll celebrate that come Tuesday. She's with Jesus. Amazing. Utterly amazing.
And yes, in spite of knowing that, it still hurts. I still miss her. But, for me, it's far easier to celebrate the happy than dwell on the sad. I know she's there waiting for us and goodness knows I can't wait to see her again.
She sends signs--if we're smart enough, we catch them--and we know she's here with us. But, boy, wouldn't one of those Pepe Le Pew kisses up the arm be welcome right about now? That's the part I can't experience. I miss the physical being of her. I wonder what her voice would sound like now. I wonder how tall she would be. I wonder about school and friends and yes, heartbreak and heartache. For one who loved as deeply as she would surely be hurt by this time.
Then, there's the teeth. When would they have finally fallen out? Would she have those great big teeth so out of proportion with the rest of her face? Would her body still be all coltish legs and gangliness? Would she still love to be cuddled and snuggled--even at the age of almost 10? Oh my. Double digits. I'd have a child in double digits.
Instead, she's forever five. And you know, I don't suppose that's such a bad thing some times.
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Today's Sparklies:
1. Seeing the Sisters in church. We've been traveling so much and out and about so much I've not seen them and I've missed them.
2. Ellie "reading" to herself. I'll have to try to get a video. It's TOO funny!
3. My gallery wall above the mantle is almost together. Hooray for Brien!
4. Another lovely day. Tomorrow it will be icky once more. But today, today is beautiful. :o)
no milestones.
17 comments:
Praying for you as Heaven Day approaches.
And once again, I cry.
My heart to you, my friend.
I'm hoping that you've felt my thoughts and prayers over the years. I don't remember what first brought me to your blog but it was during Hannah's hospitalization. She was such a beautiful child as are her sister's, and you are such an amazing mom!
I prayed then and continue to pray now that you have the strength to carry on in her memory!
I've been amazed by your faith, your will and your desire to go on amidst such tremendous pain! What I didn't expect is that your ability to carry on has often strengthened me! I've been extremely touched by you and your husband's strength to defy all odds in your marriage... and to even bring new life into your family. Hannah's love continues to live on in her beautiful baby sister!
You'll make it through this next milestone... just as you have all others! Hannah's love and beauty continues to live on in all of you and it's so evident! Keep it up and know that she's right there with you in the midst of all of your heartache and joy! Hannah would want it no other way!
Tears and prayers.
Thinking about you so much this week! Was just sitting down on the back porch last night, telling Karl (my DH) about how much I admire you and how you've dealt with the horribleness of what you've been dealt. Said a prayer for you at Mass last night, too. Hope that this week brings a lot of precious memories and moments when you feel close to your monkey girl.
Rach,
You are an amazing Mom. Hannah is certainly an amazing angel since she was such an incredible girl here on earth. Your family is in our prayers every morning and night, but July's prayers come with more weight in our hearts. God bless you for living with such optimism as Hannah's Heaven Day approaches. This is the first year I've been a mother holding a child in my arms while praying for you all. I promise you that I take note of how blessed I am and hug Jack a little longer thanks to what I've learned from you.
Rach,
Count me in on the tears too.
We're at four years old here, but that's pretty magical too...thanks for the reminder to see it that way. :)
I am pretty sure we'll be reading some Fancy Nancy books come Tuesday...
Love and hugs...
You're right. Today IS beautiful.
Jane
xox
I thought of Hannah last weekend as I lay in my tent-camper looking out the screen at the beautiful, ethereal fireflies in the trees. I appreciated them a little more because I knew how thrilled Hannah would have been to see them. I imagine Heaven must be filled with fireflies and that she and her angel friends have amazing fun catching them.
As my grandson approaches five, thank you for reminding me what a wonderful age it is.
((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))
Hugs.
Please let us know what we can do to honor Han tomorrow. Whatever it is the girls and I are in. :)
Rach, you know I will be thinking about you all even more tomorrow.
big hugs
jaydee
Beautiful and touching writing from the depths of a momma's heart. You are in my prayers and thoughts. I just love your writing. You have inspired and encouraged so many with your sensitivity and your heartfelt words.
Hannah has touched a lot of lives. To me, she is the sparklies, the joy in life. Hannah is a special girl and just thinking about her, makes me see the joy in life. May God give you peace tomorrow.
I've been thinking and praying for you for the last several days. I knew the date was coming up but I didn't know that it was today. HUGS to you and your family.
This post is stunningly beautiful. I can't begin to imagine your feelings but those expressed in your post are pretty profound. My thoughts are with you on Hannah's Heaven Day.
What a beautiful, perfectly lovely post. It brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. Prayers for you and your family as you continue to walk this road without your Hannah.
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