Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Post That Got Away From Me

Some days there are events or happenings or even small moments that stand out as being truly exceptional and wonderful, and some days are just, well, days.  There are times I sit and look at the blank screen of my blog wondering just what in the world I'm going to write about.  Other days I am overflowing with ideas and struggle with deciding which thing to write about.  It seems it truly is a feast or famine.

Life is just so daily.  We get up and do the same routines and drive the same places and do the same things, and really, this is as it should be.  I thrive on routine as do my girls, so I'm not complaining.  I'm just thinking out loud (so to speak). 

This is my space to write and capture moments and memories for the girls as well as to share my thoughts on random things that have no bearing on anyone else's lives, but that I find interesting or nifty. 

I try to be open and honest and "real" (for lack of a better term) because I see so many blogs out there with lives that just seem so perfect--perfectly groomed and coiffed children and parents, perfectly clean and organized houses, perfectly manicured yards and perfectly cooked meals.  I'm not perfect--not by any stretch of the imagination. Just ask Jessie, she'll tell you (you want honesty, go ask a sibling, they'll tell it like it is).

I don't want anyone to feel "bad" reading my blog.  Sure, I do organizational sorts of things, and yes, I do cook, and yes, I share photos of my house when it's clean.  But, hey, why in the world would I want to document the crap and the days when Ellie is driving me around the bend (not that she would EVER do such a thing, the sweet angel...) and I've turned into a screaming monster?  Oh, wait, I do that, don't I?  I just don't share the truly awful photos of the house...no, wait, I've done that as well.  (In my defense, I did share the after of that godawful mess...)

I guess I'm sort of rambling here because I was thinking again about those perfect blogs, and how not perfect my life is--losing Hannah notwithstanding.  I think we're like most everybody else out there, just trying to get by.  Parenting is so blasted hard. I have a two-almost-three year old who is currently in an open defiance stage.  Yes, it's to be expected as she is trying to assert her independence, but darnit, it's so hard to be patient when you tell your child not to do something and they look you dead in the eyes and grin as they do what they've been told not to do.  And then, she grins even more when I'm trying to discipline her.  ARGH!! I just want to explode and I'm sure B's going to come home one day and have to scrape me off the ceiling. :oS

Then, I have the piddler.  I utterly adore the child, but holy smokes is she distractable.  "Lil, go upstairs and put on your pj's."  Twenty minutes later I find her still in her clothes playing with the cats or reading.  GAH!!!  It takes her thirty minutes to do something it would take me two to do--and not just because I'm a grown-up. 

But, they're kids.  I get that.  They make mistakes and they learn from them.  Childhood is for making mistakes and learning and moving forward.  They're my kids and I love them with every fiber of my being, but they're far from perfect.  I'm far from perfect. I work hard everyday to be the mom my children need and I feel there are days when I simply come up short.  Being a mom is hard.  You give up so much of who you are to take care of those little creatures, and it's a struggle to find time to be the you you were before they came along.  Time is such a premium--a luxury even--and I find I'm constantly deciding if I want to read, craft, or sleep when I finally get some "me" time.  There was a time when I could do all three... I want to stay up to the wee sma's so I can do all those things I want to do, but then I'm exhausted and sleep deprived and a bear and nobody wants to be around me, so instead I'm in bed by 10. 

I've had discussions with friends and my husband and it seems men don't lose their identity the same way women do.  Sure, they may be known as "Hannah's Daddy", but they're still themselves.  Why is it women aren't?  I'm suddenly a "mama" and not "Rachael".  I don't think this is something that bothers me, so much as it's just an observation.  Again, I'm simply thinking out loud here, and maybe Brien's the only man out there who didn't lose who he "is" when he had kids. 

And, I'm not really sure where this post is going--it's sort of taken on a life of its own as I've begun to wax philosophical--so I think I better cut it off here before I ramble on any longer. :oS  I guess, simply put, I want the takeaway from this post to be I'm not perfect, and in those perfect blogs, those folks aren't perfect either.  And, if they are, I don't wanna know about it. ;o)

****************************
Sparklies:

1.  Ellie and I met up with Sarah, Lauren and Connor this morning:

It was cold out so we met at the playground at the mall. :o)

2.  Beanie's hair is getting SO long!
3.  Oh, and we got her that little scooter-y balance bike the other day.  She loves it.

4.  New raised beds!
We need to get more ingredients for the Mel's Mix to fill the rest of the boxes (and top off the old ones) but hooray!  The furlough can't take my gardening away from me!

5.  I think I feel better from that little rambly thing up there.  It was rather cathartic to get it out.  I had no idea it was hiding in there, but lo and behold, it was.  Who knew?


No milestones.

11 comments:

Jori said...

You just summed up exactly how I have been feeling the past two days!!

Korinthia Klein said...

I wonder if that's why I'm drawn to blogs of people who have suffered serious loss. They know there are more important things than keeping up appearances. Perfection is boring.

Bailey's Leaf said...

I agree with Korinthia. Bless her. She speaks the truth when she says that perfection is boring. AMEN!

I admitted a long time ago that I found you through some link somewhere asking for prayer for your family when Hannah died. I recall going through the archives because I wanted to know who Hannah was. I've stuck around all of these years because you do keep it real. (Remember my asking about the blue carpet spot just about a week ago? I mean, most people would have artfully trimmed that out. It is a part of life though. That and a baby bluing.)

As far as losing the name when you become a mama, I laugh about it often. At school, even just last night, I'll have kids who tell me hi. Last night, it was D's sister. (D is the one who has a severe crush on K.) The girl with her said, "Do you know her?" I turned around and she said, "Aren't you K's mom?" I told her yes, but had no idea who she was. Girlfriend grew her hair out long, thinned out and ditched her glasses. "AHHHH!" I do admit that it doesn't really bother me to be K's mom. I have a one and only and that one and only was a long road. It's all good.

I do have to laugh at women who CHOOSE to lose their own name. "Mrs. B- Davis." Really? They'll hand me credit cards. I mean, I love my husband, but you know that I hyphenated. My family thought it was great. Hubs' family thought it was a sin. Hubs didn't care. He just requested that our children carry only his last name. Seemed reasonable enough.

I'm rambling. See. You've inspired me.

Keep on the good work girlie. We love you. :)

Melissa S. said...

Delurking (again!!) to tell you what a wonderful post this is! I thoroughly enjoy your blog and it is BECAUSE you aren't perfect. I found your blog like the others above, because of your loss, and appreciate your openness, honesty, and perspective. Yours is the blog I check everyday, and it is for the above reasons (that and I love the colloquialisms you use - although I don't always get them -- "chuffed" makes me laugh every time!!) Keep on keeping on sister!!

Anonymous said...

I think you are perfectly imperfect.

Jane
xox

Anna See said...

Life is just so daily! LOVED that!
xo, Anna

jaydee said...

Rach, perfection doesn't exist, George Clooney aside! If all the world were perfect we would be living in Stepford and I cannot think of anything worse! I love that you keep your blog real and I love that you let your hands have free rein when you do your blog posts. I, too, have absolutely no idea where my blog posts will take me when I sit in front of my screen. Yeah, I know it will involve a card, but that's it!
I love that you share so much of your life with us, it's what makes this blog so great.
As for losing yourself. When you become anyone's anything, that tends to make you feel that you are no longer you. It's especially hard as a mother as you take on so many different roles. But, remember we love you for being Rach!
Hugs
Jaydee

Steph said...

Yes, we moms do tend to lose our identities. (I answered to either of my girls' names:) I think it is because we prioritize our children over everything--not that Dads don't value their children. It just seems to me that because they believe their role is provider they don't feel guilty when work takes them away from their children. I have been a stay at home mom and a working mom and I always felt guilty if I missed any small thing at school etc. If he took a child to preschool once that week, the teachers say he is such an involved Dad. If I missed that day, the teachers asked where I was. All this to say that I agree with this post! and always enjoy reading your writing.

S in LA said...

Thank you so much for that. I say the same thing about Christmas cards. They have become so elaborate over the years with too perfect family photos. My husband thinks we should up our game on our cards but I keep telling him at least our card photo shows the real us. We have friends that had professional photos taken in Hawaii to send out on a Christmas card. Hawaii!!! Keep it real girl!

Anonymous said...

I have been drawn to your blog because you are SO REAL and I just can't help thinking we would be friends in real life if circumstances were different (do NOT mean that to be creepy). I also have the perspective of being at a place where I am looking back at my boys' childhoods. They are now 21 and 19, both in college. And guess what - they grew up ok despite me! :-) Actually, they are both fine young men and I couldn't be prouder. I can relate so much to the thoughts you express in your posts. Please believe me when I say that if your posts reflect even some of your real life, which I suspect they do, you are doing an amazing job with your family. It's not about perfection, it's about the day-to-day REAL journey. Tami in NV xoxo

P.S. Love, love, love my EC daily planner. In my second year.

Ness said...

At almost 59, I can SO identify with you. My youngest of 26 is still at home due to intracranial high pressure in her head and mega surgeries and I feel as if I will always have children in my duplex! I want ME time and with a sickly husband and my daughter, it is hard pressed to do so. I crochet and am learning to knit socks if I can ever find 15 minutes together. Hang in there, girl. Blink and you will be looking at prom dresses and teen attitude issues. I came to know, appreciate and love your Hannah and I when see sparkles to this DAY at TarJay and I think of her. Hugs to you. I recently lost my best friend after 41 years of being sister/friends and my heart hurts when I go to bed and when I wake up. And that is mild compared to you missing Hannah. I keep you in my daily prayers.