Back on the Wagon

If there's anything I do particularly well, it's keep it honest and real.  I know my flaws and faults, I know what I'm good at, and I'll be up front about it.  I have a tendency to not want to do something if I perceive it to be hard or think it's going to be hard.  As I've said before (many times, alas), I'm an inherently lazy person.  I am.  I'm rather ashamed of it, but there it is. 

The thing is, my need for order and neatness typically overcomes that lazyitis and things stay fairly well-ordered and organized around here.  Typically.  There are definitely moments when things aren't great, but most of the time nothing is out of control or so awful it'll take more than 30 minutes to an hour to put to rights.

I wish that need for order could somehow rear its head with regards to my health and eating and exercise.  I did so well last year from the middle of January to May.  I was feeling great and SO proud of myself!  And then, somewhere along the way, I fell off the wagon and my routine, and I fell HARD.  Any progress I had made is gone.  I gained back all the weight I lost (can you see the red glow coming from my hot cheeks as I admit this?) and as for being heart healthy and exercising, well, forget it.  That went away too.  I struggled to get in shape, I was in shape, I should have maintained it.  I didn't. 

I fell into the same unhealthy patterns of eating and moving that have been my life for so many years now.  I love food.  I adore food.  I mean GOOD, tasty food--typically the kind loaded in fat.  If something tastes that delicious, typically it tastes like seconds. 

I ate to filling overfull. And continued to do it, even though I didn't like how I was feeling.  If I was feeling a bit peckish, I would pick up whatever the girls were having (or worse), and instead of measuring out, I would simply eat from the container.  Self-control?  What self-control??

When I was bouncing along the ground, watching the wagon leave me in the dust, I gave up on the scale.  He and I haven't met up in months (and months and months and months).  I could tell all my hard work was gone by the way my clothes were fitting and the way I felt, I didn't need to see the number on the scale to tell me that.

I started the new year with the desire to fix things and KEEP THEM FIXED.  This morning, I bit the bullet and got on the scale.  I was positive I had put back on everything I lost plus more and was afraid to look.  Thankfully, I hadn't!  In fact, I'm pretty much back to square one, as if last year's efforts never occurred.  Thank goodness!

I'm once more keeping a food log and being mindful of portions and what I'm putting in my mouth (not idly picking at the girls' food and such).  I'm moving again.  I'm working on losing a bit so my joints don't hurt as much when I begin to work on cardio in earnest.  I'm working on self-control, especially where my beloved carbs are concerned.  Carbs are good in small amounts, not in the portions I like to have them.  ;o)

I've felt better the past few days--getting up and getting out and getting moving--than I have in a long long while.  I'm sore, but it's a good kind of sore.  I've done this once and I know I can do it again.  And, this time around I'm determined not to fall off that wagon and let it pull away from me.  If I fall, I'm fully prepared to bounce right back on again!

I'm embarrassed as I write this.  Robin and I were talking about it, and the thing is, having been slender most of my life, I feel I have to make excuses and explain that "I haven't always been this way".  There's such a stigma attached to being fat and I'm tired of it.  I want to be healthy for me and my family, not because of what others think (at least this is what I'm telling myself). 

So, here I am, once again making this effort to better my health and my future.

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Today's Sparklies:

1.  Dani, I had Map My Run from when you downloaded it.  It's WONDERFUL!  Thank you! :o)
2.  3 miles this morning and it was GORGEOUS.  This is like no winter I've experienced in quite awhile.  But, it's nice for taking a morning walk.
3.  Hey, I'm ahead of where I was last year with regards to moving and eating better.  I didn't start eating well until mid-January, and I didn't begin working out until mid-February.
4.  Even though she napped for a bit in the stroller this morning--how odd!--Bean is taking a lovely nap right now.  Whew!
5.  New people came to Bible Study last night.  Our numbers have grown from four to nine! :o)
6.  Sleeping well.  I forgot how much better I sleep when I get decent exercise.  Duh!

No milestones.