Thursday, September 05, 2013

Reflecting

Holy smokes!  This girlie really is a second grader.  Look at her! Look at how grown up she's looking.  It makes my heart smile and hurt just a little at the same time.  My baby is well and truly gone.  In her place is this big girl who is funny, and smart and goofy, and just a bit weird in her own delightful way. 

She's going to drive both her teacher and me batty this year as we struggle to get her to focus on completing her work in the time allotted.  She's going to delight her teacher with her kindness and warmth and love of random knowledge (just like her mama and daddy).

She's growing by leaps and bounds.  Look at the progression. 

Stack 'em up and it's even more apparent. 

 (And, so as to not leave out my mini-me...)

I look at these hands, and I see that sweet face and I can't help but think about the one who's missing, the one who would be a *gulp* seventh grader this year. 

I never got to see her soft baby face grow and mature.  I never got to see her hands grow ever bigger.  She's, as I've said so often, eternally five.  And, yes, while I'm grateful she won't have to bear the burden of a broken heart (as it surely would have been many times over she was such a sensitive little soul), at times I long to see what she would look like as a second grader or *gulp* middle schooler.  She was such a beautiful child (I'm biased, I know), I can't help but feel ripped off I didn't get to see her go through that miserable big kid awkward stage and then grow into a beautiful 'tween, for surely she would be.  Knowing the child she was, she'd have been beautiful both inside and out. 

Of course, she'd have been driving me crazy--utterly around the bend, in fact--as she was just like her little sister Lily, a piddly thing who did things at her own pace in her own time.  GAH!!

This time of year is always hard.  It's a time of new beginnings and I have one less little chick to have those new beginnings with.  It's hard.  It's still hard.  In some ways it's easier with the passing of time, but in others, it's harder.  I have passed a crucial point--I have now spent more time without my Monkey than I had with her.  And, you know, I'm just not sure how I feel about that.

I'm so busy chasing after busy Beans I just don't have the time to sit and reflect as I normally would.  I haven't had a chance to check in to see what condition my condition is in (I'm so sorry for that awful ear worm!).  I was a grumpy gus today and I knew it.  I was even texting with Dani about it.  I told her to just call me "Sir Grumpalot".  She told me it would have to be "Lady Grumpalot" or "Duchess Grumpalot" which had me chuckling.  I spent the rest of the day as "Her Grace, The Duchess Grumpalot". ;o)

At any rate, reflecting on the grumpiness, I think it's because I've not been as attentive to my needs these past few days.  I've been busy getting Miss Bit off to school and getting her settled in--she's my child through and through and change is very hard for her--and chasing after and cleaning up with Miss Bean and the evenings have been so hectic as we've tried to settle into our routine that I simply haven't had a chance to just be and reflect.  :sigh:

Maybe I'll find some time to do so this weekend. 

***********************
Sparklies:

1.  The tomato harvest from Wednesday:

And, from the other end for good measure.  Anyone want some 'maters?

2.  Lunch today:
Check out this mamba jamba! That is one tomato!

3.  I found a relic of times past at CW yesterday:
Who knew they still existed?!?

4.  My girls with their sweet dispositions even when I'm a grumpy bear. 

5.  A good first week of school (so far!).

No milestones other than what I've written up there.

6 comments:

Jori said...

Those hands are so precious! What a special thing to have.

I can't believe Han would be in 7th grade! What a girl! I know everything will be made right someday. While that's a comforting thought, day to day living is still hard. Big giant hugs sweetie!

Korinthia Klein said...

Love the hands. Love the tomatoes.

I'm sorry you don't have your Hannah with you. I'm in tears trying to imagine the hurt of not getting to see a kid grow.

Glad school is off to a good start. Ours has been a bit of everything this week from laughter to tears. I'm just hoping things level out soon.

Peg said...

Ah, Rach...I can't even imagine the pain of your loss. The what-ifs must be so hard. It's like grief takes on different flavors with the constant of Hannah not being here. I'm just really sorry.

Love the hands. She is getting sooo big.

Those are some serious tomatoes! Do you like gazpacho? I would be making a serious batch with the tomatoes and all your giant cukes.

Hope her lady of grumpiness has left the castle :) Hang in there!!

Sending hugs from NOVA.

Bailey's Leaf said...

It is Septembarger isn't it? (The spelling may not be right.) Ahhh. It's a new time of year for school and that paired with the September birthday, it gets things stirred for you. Rest assured, Miss Hannah is with you, but it isn't the same thing. I get it. :(

In the meantime, you have busy girls, tomatoes a growing and a relic from times past. I didn't pay attention, but one part of me hopes that the pay phone was rotary dial. That would be colonial, right? ;)

ME said...

I love the hands idea...may have to steal that one! My heart hurts for you when I think about things like you were writing about missing Hannah. I just can't imagine...hugs, hugs, hugs!!
And finally, I just have to say that you have totally corrupted me...you know what I thought when I saw your tomato crop photo? Seriously, my FIRST thought was, why didn't she ROYGBIV those? (well, ROYG anyway!). All of those colors all mixed together just don't look right, coming from you. LOL!!
xoxoxo

jaydeee said...

Rach,
I can't believe how Lil is maturing so quickly! It's great that she is such an independent girl who has an enquiring mind! love it :-)

Your tomatoes look totally yummy. I swear I could taste them!

As for the phone... we went to the Alexander Graham Bell museum whilst we were in Nova Scotia last week. I think he would be thrilled to see that there is something resembling his creation still around :-)

Hugs
Jaydee