I was clicking through other folks' blog rolls last night, and came upon the blog of a woman who lost her baby five months before we lost Hannah. Being morbid and curious, and nothing but sympathetic, I hit her archives and started reading.
The pain. Oh, the raw pain. And the confusion. And the unanswered questions. It took me back to those first months after we lost Hannah, and I really came to understand how far I have come on this journey.
I have not been back through to read my archives--it's too painful, and not something I feel the need to relive at this point in my life--but I can remember those lessons I had "learned" from losing her.
Life is short. We're not guaranteed tomorrow, only this moment. Enjoy your babies, even those things they do which drive you bonkers for those things will be that which you miss most when they are gone. They're only little once, don't sweat it if they wear crazy outfits in public. Don't flip out over the small things, embrace them. Don't promise to do something and then not do it. Snuggle and cuddle, LOTS.
I could certainly go on and on, for those were things I was DETERMINED to remember and heed. And yet, I haven't. Not really. Time has passed. Those lessons have faded somewhat.
Sure, I'm good about embracing the small moments that occur that at one time would have had me flipping out (running through the yard sprinklers, anyone?), and I'm fine with the outfits the girls wear (although, we will be having a bit of a rein-in once school begins), but I seem to have forgotten about the others.
I don't snuggle Lily nearly often enough (and Ellie, quite frankly, has NO desire to be held and cuddled--at all. She has no time for it, thankyouverymuch), and instead of enjoying the little things she does (the whistling...gah, the tuneless whistling!) I become annoyed. Why? It's such a harmless thing, really. She is proud that she can do it, so does so. With quite a bit of frequency.
I fuss. I've been trying not to yell or raise my voice, but it happens sometimes (I'm so ashamed). I'm impatient. I get frustrated with the distractedness and lollygagging and piddling. Her room and bathroom and the fact she doesn't even see the messes she makes irks me no end.
I cringe upon reflection when I realize just how unreasonable I may have been. Why do I say "no" so often? Does it hurt me to say "yes"? It's as if it's become a habit to say "no". Why? Why why why? Have I not learned? Oh dear lord, what if something happened to Lil? How would I feel then?!?
For now, I know how it feels to lose a child. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I'm certain each loss is different and excruciating in it's own right, but losing a child is still losing a child. I could never have imagined how it would be. I thought I could. I thought I had. But really, I hadn't. And then, it happened, and I knew. I learned. Drat it all, I LEARNED from that. And yet, it seems I didn't. Not really. I'm doing some of the same stupid things I did with Hannah.
I suppose it's human nature to be self-critical. Parenting is hard (talk about your understatements!) and there is a fine and delicate balance between being "mommy" and being YOU. Where does "mommy" end and "you" begin? Motherhood is a life of sacrifice, and I knew that before Hannah was born. I remember sitting in my living room right after she was born, sobbing in the way that only terrific hormonal upheaval and new motherhood at a young (24) age could produce, because I knew in that moment, my life as I had known it was over. It would never be the same again. Period.
And, it hasn't. I've given up much as a mom--the last piece of chocolate, hours and hours of sleep, peeing in privacy, stopping for a break on the road when a child is sleeping, movies, free reading time, just to name a few--but I don't mind. I don't, truly. However, human nature being what it is, I'm also selfish, and every once in a while, I crave that moment to go potty (see, like I said, NEVER be the same--how many adults sans children call it "potty"??) without an audience or someone beating down the door and screaming because they can't get to me. My selfish dream is simple, really. I dream of an overnight stay in a hotel room--all. by. myself. Good grief, what I could do with that time...:wistful sigh:
I suppose the selfish side of me, and the side of me that feels it is my responsibility and duty as a mother to raise confident, happy, well-adjusted, contributing members of society fight with that side of me that just longs to be my girls' friend and to say "yes" to their desires. I want them to like me, I do. I don't know that I'm the most "likeable" person around some days, just ask B and Lil.
But, at the same time, I also know that by saying "yes" to everything would lead to big fat disasters. It's that balance thing again.
I need to reassess. Where am I now? How important is it to me that I embrace my Lil and all her quirks? How important is it to me that I find other ways to get through to her and find patience to deal with her extreme differences from me (mess making and piddling, anyone)? How much would it hurt for me to be more deliberate about saying "yes" when it wouldn't hurt to do so, instead of the "nos" that always seem to pour forth?
Reading through that woman's archives brought home to me how important it is for me to remember those lessons I learned from Hannah and her death. In many ways, I'm doing well, but in others, I'm still a work in progress.
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Today's Sparklies:
1. Listening to Lil play in the playroom. She is SO good about entertaining herself.
2. The kitties are such kitties. I was trying to type this post and Fred plunked himself down right on my keyboard. When moved aside, I received quite the disdainful look and he then plunked himself down on my hand. Ahh, the joys of being owned by a cat. ;o)
3. The Bean is feeling SO much better--although the nose is still rather runny.
4. Leftovers for lunch.
5. BEAUTIFUL weather for much of the day. Highs in the low-80's works for me. There was even a coolish breeze. :o) It's supposed to be nice tomorrow as well. Too bad the weekend is looking bleak...Hurricane Irene is on the move.
6. Audiobooks. Ah, the thing that allows me to immerse myself in literature even when I'm cleaning.
7. My funny hubby who makes me laugh because he knows just which buttons to push.
Milestone:
Reflecting on loss and lessons learned.
13 comments:
All Moms need a break now and again. I used a sick day while my kids were in school today and I mainly cleaned, sewed and did things for them, but still my day was awesome!
Gabriel and I had a very bad day. He was awful and I'm sure I told him that quite a few times. Yikes, I know that is breaking some major good parenting rules. He has this thing where he will be defiant and then I discipline him appropriately and he cries his eyes out and begs to be "nuggled". I refused him today b/c I don't want to give in and of course now that he is asleep I feel like the biggest jerk in the world. Like, how can a mother say, "I will NOT SNUGGLE YOU! Go finish your time out!"
Parenting is so challenging some days. I want to be the mother from Little Bear and I am SO NOT that patient.
Wow. What a great honest post.
I remember commenting to my sister Caroline after the accident that we just "had to be better." Better sisters, aunts, daughters, etc. I really thought I could do that. I had visions of this new me that was going to be more patient and caring and not "sweat the small things" because of the frailty of life. I also had this idea that I was going to be this amazing organized, martha stewart meets the super nanny mom and get the kids organized and nourtured and fed delicious healthy meals at all times. Yeah, that's just not happening. At the same time though, I don't like to think of myself as a finished product. I want to work on things and maybe one day I'll really learn that lesson from the accident and gain that extra patience. Who knows.
Being a mom is so tough. It's a job that means giving of yourself all day. Yes, we should make more time for ourselves but it's hard. I sometimes yearn for our younger selves when all I focused on was my soccer, travelling for work to foreign places and seeing our friends' band play. My have things changed.
Anyway, rambling comment, but just hang in there and don't be so hard on yourself. I can't imagine how hard it must be to lose a child.
BTW...we spent a few hours in W'burg on Saturday and I thought of you while eating our sandwiches from the cheese shop.
I laughed out loud when I read the middle of your post...of course I could relate to the long-gone dream of going potty without an audience (and an audience who is just at eye-level of everything "important" ha ha) and I remember waking up to the girls crying about three days after they were born and thinking "This is for the rest. of. my. life...what was I thinking??" The part that really made me laugh was the part about the hotel room, though...I seriously have been hoarding some money that I got for my birthday in April and I keep telling Todd that I really want to use it to go away overnight all alone. I really wouldn't care if I just go to the hotel 5 minutes from my house, I just want to wake up and know that there's nobody about to jump on me or start crying or beg for breakfast... :o)
My worst parenting quote that I am embarrassed to say that I pull out now and then? "What's *wrong* with you?" Ugh!!! Really trying to retire that one for good!!!
We are human, so we all fail...and learn..and fail...and learn. Two steps forward. One step back. We strive.
And as long as we creep forward...albeit slowly...on our path to becoming better people, then we are doing well. Very well.
You, my friend, are doing very very well. I am proud.
Love,
Jane
xoxo
Rach,
Reading this post, I am almost in tears. Sitting next to me, eating her breakfast, is my "Lily", my 5-year-old little person that bears the brunt of my moods, that pushes all my buttons, that I say "no" to constantly, that I fuss at for all her little oddities that make her "her"....and I, like you, beat myself up for it on a daily basis. I ask myself why???? My friend, your post spoke to me on such a personal level, and although I haven't lost a child, I understand that need to make each day count. And I haven't. I could go on and on about my failures as a parent. I could go on and on about my need to have time to myself and my "loss" of myself when I became "Mom." But you already know all these things.
You are a wonderful mother, Rach. All we can do is do our best every day, and make sure our kiddos know we love them. I'm going to take your cue and try to improve myself as a mother, as well. Thanks for the honest post:)
-Ashley
I hear women say all the time that they can't be friends to their child. Why not? I feel like that by being their friend and not just their mother, that we have a connection that encourages them to be even better citizens because they want to win your approval on two levels. I have tried to be my daughter's friend and Mom and it has worked for us. They came to me with problems that other girls would not have told their Mom's about. They listened to my advice more than I hear of other kids doing. My youngest is 17 and she has been through a rough year but I think she has survived because of our closeness. I just lost my Mom last month. What hurts the most is that we were not better "friends". I never felt I could tell her personal things. I hid them. I was raised in the 50's and 60's when parents were definitely not friends. I have tried to do different with my girls.
Thank you for sharing your heart. The lessons are something we should all take to heart as well as mothers. It is SO hard and I know for certain that I'm not giving my kids enough grace...I'm actually trying to get through about book about grace. It's called Giving Them Grace. The peeing in privacy, or lack there of, made me laugh because I rarely am able to do that ;) I pray that you continue to grow and blossom. You're a wonderful mama and a great friend :)
I believe that friends play an important role in one's life. I also believe that parents play the most important role in a child's life. Those two roles--friend and parent--are vastly different, as they should be. Blurring the lines between being a parent and being a "friend" to your child generally results in a confused child who struggles to understand the difference. My parents TOLD me what to do. My friends did not and do not. My parents told me what to do so that I would learn how to be civil and respectful as well as honest and hardworking, etc.
As a public educator for more than forty years, I have much experience teaching children and college students who had "friends" for parents. To be blunt, I felt sorry for them as they struggled to get along in the world, and I worked hard to help them navigate paths that they should have been taught how to traverse on their own. Parents--too busy trying to be "friends--too often dropped the ball when it came to parenting.
Just my two-cent's worth.
Lissie
I have been reflecting on how fast time goes by. My girls are growing up so fast. I wonder if I am doing a good enough job. Some times I feel that I am not the best example. I see other moms that seem to do a much better job.
I guess one thing our daughters will know with certainty is that we love them. We try hard. We may not always be perfect, but we are loving them, and trying to teach them to do the right things.
What a wonderful, honest post. I loved it, and I loved reading into your heart. After a terrible, long day today - I really needed to hear and see these words. Thank you for the reminder!
Hope you and your family are doing well. As you prepare for kindergarten, we are thinking of you! :) I am sooo not ready for it ...
You are such a thoughtful mother -- and you care so much. The crabbiness of any individual day is actually a good thing for the girls to witness because they will be dealing with crabby, frustrated people all their lives. They will BE crabby, frustrated people from time to time, as we all are, and seeing the full range of emotions and responses to those emotions is a healthy thing for them (and for all of us). So really do give yourself a break -- you can't be patient, understanding, compassionate mommy every day. Sometimes you are going to be frustrated, and it is going to leak through to the kids. It's ok. I think you put too much pressure on yourself to be "better" because you know the pain of losing a child, and you want that pain to have some transformative meaning in your life (the idea of something good coming from what is bad, and as your blog shows, you know it's a complex dance -- there's nothing good about losing Hannah, nothing you've gained that in any way makes it "worth" the loss, but then you also see how you have changed in ways that make you a better mom than you might have otherwise been because of the awfulness of your experience). But knowing the loss of a child and feeling more keenly than most the passage of time and the shortness of childhood doesn't mean that the everyday frustrations of raising small children *shouldn't* get to you. Not being able to pee in private without someone banging down the door is frustrating, and you are allowed to raise your voice above the craziness and say, "hey, mommy really needs a moment here!" I think you put too much pressure on yourself to be "better" because of Hannah, but it's GOOD for the kids, not bad, for them to see mommy as a human being who sometimes needs a few minutes alone (even if it is only to pee). You want them to grow up to be women who don't feel pressured to be perfect all the time, who feel entitled to have a whole range of responses to the world. Endless patience isn't necessarily a healthy thing. A little frustration, expressed well, might just be a good thing. That said, I lapse into "swearing mommy" sometimes now that my kids are a bit older and I'm not sure losing my cool to the point where I'm screaming "get the HELL in the car NOW!" is modeling anything other than incivility. So there's got to be some kind of balance. I love that you are so much more thoughtful about these things and that you are willing to post here about it.
I'm going out of town for three nights for an academic conference next month, and the thought of three nights in a hotel fills me with glee! But I will be calling home three times a day, too, or trying to reign in the impulse to do it, because it's tough to be away, too. But I don't think it makes you a bad mom if you literally don't cherish every minute of it, and if it you occasionally need a break.
Rach, your crabbiness and all the other things you are struggling with are actually helping the girls to grow and cope with life in the big wide world. If they didn't experience these things at home with you, it would be a huge shock when they encounter them outside for the first time. You are working so hard to be the best mother and parent that you can be and you are doing a great job. In just the same way as Lissie did a good job, too!
big hugs
jaydee
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