Sunday, September 08, 2013


As Amy wisely pointed out to me, it is in fact Septembager. Septembager 21st approaches.  My girlie would be 12.  Geezy peasy.  It's so odd for time to be flying like that. 

Jori and I were talking about babies with heads full of hair and I happened to mention Miss Monkey had what her Aunt Jen referred to as a "baby wig". 

This led to me taking photos of photos to show just how accurate that statement was.

Look at that crazy hair!  The baby was nothing but big blue eyes, hair and cheeks.

I mentioned the blue eyes, right?  They had a tendency to look a bit startled when faced with a really bright (and unexpected) flash.

And, here she is around six months old.  She'd lost much of her hair, but she still had quite a bit. 

Oh was she a lovey.  Oh what a personality.  She was so utterly engaging.  She hated to go to sleep because she just knew she was going to miss something.  We would take walks in the evenings and the path would lead us past a retirement/nursing home.  We would wave to the ladies sitting on the porch and eventually began to walk up and visit.  Miss Monkey would charm the pants off the ladies, flirting outrageously with them. 

Hannah never met a person who wasn't a friend.  It was therefore quite hard for her when she realized not everyone felt that way.  Oh the heartbreak. It broke my heart.  :o(

I feel as if I'm forgetting so many things about her, that she's slipping from my memories.  I only had almost six years with her.  I've been six years and a month without her.  I've forgotten how she smells, the sound of her rich belly laugh, the feel of her hand in mine. 

I can see snippets in my mind's eye, but that's it.  They flash through my brain like a rapid-fire slide show, fleeting and quickly gone, not there long enough for me to grasp and hold onto. 

I no longer look for her in the faces of the little girls around me.  I no longer catch my breath in startled surprise when I catch a glimpse of a small girl with a certain haircut out of the corner of my eye.  She's well and truly gone, and I suppose, somewhere along the way I finally accepted that.

As I wrote Amy this morning, my yo isn't up, nor is it down--it's just hanging out waiting to swing one way or the other.  The what-ifs and could've beens do nothing but cause me sorrow and anxiety, so I try hard not to play that game.  I have a hard time imagining what she would look like as a 'tween.  Would those cheeks still be full and round? What about those eyes? Would I be allowing her to wear mascara on those gorgeous lashes she had? 

Thoughts such as those just bring me down.  There are days when I wish to wallow in that sorrow and sadness, but they don't happen so often anymore.  There was a time when I would embrace those down days.  Now I just think, "I don't have time for this!"

I think that's the wrong attitude.  I must make the time.  That pain is real and true and there because there was once a little bright Monkey with big blue eyes who found nothing but delight and wonder in the world around her.  That pain should be embraced as a remembrance of the Monkey-shaped hole left in my heart. 


Korinthia Klein said...

Thank you for sharing this. I hope it helps you as much as it touches us.

I didn't realize your Hannah and my Aden were so close in age. Aden will be twelve in December. (Which means we were both pregnant with our firsts at the same time, which is interesting to think about.) I think I am appreciative every day of my children and know I am lucky to have them with me, but after reading your posts I tend to hug them just a little longer.

I'm sorry for your sadness. I wish there were something I could do.

Fiona said...

I am a long time lurker but just wanted to comment on your post. With the grief that I have experienced I have found the loss of memories hard to deal with. I find that things like adverts or songs catch me out, and yes I do get upset. But getting upset isn't bad (as long as it doesn't happen too often) - it means that I remember & my biggest fear is forgetting. So I guess what I'm trying to say is please give yourself time to remember even if it upsets you.

I hope I haven't offended you. You are an amazing mum and you inspire me so often.

Peg said...

Oh Rach, she was so adorable. Those cheeks and those eyes.

I am so sorry. I think, though, feeling these feelings is good...or at least that's my goiong theory. I try so hard every day not to play the "what if" game around here. I know the girls are having a hard time starting to forget things about their parents. We try to talk about them all the time, but nonetheless, we are all starting to forget things.

hugs, thoughts being sent down south

Bailey's Leaf said...

My heavens to Pete! That child did have one giant set of cheeks on her! I just had never run across baby pictures. Wow.

You know, I'm here when you need me. Happy to give some love, particularly Septembager love. (I knew I was close on that spelling.) :sigh: It doesn't seem as if it was that long ago.

She pops in. You see it. Just as she would have changed in growth on Earth, she has changed the way she approaches and appears. You have flashes. You can't be looking for them. She just appears as an occasional pop as she always dances in the background.

Love to you.

Anonymous said...

I love what Amy says:

"She just appears as an occasional pop as she always dances in the background."

I have a Septembager baby too. He turns 13 on Wednesday...


Christina said...

You have a beautiful September baby. She continues to touch lives of those whom she has never even met. Extra prayers and hugs.

Midwest Mom said...

Hi Rach-
Just wanted to drop in to send you a huge, enormous hug from Chicago. My heart still aches for you and I agree with you, that sometimes, you have to grieve and just "be" bc you know those hard, sad times will pass too. It's probably part of the healing sorry you are feeling this way.

You are amazing and such a special Mom!!

Sending love today and always,
Amy W.

jaydee said...

Rach, I can't say it better than Bailey's Leaf.

As for those photos..... what a sweet face - and all that hair :-)

Big hugs to you

Jori said...

She was such a gorgeous baby! I loved seeing her photos.

LisaWV said...

Hugs, hugs, hugs. Thinking about you and Hannah.

Anonymous said...

My baby would be 13 and this post makes me sad and convicted. U and me girl must make time.!!!!!!!!!!!