Monday, March 24, 2014
I'm currently reading the chapter dealing with adolescence and the teen years and, I'm not making this up, I had a small panic attack while reading it last night.
Let me back up a bit.
Friday I (sort of--I still need to turn in my registration form and money) enrolled Ellie in a three day a week four year old preschool program. I'm beyond thrilled to have found a space for her at the preschool I've been considering, especially since the enrollment period came and went and I didn't even realize it. Oops!
But, as I was finishing up with the director, I realized, my time with my Teeny Beanie is coming to an end. I (quite seriously!) couldn't breathe for a minute, and even now, just thinking about it, I want to burst into tears.
I know this is perfect for her and she's going to LOVE it. I know she needs this for the same reason it behooves all kiddos to have a year of preschool under their belts before starting Kindergarten even if I could do the academics here--she needs to be in a classroom setting before she starts school. Period.
But, oh, my baby.
*insert tears here*
I never thought I'd be that mama...I sent the other two to daycare at 8 weeks and 13 weeks respectively and did fine.
But this? This hurts. She's been with me, practically attached to me some days, since the day she was born.
This is different. She's my last one. Each time my other girls got to this age, I had another baby. No babies now. It's the end of an era and the beginning of a new book.
So, with that in mind, I was already a bit on edge when I started reading that chapter in AJaNF last night. When Ms. Senior started writing about adolescents and their changes from being simply kids and the changes in their relationships with their parents, I really did find it hard to breathe for a moment or two. This chapter has been the hardest for me, I think, in part, because I've no experience with it outside of teaching fifth graders. I could relate to earlier chapters, having been there, or to very soon be there. But this, this is different. And bad.
Okay, "bad" isn't the right word.
It's different and harder. One of the reasons she posits it's harder is because your baby and little kiddo who wanted to be with you and to cuddle and snuggle with you is suddenly gone and replaced with this being who wants nothing to do with you.
I remember my teen years well. I have no idea how Lissie survived them, quite frankly. :oS I wasn't a terrible teen, not really. I didn't do anything illegal and I was terrified (still am) of getting into trouble or disappointing anyone. But, I was moody and hormonal and difficult and bent on trying out my fledgling wings.
Liss, if you're reading this, I'm truly sorry for all the horrible things I did. I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
So, with thoughts of Bean leaving the nest and of my children no longer wanting me around, I found myself revisiting some of my "Hannah Lessons", the most important being, this is time you won't get back so enjoy it now. They're truly only little once, and honestly, this is such a short time in the grand scheme of things. I've once again been reminded to enjoy my time with my girls, to enjoy them when they want those extra snuggles and to play with them when I can. The laundry and bathrooms can wait, my girls won't be little forever.
With this in mind, Ellie and I spent the morning reading stories and painting--hence the finger paints up there.
I ask myself this now. Why didn't I want her to paint?
But, all the time?
Ellie just dips and drags and throws herself into it whole-heartedly.
Somehow I forgot how important it is to stop and just "be" with your kids. When you're a nursing mother, you have enforced breaks--you pretty much MUST stop when it's time to feed your child. You get to know the curve of their cheek, the arch of their eyebrows, the whirl of their ears. In those moments, you just are. It's beautiful.
Or, maybe more than just a bit...How often did I see Miss Monkey give me those same looks from those same eyes? With that same mouth? It wasn't a painful, longing missing, just a wistful sort of missing. There are those moments, you know?
If it makes sense, there was a greater maturity in her watercoloring today than I've seen in the past. She wasn't slapping something on the paper merely for the sake of doing so. She was taking time to mix colors on her paper and explore techniques.
I offered no advice or help, I simply watched and marveled. I think it's okay to sometimes be enchanted with your children.
Let's be honest, there are those moments when you want to toss them out the window, so when moments such as these come along, I throw myself into enjoying them. :o)
It made me smile.
With Flynn she decided she was done and was off to play by herself.
It was a beautiful morning, one that will linger with me long after she's gone from home, I'm sure.
5. B and I talked last night and worked out a schedule/plan for this week. I think we're just going to have to take it week by week with the scheduling, but there are a few things we decided we should try and evaluate after a week or so. The plan is to be up earlier and out the door by 7:00 and to try and leave work to be home by 5:00. He'll do homework from 5:00-6:00 with Bitty, we'll have dinner together, do the girls' bedtime together and then he can do homework for another couple of hours before light's out blue light with some wiggle room in there as needed. The trickiest part here is the leaving work in enough time to be home by 5:00. He has production going on on the night shift as well and I know he likes to touch base with the guy in charge before he leaves. By leaving so early this might not get to happen. So, like I said we'll have to evaluate and be flexible, but this SHOULD allow for "Brien time" and "family time" as well as get the homework done. Whew. School's so much easier when it's just you...
6. Anybody else stoked it's light later? :happy sigh: It may be cold today but it sure is sunny and it's delightful. :o)